There’s Only One Side in Peaceful Relationships—the Same Side

Hi there, Phil and Maude here. We are sharing a path today that’s part of every peaceful relationship; one that doesn’t imply separateness between people.

MAUDE: I was reading a note from Anna Drabik, one of my favorite relationship writers on Substack, about compromise. We had an exchange on the topic, and it led Phil and me to want to revisit this topic and share what we feel is its role on the path toward peaceful relationships.

Compromise is a word that has different meanings to many. It is often interpreted as a means of giving up something in order to get something else. It is used in this way in both bargaining and negotiating. A basic definition of these terms points out the nature of the issue: “Bargaining is often described as a ‘win-lose’ scenario, where one party gains at the expense of the other, whereas negotiation aims for a ‘win-win’ outcome where both parties benefit.”

In each of these styles of reaching solutions, there is an implied separateness between the people. You are on one side, and the other person is on a different side. Peaceful paths require a foundational understanding that you are both on the same side.

What does it mean to be on the same side? In the relationship between Phil and me, as well as my other deepest relationships, we know as a given that we always want the best for each other. We know that we share values and meanings. We may, and do, use different words to talk about the same thing. Yet there lies between us a sense of the “we” present at all times; not two sides, but our side. Always asking “ what is the ‘we’ solution to this?” is the peaceful path.

I mentioned values earlier. The more we find behaviors and decisions that match the values involved in an issue, the easier it becomes to create solutions that fit the “we”. And I say create purposefully. The journey you go on together when you are aware of your connection and both share the desire to find the feel-right answer together is one of creation. In these kinds of sessions, something new always emerges. It grows out of that union of two having an awareness of the way of the one.

I know this may sound a bit fanciful, and it does feel magical as it is occurring. There is a tuning in to what is real and holds your sense of value that is an exhilarating experience to share. There are many practices that contribute to having a relationship that embodies this way of being together, and it is our goal to share those in these posts. Phil and I marvel at this aspect of our connection all the time, and it never diminishes in its power and intensity. At its center is a direct visceral experience of Peace.

PHIL: Last week, I wrote about how people have an “opinionated” rating, and that a balanced relationship is where each person has around a 0.5 rating so that they express their opinions but aren’t locked into them. Put that way, it’s easy for people to hear it as needing to compromise, but that’s not our experience.

One way to describe this is to say that we are on the same side. As Maude said, “We’re not on two opposite sides or two sides of something. We’re on one side. This side encompasses a place that we both feel good in together and individually.”

I think that once we recognized this and went “Oh, look! Here we are just hanging out!”, we found it such a comfortable place to be that we work hard to maintain it. No, we don’t “work hard”; we make an effort. No, we don’t even do that; we choose to maintain it. I avoid saying “work” here because it is usually used in the context of working to maintain a relationship that, in its absence, would fall apart. With us, it’s a choice, not an effort. Why would I want to be anywhere else once I grasp this way of hanging out with another person?

You might argue that compromises have to exist because, say, there’s only one car, and both people need it. My usual response is to talk about wants, needs, and values, and how I can look for the deeper need and ensure that it is fulfilled.

Instead, I’d like to approach it from the “same side” position. I want to talk about identity. We usually identify as ourselves: this is me, I’m Phil. These are my fingers holding the pen. This is my bed I am lying on. There are other identifications as well that are not who I am, but what I am. I identify with my gender, with my ancestry, my family, the country I grew up in, the place where I live now, the career I had, and much more.

It might seem that they are secondary: they live outside my skin, the boundary of who I am. Yet they are also part of me. If one suddenly vanished, like if I discovered that I was a synthesized human with implanted memories of my family, I would feel adrift, incomplete.

My relationships are another one of these identifications, so I can say they are part of me, or I of them. This is the source of the “we”, the “us”, of a personal relationship.

In today’s individualistic society, it is easy to overlook this. Yet a relationship is that “us”, and that is where the same side resides. Be conscious of that place at all times. This is the place where no compromise is needed.

Here are some other articles we’ve written on the topic of compromise in relationships.

How To Avoid Compromise in Your Relationship “‘Oh, what I do to keep peace in my relationship!’ This was the frequent refrain of a dear friend, and when asked further what he meant by that, he explained ‘Well it seems I’m always giving something up to keep my partner happy. Often, when we disagree on how or when or where to go or what changes to make, I seem to give up my point of view, or most of what I want, to keep her happy. To be fair, she does the same. It just seems to be a constant tug of war, with one of us the winner and one of us the loser.’ This experience of compromise is one that many people seem to have; they feel they must give up something to get something else.”

Is There a Better Way Than Compromise? “Compromise. Give a little, get a little. It’s the lubricant of relationships, the WD-40 that gets you unstuck. But let’s look at the price ticket. Someone lost out. There’s a feeling of deprivation, of being shorted. If the relationship is equitable, there’s an expectation that a favor is due on some future occasion. ‘You owe me one!’ And these favors have to be priced. Is fixing the car worth more than doing the tax returns? This is the difficulty with compromise; that you are always giving something up in order to get something else. Over time, this can build up and create a sense that you are not really ever getting what you want, leading to resentments, estrangement and a decrease in willingness to compromise.”

Why a Positive Attitude is Important to Reach a Successful Compromise “All too often, people practice ‘giving in’ to keep the peace. There are two aspects of this attitude that are important to realize. The first is that there is no true element of giving when ‘giving in’. I am reminded of a quote I often think of in viewing this kind of behavior, “There is no sacrifice in service.” The second aspect is that “giving in to keep the peace” does not create peace. In fact, it results, quite often, in the opposite. When one person in a relationship feels like they have to repeatedly give in and give up their wants or needs, it very often creates a sense of hardship. That person is left holding onto a feeling of loss. “I gave up on what I wanted to avoid arguments.” This can build up over time to a deep feeling of resentment and often results in an explosive and out of proportion response to a later situation.”

Originally published at https://philandmaude.substack.com.