This Dating Advice by a Nobel Prize Winner Blew My Mind

I wouldn’t expect dating advice from a Nobel prize in physics.

But here I am.

Prof. Richard Feynman contributed to quantum mechanics and helped our understanding of interactions between elementary particles. But I know more about his interactions with the fair sex even though I’ve worked in research for seventeen years.

It’s because I can relate to them.

The physicist says in his book Surely You’re Joking, Mr. Feynman! that he got stuck in New Mexico for an entire summer. With nothing fun to do, he’d go to a nightclub to meet young ladies.

The scientist was extroverted so getting ladies to talk was easy. He’d buy them a drink then and that was the end of it.

“I would have liked to do more than just talk, but there was always something the matter at the last minute.”

It’s like Mr. Feynman is talking to me here. I’ve had my share of rejections too. They were not life-changing although the first five hurt. The next one hundred, not so much. I still wanted my interactions with ladies to proceed to a more physical nature.

And like Mr. Feynman, I wanted to understand what I was doing wrong.

Once I walked up to a petite dark-haired lady in a nightclub. She was distant at first but when I persisted, she started to talk.

We moved to the bar. There she was sitting on a stool and looking at me expectantly. What would you do?

Buy her a drink, I guess. Which I did. We chatted some more but she lost interest. When her answers became monosyllabic, I realized it was time to go. So I paid and left the nightclub. I walked home instead of taking a taxi to be alone with my thoughts.

I didn’t know what the problem was but it was nice to know I was in good company. Ladies challenge even Nobel prize winners.

Mr. Feynman’s curious mind wanted answers. When he ran out of ideas, the couple running the nightclub explained that he was seen as a “spender.” The girls could see through his bullsh*t and guided him where they wanted.

The genius physicist needed to work on his people skills. The couple told Mr. Feynman to reverse-engineer the process. The girls knew what he wanted so he had to start from there.

“under no circumstance be a gentleman! […] don’t buy a girl anything […] until you’ve asked her if she’ll sleep with you…”

It was counter-intuitive but it worked. Mr. Feynman finishes the chapter by telling a story about a lady he met a few months later. It took him some courage to ask her the question,

“Listen, before I buy you a drink, I want to know one thing: Will you sleep with me tonight?”

“Yes.”

Simple but effective.

I wish I’d known this when I was single. Not every lady would’ve agreed to sleep with me but that’s not the point.

I’m honest with myself when I cold-approach a lady. I know what I want. She also knows I’m after physical love. I don’t try to get her talking to learn what a wonderful person she is.

So I pretend like her personality interests me. And this is the problem. It takes her a second to understand my motive.

Mr. Feynman’s story taught me to be honest with the fair sex. A relationship won’t get far if you start with deceitful intentions. Just like us men, ladies want to be respected before physical interactions begin.

They want you to be interested in their personalities first.

Trying to deceive women is a sign of insecurity. Why would you lie if you’re confident and know your worth? Ladies like guys with self-respect whose confidence doesn’t get nuked when they get rejected.

Just tell her loud and clear what you want.

I slightly modified Mr. Feynman’s method. There’s no reason to buy drinks for my dates because I don’t drink alcohol.

I invite them for a walk. If there’s a spark between us, I announce my romantic interest. I may or may not mention sleeping with her depending on the lady and the situation. The focus is on honesty.

The moment I stopped bullsh*ting them, the quality of my dates skyrocketed:

Either I got what I wanted
Or we stopped wasting each other’s time

No hard feelings. I’m honest with them, they’re honest with me.

Their feedback is telling.

Some were curious as to how our first date would turn out. Most were amused by my proposition. None were offended or found my intentions inappropriate. They came to the date. Surely they were interested. I just had to play it right.

Being honest builds mutual respect. Not looks, not drinks, not false promises. If she sleeps with you, surely she has the right to get to know you better?

This is my lesson from Mr. Feynman. A physicist gives dating advice to a physicist:

Honesty and respect form the bedrock of successful relationships.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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