Things to Do When Your Partner Does Not Want Sex

Let’s be real: when she’s not giving you sex, it can feel like a hit on your ego. Your brain starts overthinking — Did I mess up? Is she not into me anymore? Or worse… is there someone else?

If you have been dating for a while, you will have been hit with this situation, and here are a few things you can do to walk over it. but first, let’s talk about how we men think and the mistakes we often make in this situation.

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Mistake #1: Thinking She’s Doing It to Punish You.

There were times I wasn’t getting sex from my girl, and I would think it was probably because, she was mad at me, or She was doing it on purpose just to get at me for something I did wrong. But after speaking to her about it, I realized that what was going on was the opposite of what I thought.

Sometimes she was stressed from work, house chores, or life. Other times she did not feel confident about her body (especially when she gained some weight or looked in the mirror and did not like what he saw).

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Mistake #2: Complaining or Guilt-Tripping.

This is one trap I fell into more than I’d like to admit. I felt rejected, and I thought, If I just told her how much this was bothering me, maybe she’d feel bad and fix it.

Here’s the deal: guilt-tripping didn’t work. It put all my frustration on her shoulders, and honestly, that’s a lot for anyone to carry. Instead of pulling her closer, I created more distance because she began to feel pressured and cornered.

What I’ve learned is that empathy goes a long way. When I focused on understanding her feelings rather than just talking about my own, it changed the whole vibe.

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Mistake #3: Turning to Porn or Cheating.

Okay, this one’s tough to admit, but let’s go there. When I made moves and wasn’t getting any sex, it was easy to turn to porn as a quick fix. After all, porn was always available and would never turn me down.

So, while she slept, I would crank open my phone and seek pleasure in porn. To be honest this also led to thoughts of cheating. But here’s the truth: both options only made things worse.

Porn seemed harmless, but over time, it created a disconnect. The more I relied on it, the less effort I put into fixing the real issues I had with our relationship.

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Mistake #4: Acting Like Sex is the Only Thing That Matters.

When you hyper-focus on the lack of sex, you’re unintentionally sending her the message that her other qualities — like her kindness, intelligence, and humor — don’t matter to you. And that’s a dangerous place to be.

She might pull back emotionally If she senses your affection or attention only comes when sex is on the table and starts questioning your love for her.

Women need to feel emotionally secure and appreciated to want intimacy. Making her feel like sex is all that matters will create more distance instead of bringing you closer.

Here are some simple tips on what to do when she isn’t giving you sex that worked for me to reconnect our sexual intimacy:

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Ask Meaningful Questions to Open Deep Conversation

I hated having long conversations. Until I realized it made us more intimate and opened the door to more sex. So instead of the usual “How was your day?” I began to ask, “What’s been on your mind lately?” It opened deeper conversations she would naturally not get into.

Be Present and Spend Quality Time Together.

There were times my girl would be talking to me trying to connect emotionally, and I would be on my phone or my laptop. Only for me to want to get intimate later and she would say No!

Bro, if you don’t connect with her emotionally, it will be difficult to get her to submit to your needs later on.

Put your phone down, make eye contact, and show her that she has your full attention when you’re together, plan activities you both enjoy and spend quality time.

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Show appreciation.

When my girl closed from work, she would come back home after a long day and would go straight to the kitchen to prepare food for me and ensure I was fine before she went in to have a shower or attend to other things. At first, I didn’t consider this as anything unusual that needed any form of appreciation, but later I realized that it is important to applaud the little things she does. This kind of appreciation let her know I valued her.

Do something thoughtful.

I was never the spontaneous kind of guy, but I had to learn fast. Now I Surprise her with things she loves like a handwritten note, or her favorite snack, or even plan a quiet evening for her to relax.

These small gestures go a long way. When you focus on meeting her emotional needs, something amazing happens — she’ll feel loved again. And when she feels emotionally secure, physical intimacy will naturally follow.

If she’s not giving you sex, it’s often not just about what’s happening in the bedroom — it’s about what’s happening in her heart. The sooner you focus on meeting her emotional needs, the sooner you’ll see connection and intimacy flow again.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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