You may think you have this parenting thing wired, but if you’re raising boys, you may be making some of these critical mistakes.
–
Even the most well-intentioned parents sometimes make mistakes in how they raise their kids. None of us are perfect. But there are a few things parents raising boys often do that reinforce old stereotypes about masculinity. Here are a few I’ve come across, raising my own sons.
1. Expect them to be emotionally tough.
Even the most progressive parents don’t realize how much we’re willing to hug little girls when they’re sad, but try to coach our sons out of having feelings other than happiness and anger: the deadly male binary. We know that little boys and little girls both have profound emotional experiences, and we also know that it’s not good for kids to be told to suck it up when they’re sad.
Instead, teach your boys a variety of “feeling” words: Sadness, frustration, shame, pride, fear, embarrassment, love, desire, bravery, insecurity. Practice using those words for characters in books and movies, and use them to describe your own feelings. Also understand that some boys are going to be more comfortable talking about their feelings when you’re doing something active together, like hiking or throwing a ball back with you.
2. Assume they’ll never be victims.
We want to protect our girls, and that’s important, but our boys can be victims, too. According to MaleSurvivor director Christopher Anderson, 1 in 6 boys will be victims of unwanted sexual contact before they turn eighteen. That’s a really high number.
Teaching your boys the proper names for body parts is very important. So is having conversations with your sons early and often about body boundaries and giving consent (tips here) so they know that they have the right to say “no” to any unwanted contact at any time. Also let your sons know that they can talk to you about anything, and you will always listen and they won’t get in trouble for telling you the truth.
Anderson explains, “If we’re not having these conversations with our sons, as their parents, then other people will. And those people are probably not the ones you want teaching your sons about body boundaries and consent.”
3. Pressure them to be great at sports.
Sports are awesome, but they’re not for everyone. I definitely think that kids should learn a team sport when they’re young, but your son never has to be great at sports. Sure, we swell with pride when our kid scores a goal or hits a three-pointer, but we should actively cultivate that same sense of pride when we see our kids work hard and achieve goals that aren’t as win-oriented.
Also, while kids should be physically active daily, there are lots of ways to do that without sports. My older son loves digging holes, so we have a special place for him to do that in the yard.
Remember, your son is NOT more of a “real man” if he’s into sports!
4. Presume they’re going to grow up to date girls.
Using gender-neutral pronouns when talking about marriage or dating benefits all kids – not just the ones who might grow up to be gay or bisexual.
For instance, instead of saying, “When you get married, you and your wife will make decisions together,” we say, “When you grow up, you and the person you marry will make decisions together.”
If your kid is gay or bi, he won’t feel like his parents just expect him to be straight. If he’s not, he won’t see relationships as only being between men and women, and therefore will naturally be more tolerant and accepting of people with different types of relationships.
5. Talk them out of their fears.
Boys get to be afraid, too, you know.
Instead of telling them, “There’s nothing to be afraid of!” ask them to tell you more about what they’re nervous about. Talk it out and explain that brave people aren’t the ones who are never afraid – they’re the ones who are afraid but decide to take on the important challenges anyway.
6. Assume they’d never harm someone.
We all want to think the best of our kids. But we need to teach empathy to our boys, as well as our girls, so that they learn from an early age to think about how their actions make others feel, and talk through emotional consequences.
We also need to teach our boys what consent means, that anything other than “yes” means no, about touching or anything else relating to sex and sexuality.
Make clear to your kids that they have a duty to do the best they can to stop the hurt being caused. You can discuss how best to be an Upstander instead of a bystander, too.
7. Make “penis jokes” around them.
Small penis jokes are downright banned in our house, no matter who’s saying them. The amount of pressure society puts upon men and boys to have big muscles and big penises is extraordinary and it’s up to parents to never, ever add to this form of body shaming for their boys.
Besides, making jokes about other people’s sex organs is cruel, and your kids should never witness you being cruel. Even if it’s toward a celebrity or someone on TV, your kids are listening and will internalize it.
8. Stop hugging and snuggling them as they grow older.
We do we stop hugging our boys when they reach puberty? Sure, they’re no longer adorable little squish-faces like they were when they were babies, but human touch is a basic need for many people.
Teens may push you away when you ask if they want a hug, but deep inside it’s important for them to know that you’re still available when they need some love.
