They’re Coming for Our Balls!

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There is a common automaticity among humans to dissect statements and ideas in order to find hidden meanings. We read into things, believe we know “what they are really trying to say” and convince ourselves that we are right. Why? To protect ourselves from deception. I have heard it said that we are meaning-making-machines. We assign meaning to every single occurrence in our lives, from the side-glance of the cashier to the way a significant other texted “I’m fine” to a razor commercial. We see everything through a lens that is very specific to us, and make it mean what we are convinced it means.

When Gillette released a new commercial that addressed toxic masculinity, I was not surprised that some loved it and some hated it. While it could be easy to explain frame-by-frame what the message of the commercial is versus how it was interpreted, I have a bigger question: “What are men afraid of?” To be clear, I do not at all mean this in a condescending way. I am truly in the inquiry of what the actual fear is that informs the push-back to this ad.

From my perspective, the commercial shows behaviors that have caused harm: non-consensual groping, ass-grabbing, sexual harassment, and writing it all off as “boys will be boys.” It then showed great examples of positive masculinity: accountability, men guiding men to be better men, men guiding boys to grow up to be better men, men breaking up fights and inspiring their children by teaching them, “I am growing up to be big and strong.” For most of my life, I recall being taught that “no means no” and that qualities like honor and integrity are positive. So, I am unclear what is so wrong about the messages of the ad.

To be fair, I do get that in the context of #MeToo, using terms like toxic masculinity and showing news clips from “The Young Turks,” seems to make it easy to write this off as political. However, we as Americans, have always valued the men who stood up for the greater good. The heroes I grew up watching in movies were always the ones who stopped or tried to avoid fights, protected women and inspired children. This is why I am the most curious about what we men are confronted by when it comes to the message of this commercial:

It is only by challenging ourselves to do more that we can get closer to our best.

With clients who are stopped by their fear, I ask them, “what is the worst possible outcome you can imagine?” Often, just by acknowledging what the actual fear is, it disappears, and they are able to move forward with a sense of freedom. There are even times where their “worst-possible outcome” is so ridiculous and unlikely, that we have a good laugh as they let it go and move forward. So, I wonder again, what is the reason for fear?

I get there is a concern that men will somehow be constricted, and I get that there is a belief for some that it is becoming unsafe to be a man. Are we really afraid of all of us getting rounded up and put in man-prison? Is it just an unwillingness to change?

I recall a time when hockey players were not required to wear helmets and when the face-masks of football helmets were just one or two bars. For safety reasons, the NHL and NFL altered their requirements. As we become aware of the negative effects of certain behaviors on women, men, and society, what is so wrong about diving into those discussions?

The arguments I have seen about the commercial include men feeling lectured, men feeling like the commercial was targeting all (or most) men, and that doing things like barbecuing was wrong. I know there is a concern that men will be further emasculated, and some men believe there is a “feminist agenda” to make men weak and submissive. However, I see an opportunity here for us men to actually stand more in our power than ever before.

I spent many years training and teaching martial arts and was very fortunate to have found a dojo that was focused on character development in addition to fighting. For years, I had teachers who were my guides, not just in my training, but in life. As I came up through the ranks, I became a guide for those “below” me. Ultimately, I joined the inner-circle of Black Belts and was considered an elder of the school. Learning, developing, deepening, and demonstrating virtues—such as integrity, honor, justice, rightness, duty, patience, persistence, and more—showed me a larger purpose for being in the world. I also recognized that I could choose any of these as ways of being when interacting with anyone and in any situation.

When fear comes up for me, I get to ask myself:

Who am I being right now and who do I choose to be?

This takes me from being reactionary to being intentional in my life. If we are being intentional, then what are we really afraid of? No one is coming for my balls; they are mine. No one can convince me that I am a lesser man because I choose to understand women and be a safe space for them. If anything, my experiences have made me stronger. I think the real question to be asking ourselves is: “Who do we choose to be” versus “what are they going to try to take away from me?” I mean, what would Rambo do?

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