There’s a common friction point which I would consider a misunderstanding when it comes to personal and spiritual development and collective responsibility in regards to conflict resolution, the safe and secure environment of all involved in society and the misuse of power structures.
That we all must get along with each other.
The truth is we all have different values and it is inevitable that conflict will come from those differences. People in positions of authority or power, even in family structures, can insist that a person under their care is okay with a situation because it makes them feel uncomfortable to assume otherwise — when in fact this only makes the situation worse. The person who has a legitimate grievance might start to feel their self-esteem plummet, they might start to assume that their thoughts or emotions are futile, or that they are being humiliated by the consistency of the behaviour that makes them feel undermined. This will lead to reactionary behaviour, a blow-up argument, or resistance to the situation.
It is not always the case that the person who is aggrieved will stay with their analysis of the situation, however, assumption of how someone is feeling traps them in a certain position.
Love doesn’t mean the denial of this conflict in favour of a supposed harmonious environment; that is a delusion.
Denying conflict only leads to resentment on all sides. Honouring and respecting conflict leads to honouring the integrity of all sides, respect, and resolution. Even if the best solution is that two people respect each other’s personal boundaries and don’t engage with each other outside of what is necessary. Two adults can agree on that, and situations — such as personal family or professional environments — can remain respectful. It is a measure of one’s assessment of their own integrity and self-esteem whether they are heard in conflict or not, not whether they are happy with the outcome of the situation. Especially in regards to people who have suffered trauma and even more so when people have suffered trauma in childhood — the developmental stage of their psyche. This also applies to people who may require specific knowledge of how they see the world and who struggle with social situations because of legitimate conditions — autism is a good example of a person who might react to a stimulus in a legitimate way that is completely different to how someone that doesn’t have this condition would perceive it. This requires empathy in the sense of knowing how a person’s brain is functioning and what their emotional process is that might be different to others; it might not be possible for them to express themselves in pressured environments. Assuming that they have reached a place of peace with the situation or that the situation has been resolved is a dangerous position to take.
Power structure must be taken into account in these scenarios. It is completely natural that power structure exists; in an ordinary family structure, for example, the positions of power are held by the parents and that is a good thing because children don’t have the faculty to make decisions for everyone’s safety and welfare: they haven’t developed the intricate moral structure, ethics, and values to provide this, namely, they are vulnerable because of that. When you approach these scenarios (treating people who are under your power with care) with awareness and conscious intent, you can understand what a child needs in order to be raised in a healthy environment to develop healthy behavior and healthy self-esteem.
There are some really concise books on the subject: ‘The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read’, ‘ The Big Leap’, ‘The Six Pillars Of Self-Esteem’, ‘Meditations’, ‘The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Last’ (I haven’t personally read the last one, although it is on my reading list).
It only remains to be said that some people lack the awareness or motivation to know these essential truths of human behaviour and therefore deny themselves the chance to change their environments for the better. Sometimes change is hard and it takes consistent courage, motivation, and self-analysis; a tool kit not everyone has.
However, the information is out there and I don’t think there’s a human on this planet that doesn’t want to raise their children in a way that gives them the tools that they need to be fulfilled and happy. Although there is no one formula that teaches you how to be the perfect parent.
According to Nathaniel Brandon in ‘The Six Pillars Of Self-Esteem’ there are 5 steps to restoring integrity after a breach from conflict:
1. We must own the fact that it is we who have taken the particular action. We must face and accept the full reality of what we have done, without disowning or avoidance. We own, we accept, we take responsibility.
2. We seek to understand why we did what we did. We do this compassionately (as discussed under the practice of self-acceptance), but without alibiing.
3. If others are involved, as they often are, we acknowledge explicitly to the relevant person or persons the harm we have done. We convey our understanding of the consequences of our behaviour. We acknowledge how they have been affected by us. We convey an understanding of their feelings.
4. We take any and all actions available that might make amends for or minimize the harm we have done.
5. We firmly commit ourselves to behave differently in the future.
What happens if we commit ourselves to these five steps and the other parties do not? Then we need a mediating party in authority to insist.
Healthy behavior and healthy self-esteem are the things that are most important to live: if these things are present then a person is free to choose whatever vocation that fulfills them and fills them with passion, they are more likely to affect their immediate and wider environments positively. Knowing that I have volition over aspects of my life allows me to treat others with respect. Being free to make these choices does not mean what many individualists see as the end goal: to be completely self-sufficient and free from social structures. I believe that healthy human behaviour is being happy with the inevitable social ties that we are all bound to. After all, there are four chemical processes that exist in a healthy brain and one of them is Oxytocin, which is activated with touch and social gratification.
Too often people who have a position of power over others don’t recognise that power and the responsibility that comes along with it, they don’t observe it in the process of conflict management.
Love is the answer to all questions of conflict management, it’s true. However, what does love mean? And how do we ensure the safety and integrity of the most vulnerable in society whilst we ensure efficient and respectful environments? Love can mean understanding that one person must have boundaries with another.
The ancient Greeks had many different words for love, but I am going to focus on seven. I believe that the general articulation of love in English is lacking when it comes to this aspect. The usage of the word love is mismanaged in many instances. We often confuse love languages in the relationship leading to complex emotions.
The seven words are:
Eros
Sexual passion or a lustful love. Often described as a consuming phenomenon; creative, sexual yearning, or desire.
Storgay (Storge)
Familial love refers to natural or instinctual affection, such as the love of a parent towards offspring and vice versa. In social psychology, another term for love between good friends is philia.
Philia
Love that allows deep friendship that forms mutual respect amongst many scenarios.
Ludus
Playful love.
Agapé
A transcendental love for all things and for every sentient being regardless of their nature or their familiarity to you and your value set.
Pragma
Longstanding love.
Philautia
Love of the self.
Now we see the many faces of love, which ones should we bring to conflict resolution between two people?
It is more complex than saying that a set combination of any of these things will be the winning formula. As we know, humans are more complex than that and everyone is different, which is a wonderful thing. If I was fighting with my spouse I might consider using Eros in my emotional toolkit, if I was experiencing a conflict with a person in a professional environment I would not. We can’t simply say that the way forward in conflict is love and leave the specifics to be sorted out by themselves, we need to be conscious and intentional with managing these situations.
In my personal opinion, the best way to resolve conflict is to ask neutral questions consistently, for both people, such as:
“How do you feel?”
“What do you need from this scenario?”
So that both parties can have a free expression of how the situation is developing for them and whether they feel that they have found a personal resolution to the conflict or not.
Too often the conflict is left to resolve itself after the first meeting is had. This is detrimental to those who are vulnerable in society.
It is often hard to build these processes into an already demanding workplace atmosphere, where productivity and efficiency are so key to the environment and also considering that the current economic philosophy encourages people to think and act competitively against each other. However, conflict resolution can release blocked energy and see an increase in the ability of individuals to have motivation and passion for their work.
If a conflict is ongoing in the workplace, a person can work effectively in that environment, sure, they can ensure a level of quality in their work going forward; however, if the friction remains then it is only a matter of time before that person needs to either change that environment or experiences health effects such as burnout or nervous breakdown.
With the current political climate as it is, it seems like a good time to be questioning what practises should be encouraged for people in positions of power.
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Previously published on Medium.com.
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Photo credit: By Tyler Nix on Unsplash
