There Was a Third Party in My Relationship

There’s this age-old comment about who’s to blame when a relationship ends. If you know me, it’s best not to say it around me. It takes a lot to ruffle my feathers but this adage provokes me.

“It takes two,” they say.

Well no, I’m sorry it doesn’t.

Not in all cases.

I had what I call a ‘third party’ in my marriage. Not another woman. That would have been traumatic in an entirely different way. I speak to men and women who have been cheated on. It’s an impossible wound.

I suffered a different type of emotional injury.

No matter how hard I worked to save my marriage, I was unsuccessful.

My relationship was crowded.

Our mysterious trio consisted of a woman, a man, and a narcissistic personality disorder.

But there are more ‘third parties’ out there. The ones that insert themselves between a couple. The alcoholic, the addict, the gambler, and other illnesses and disorders.

They slip into love.

A thief in the passionate night. One that grabs and pillages every precious and invaluable asset of your union. You yell and scream. You cry for others to help you.

But you are no match for this heartrending beast.

They rob you blind.

They take this person you love and replace them with an emotional monster.

One you do not recognize. And who no longer recognizes you. The one who is trying to rescue them. Instead, you are now a threat. The enemy.

But this does not dissuade you.

Because when love first came calling, there were only two of you.

A once beautiful couple. Who knew romance, laughter, and intimacy. You didn’t recognize the illusion. Or understand a shadow lurked between you. Hiding until it felt safe enough to emerge.

And when it did, it dissolved the once beautiful couple.

And created an unwanted and damaging throuple.

But down deep you still refuse your truth.

You believe there are still only two of you in the relationship. In many cases, so does the outside world. Because you have hidden the ‘third party’ from them. Keeping secrets, covering up behaviors, making excuses, and keeping up appearances.

Why?

Because you’re not supposed to give up on someone you love. Because the longer you stay, the unhealthier you become. And the emotion which once gave you strength now weakens you.

Love is no longer saving your soul.

It is killing it.

But you remind yourself this isn’t your one true person. It’s the illness, the addiction, the affliction. Once that is healed you will have your person back. You can make it happen. All by yourself.

Oh, wait, what’s that phrase, “It takes two.”

The only person who can make a decision to be treated for addiction and mental health disorders is the individual themselves. Sadly, some will never be overcome.

You can’t love it out of someone. You can’t beg it out of someone. You can’t yell it out of someone. You can’t change someone.

And if you continue to try, the only person changing will be you.

The better parts of you will evaporate to make room for stress, hurt, frustration, fatigue, and anger.

So, I’m sorry but no.

It doesn’t always take two to end a relationship.

Not in the case of addiction, abuse, or mental health disorders. There aren’t two sides to this story. Because one person suffers from an affliction which creates a ‘third party.’

Don’t get me wrong.

That doesn’t mean the person who loves them is blameless.

But it’s an entirely different type of accountability.

Typically, the individual who tolerates this ‘third party’ is an enabler. Enablers are overly caring individuals who remain in bad situations for too long. They make excuses for the one they love.

These deeply empathetic individuals can confuse enabling with kindness. Kindness is forgiving bad behavior once or twice. Enabling is forgiving it over and over again.

This extremely caring personality often lacks boundaries and self-protective instincts. Which makes it even more difficult to leave someone they love.

Even if that person continues to introduce a ‘third party’ which is threatening their emotional security and stability.

These are rescuers and fixers who believe everything can be overcome.

But it’s hard enough to tackle a spouse who is uninterested, apathetic, or defiant while a relationship fails. When you insert a disturbing ‘third party’ it’s nearly impossible.

Only one person can banish the shadow lurking between you.

It’s the individual who invited them into the relationship.

If not, it’s just too crowded.

Because there is something which does take two.

A relationship…

Love.

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This post was previously published on Medium.com.

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