Does your partner seem to fade into isolation whenever conflict arises?
Instead of using opportunities to open up and express, you feel your partner shuts down and represses.
It isn’t new news if you know about the dismissive-avoidant attachment style.
It feels personal when you are the partner in this dynamic.
You feel rejected and pushed away by someone you care about. You want to shake the stubborn out of your partner, don’t you?
It is not as intentional as you may think.
No matter what attachment style aligns with your behaviors, subconscious cues guide you into your responses.
The way to defeat this issue is to have proper building blocks in place to create a pathway for your partner to grow out of their need to show avoidant behaviors.
Those who have read my writing know there is one staple to my articles: I do not write for those unwilling to grow, develop, and transition toward a secure attachment.
If attachment theory is new to you and your partner, I have articles introducing it to your dynamic.
There is a way to help your partner in their self-development journey. These aren’t manipulative tricks; they’re steps toward gradually creating comfort and security for your relationship.
First things first
Understanding why your partner is pulling away is the center of fixing the issue.
Again, it feels personal to you. You feel like your partner wants you out of their life.
It sounds wild, but the opposite is true.
Anxious people have the opposite approach when they’re overwhelmed; they express themselves, find outlets to talk to, and think out the issue.
An avoidant partner is going to seek isolation so they can process their emotions. They do not feel the instant weight when dealing with swaying thoughts.
An avoidant does not want to feel pressured into expressing themselves, or they will instantly shut down. You’ve probably noticed it happen mid-conversation.
The closer you try to come, the further they will distance the gap. The irony is that the more space you allow them, the less they want it.
It has to develop into their idea to want to approach you with feelings. Trust me, I know that is like asking a fish to get out of water.
Give your partner time to see that talking to you is a safe space. If it feels forced, or like it’s your idea, they’re going to shut down.
Set the stage
Setting guidelines in a relationship takes work for most people. You feel like you are being forceful and needy to a degree.
Kill that frame of thinking.
Your needs and boundaries should be common knowledge in your dynamic.
I get what some people might be thinking. What if I am months to years into the dynamic? It isn’t too late, don’t worry.
Start with understanding the behavior.
The dismissive-avoidant behaviors of “running” and “isolating” come from looking for a safe space.
That does not mean that they want to isolate themselves away from you.
How does that help you when you feel safe by coming together and avoiding isolation?
This line in the sand creates conflict in a dynamic with a dismissive avoidant.
So, what do we do? Set the guidelines.
- In moments of conflict, the dismissive-avoidant cannot feel attacked, so sentence structure is the first tool.
Avoid placing intention on an action that the dismissive-avoidant may have done on accident. “I feel lonely when we don’t spend intentional time together” is better than “you always prioritize other things over me.”
A simple spin of words can help the DA, or anyone, understand where you’re coming from when it doesn’t feel like an attack.
- Kill the need for alone time by allowing it at first.
Removing behaviors from your life takes time. When your dismissive avoidant partner feels rushed, they will shut down.
Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about you.
Giving your partner that space comes with requirements that fit your needs.
You have to set the expectation that two results come from space. There is a timeframe, so you are not twiddling your thumbs with an undefined time to reconvene. Processing means coming back to the table and identifying three emotions you feel.
Your partner needs to know that their space is respected, but you also have to be prioritized, and that distance has to be limited.
The avoidant doesn’t get to sit back and use this free time to play. It is time used to process and come to the table ready to open up and be vulnerable. It is not easy for the dismissive-avoidant. It’s not supposed to be.
X marks the spot
Relationships become dysfunctional when you get into a push-pull dynamic.
It usually happens in the power struggle phase of a relationship when the honeymoon is over.
Instead of falling for this trap, sit down and understand the other person’s view of the components of a relationship. On top of that, find the middle ground.
- Communication
Everyone wants good communication, but what does communication look like in action? Something I find helpful is a “weekly check-in.” That does not mean it is the only time you express, but it allows a defined time where you bring items to the table, personal life, or things related to the relationship.
- Intentional time
What do you consider quality time in a relationship? You’d be surprised how often people’s opinions are opposites. Intentional time to one person can mean watching Netflix, while dinner with the TV off is the other person’s logic.
- Conflict resolution
How do you act when things are not smooth sailing? Are you overwhelmed and consumed with anxiety, and is your partner directed towards avoidance? How do you turn conflict into a time to come together instead of pulling away?
No matter what pillar you’re looking at, find a middle ground. You can not be the priority, and neither can your partner.
“Us, we, and our” needs to be the priority.
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To build within this dynamic, we break it down and reconstruct it. I know you want things to improve overnight, but this takes time.
Remember, we develop our attachment style over the course of a lifetime.
It won’t turn around in a week or a few months? If you have a partner committed to improving, be patient.
I promise better times are ahead.
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Want to learn about the triggers of the dismissive-avoidant? Get a free guide here.
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Do you have a question or a story you want to share with me? Reach out to me on Instagram for a free coaching session. Here. or email me at [email protected]
Dismissive avoidant: Triggers, Dating this attachment style
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Octavio Fossatti on Unsplash
