The We That Exists With the Separate Self

MAUDE: The world seems filled with darkness these days, and yet, the light shines brighter through our very real connections to each other. It radiates forth and has greater strength than any transitory, no matter how horrible, aberrations. Phil and I share these weekly posts to add to that light by writing of the beauty and potential of peaceful relationships.

We have been reflecting on an element of that sweet peace that we enjoy. Perhaps you can recognize some version of it in your relationships, or find a path toward it. Our wish is to spread the calm, loving presence of that peace.

Phil and I each take care of our own inner self, making sure we are as whole as we can manage. We support each other in this ongoing practice. There is no sense of invasion of my person by Phil, or vice versa. Nor is there a bleed-over: a space where part of me is him, or taken up by him.

And yet, at the same time that we both feel complete within ourselves, we are fully with each other. There is an us, a we, that has a total existence, but in no way impinges upon, nor overlaps onto my separate self. This seems somewhat impossible, but it is so.

And this very odd but definite experience brings with it a sense of profound calm, safety, and reassurance. The connection I feel with Phil is dependent on self-care; a continuous awareness of my individuality, and the work of growing that self. It allows me to not be preoccupied with myself, and therefore to be much more available in my relationships.

The unbroken connection that Phil and I have is deeply strengthened by the ability to be completely ourselves without having to defend any aspect of who we are. I have this in various degrees in all my deeper relationships. There is a secure feeling that we will not be invaded where we live by the other person, but rather encouraged, supported, and strengthened to be all we can be. Oddly, this is the glue that makes the deep melding of spirits possible.

The kind of relationships I am describing are filled with love and absent of fear. They are based on the mutual desire to connect and, simultaneously, to respect the sacrosanct nature of each personality.

PHIL: Here’s why I think we are the way we are.

One is that we are present with each other, but we’ve said that before, and I also think it’s a totally obvious requirement.

Another is that the sense of myself (and for Maude, too) remains whole. There isn’t the sense that I’ve had in other relationships of having to restrain myself, having to adjust my behavior to make the relationship work. Even if it is only a little bit, and even if it barely reaches consciousness, it has been there, and after the relationship, along with the pain of breakup (because there are always good things that are lost), there is a sense of rediscovering and re-owning that part of myself.

But with Maude, it feels that we just co-exist; there is me, and there is us, and the two are not entangled, which may sound strange, but I just mean that in being together, I do not lose some fraction of myself, and that makes coming together effortless, because there is no price of admission.

This is a result of total acceptance, and we’ve written extensively about that and its importance, but I don’t want to focus on that here. Instead, I’m trying to describe its effects.

As to how we do this, I can think of a couple of things. One is simply that it is a joyous experience, so why wouldn’t we? It’s a bit like stereo; the sense of me and the sense of us co-exist. Another is that we both know ourselves deeply and are comfortable within ourselves. So I don’t need a part of Maude to feel complete. Instead, I feel added to.

Reading Corner

Here are some previous posts that further develop some of the ideas presented above.

Why Being Positive is so Powerful in Relationships and in the World “This struck us both and reminded us how critical it is to hear each other’s voices proclaiming the importance of spreading peace and the reality of peace; of how much we all need this and how this is the way to strengthen and promote this very reality. Shout it out. Sing it as loud as you can, wherever you are, in whatever way you can. I sense that a massive effort of the majority is called for to act and live and breathe out the reality that love is the strongest force and that we are not divided, but rather that we are related in a familial way. We can and must act, each in our sphere and in our own unique way, to contribute to this loud, certain declaration of light as supreme, of hope, and the way of kindness.”

The Balance Between Self-Reflection and Connection in Relationships “Phil and I often write about how important it is to your relationships to get to know yourself and the truths that reflect who you are right now. We have emphasized the need for self-reflection so that you can make appropriate choices that represent your values, rather than just reacting from conditioning or outdated behavior. We support taking time to listen inside, and to become attuned to which of the thoughts and feelings that pass through you are the ones you want to express and act upon. Seeking self-knowledge and becoming overly self-involved are not the same thing. The first creates an opportunity for increased conscious connection, and the second reduces it considerably. Many who embark on the path of self-realization lose themselves in the seeking and in the self. Balance is that important ingredient. Anything done to the extreme becomes an impediment rather than an element of growth.”

What We Have Learned About Peace And Harmony Through Our Relationship “Which leads to the second aspect of our relationship: that I feel seen, accepted and not controlled. Controlled may be too strong a word. I am talking about all those expectations of how a partner should behave: words of love, how the kitchen is kept, how time is spent. With full acceptance, expectations do not exist. No, it is more that her expectations are deeper than that; they go to our wedding vows of openness, truth and positivity, and because those commitments were given by me, not taken from me, they are not a burden. They are how I want to live. The result is that no part of me is nibbled away; I have no sense of losing myself, because I can be completely myself in this relationship. This, if you haven’t picked up on it already, gives our relationship an extraordinary radical quality of peace. I continue to learn who I am, how to be myself, how to disentangle from a lifetime of injunctions and expectations. For this I am profoundly grateful. Thank you, Maude. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

Originally published at https://philandmaude.substack.com.