–
Photo: iStock
–
Talk to you soon.
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project and want to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all-access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class, and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group, and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Want to submit a post or story to The Good Men Project?
—
◊♦◊
Have you read the original anthology that was the catalyst for The Good Men Project? Buy here: The Good Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood
Apparently, according to this author, when it comes to sexuality we are just supposed to let the cards fall where they may…. NO! All of good proper HEALTHY living must be taught to our sons, including proper EXPECTED sexual and social behavior. The TRUTH is that the vast majority of males are genetically wired to grow up to be normal heterosexual men, and that is something that deserves to be protected and promoted to each of our sons. Therefore, we SHOULD EXPECT them to grow up to be heterosexual, and we should be portraying, PROTECTING and guiding them toward being… Read more »
When talking about marriage, don’t act like your children are definitely going to get married when they’re older! That’s old-fashioned thinking, and so many people these days have no interest in marriage.
The biggest problem is mother’s who inundate their sons from early ages to adults. Mother’s who get their needs met through their sons when their partners are unavailable or gone. Mother’s and father’s who forget to look at each other and put their attention on their kids. So the kids grow up the center of the universe instead of seeing a healthy relationship and the parents looking at each other which created the kids in the first place. There are so many other NEVER dos, that the ones mentioned above are trivial. IMHO
I admire the courage it took to write this article. We need more of them out there in the public so that boys will grow up to be compassionate, non-judgemental and respectful men in society!! Jesus accepted EVERYONE!!
BeTheChange… I’m gonna hi-five you for that!
I’m an Athiest, but my 6 year old son is at an amazing Christain school, as I believe that he can make his own decisions on religion as well as gender preference.
And you’re right. Jesus, whoever he was (man or God) was clearly an awesome guy!!
Keep fighting the good fight. Non aggressively of course 🙂
Sarah, many of us are more afraid of your narrow-mindedness than the open-mindedness and acceptance that the author of this article displays. I’ll kindly remind you that the relationships of others are none of your business, and none of mine. What does hurt other people is judgment and condemnation, such as that dripping from your comment. We reserve that treatment for rapists and murders.
Wow! I thought this was a family friendly site as well as Christian based at least. Wow! Don’t expect our boys to date girls!! Uh, if they decide not to the only other option is celibacy…so I guess I will pray. If this is the way our society, outside of the church, truly feels I am afraid for the future of this country.
You don’t define Christian belief.
Most Christians love their children no matter what their orientation is.
Because no heterosexual relationship has ever ended in disaster..
Terrible that you are letting a cult decide your morals. Child abusers.
I just stumbled across this article, and I agree with you Sarah. The author does makes some good, however general points, such as saying we should teach about body boundaries and validate feelings, etc…. But, when it comes to sexuality, apparently, according to this author, we are just supposed to let the cards fall where they may. NO! All of good proper HEALTHY living must be taught to our sons, including proper EXPECTED sexual and social behavior. The TRUTH is that most males are genetically wired to grow up to be normal heterosexual men, and that is something that deserves… Read more »
Hi there Joanna, and thank you for your article. It was good to see you quoting references for some of your statements. With a title like “8 things you must…”, I was expecting this article to be by a child phycologist backing up their points with research. It was good that you clarified your points as your personal opinion in the opening paragraph, but I recommend that your title way misleading. As you say, we have to be so careful with what we teach our kids, and what advice we give parents. For example, point 5 is not so clear… Read more »
Why is the only way a male can be a victim is if they are sexually abused as a child. Are we still ignoring the fact that men can be abused by their intimate partners, both men or women. By ignoring it you are still dooming another generation to it plus those that have already been you are saying it did not matter. I guess these men’s lives do not matter or These men did something to deserve it.
Good point, although I don’t think the author meant to cover every aspect of abuse that might be visited upon men and boys. While sexual abuse is of great concern, it’s true that men suffer vastly more emotional and physical abuse at the hands of their significant other than is ever reported, and it is routinely overlooked due to the politically-correct mainstream effort toward marginalizing males. Hey, yet another abuse – marginalization by societal and political edict.
Don’t expect boys to get married. If they want to be single, you need to respect their decisions.
If boys want to get a blue collar job/career, you need to respect that as well. This country needs all sorts of workers not just white collar workers.