This Election is Ruining My Relationships

I no longer discuss politics on social media with few exceptions. Though I thoroughly enjoy debating with people who view things differently than I do, I do not enjoy being attacked or called names. Unfortunately, this is how political discussions in America have become — in person and online.

In my younger years, I was very politically active and far more extreme in my views. I frequented protests and even led one that put my school on lockdown. Even though my political engagement slowed down, my social justice efforts did not. I gave time and money to do the things that I found important.

My core beliefs about social justice have remained the same, but the way I view people who disagree has changed. I value understanding over self-righteousness in a way I did not before.

The political environment has become so apathetic and vicious that even our friends and loved ones are at risk of aggression from us. Forget the state of the country for a moment; The state of our relationships is in dire need of being addressed.

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It was a trap

I made the mistake of sharing a post on Facebook that I considered to be rather benign.

I wasn’t surprised to find a former colleague and acquaintance of mine comment, “I respectfully disagree.” Her views and mine are quite similar, but she is more firm about her political line in the sand. I knew that, and I respected her choice.

I responded by validating her opinion and stating that I used to share it. I stated that I have found surprising common ground through discussions with my loved ones who have opposing views.

I’m not bothered by her choices, and figured this differing of opinions was small enough to pass. It turns out that she was exceptionally bothered.

I logged back on later to find this comment in response:

I think anyone that believes I don’t deserve the same rights as them ARE terrible people. I think if a person can look the other way while another mocks a handicapped person, assaults women and then brags about it and defrauds the country, they ARE terrible people.

You are correct, all politicians are shit. But there has to be a line.

Not only have I unfriended people over this line, I have lost family. Not a single person, not one, regardless of who they are, can look me in the eye and tell me they care only to vote for someone that will do everything in their power to make me not exist. I will absolutely not tolerate that. My daughter told me I didn’t have to worry because I’m not in a concentration camp- yet. It’s the ‘yet’ that absolutely broke me. She believes it’s coming and is ok with that and that ‘yet’ is what this all boils down to me. I will not sit silently by and let that ‘yet’ happen in the name of making the people not affected by that ‘yet’ comfortable.

But. Let me tell you this. If a politician starts wanting to take away the rights of young, cis, white women, I will feel EXACTLY the same.

We can disagree on a good many things and still be friends. This is not one of them. Will it continue to make me sad? Absolutely. But I will not go quietly into that ‘yet’.

There is a difference between being kind to one another and turning your back on people.

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My Line in the Sand

Last year, I made a set of guidelines for how I would engage in political discussions such as these.

I would not bother justifying or explaining myself to people who were so quick to debase my character solely to win a debate.
People who assume my background and upbringing have no right to hear the truth of it.
I would not explain my ethnicity or bother trying to explain to people that casually erasing my Puerto Rican heritage is offensive.
The things I did for social justice in my life would not be used to bolster an argument. That is not why I did them.

Anyone who knows me as a human being knows that social justice and human rights are vital to me. They know how I grew up and see where I hold people in similar positions in my heart.

My beliefs and values are evident in my actions despite their absence from my social media page.

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Relevant context

Though you can probably infer from her response, the commenter is an older, white, lesbian woman. We met when she was my supervisor at a former job in mental health.

We have known one another for six years. We have maintained interactions beyond likes and comments, keeping in touch in a genuine way. She is well aware that I am not completely white, and that we share most political beliefs.

I have also openly shared that I am currently co-authoring a book about the impact of generational trauma on the descendants of Holocaust survivors (The Hidden Victims, if you’re curious).

This context is important because her wording was intentionally malicious.

I was shocked by how okay it was in her mind to sum me up in whatever way would gain the most likes and comments from complete strangers. I thought more highly of her than that.

I took some time to mull this interaction over. While I would never maintain a relationship with anyone who genuinely disagrees with me about human rights, our definitions of what that looks like were misaligned.

I drafted several short responses over the next 12 hours that said something along the lines of, “Come on, that wasn’t a very nice response. You have to know me better than how you portrayed me.”

Ultimately, I decided I was not going to respond because it is evident that our views on the world and the people in it are fundamentally different, and I did not feel the need to change that even if it were a possibility.

She did not accept that as an option.

Be a Part of the Solution

On a different comment thread, 12 hours later, I received this pointed response.

Screenshot by Author (Francina Greeves)
Suddenly, the issue had nothing to do with her view of things and everything to do with the way she was treating me — her friend. Though we could disagree politically and retain a relationship, this kind of behavior was unacceptable.

The thought of unfriending her and moving on had occurred to me. Instead, I chose to engage with honesty that lacks the cruelty I was met with. I addressed the actual issue in the conversation.

I said:

I’ve been thinking a lot about how to respond to you because I’m honestly pretty flabbergasted that after knowing each other for as long as we have, generally agreeing politically, and never once having a disagreement, you would sum me up as someone who doesn’t care about human rights and as an overall bad person because I don’t cut people out of my life who disagree with me.

I don’t have to explain myself to you, ____. I have actively done a lot to show my value in human rights, and anyone who knows me is well aware of that. I did all of that without having to remove people I love from my life. Quite frankly, I’m appalled that you boiled me down to labels that are most comfortable for you to dehumanize and judge me because you disagree with me.

I see the best in people. I don’t assume that people’s intentions are inherently malicious, and that is why I have been able to maintain relationships and have genuine conversations with people. I don’t run around assuming that people who see things differently are horrible people who are out to get me, even if they do erase half of my ethnic identity to prove a point on Facebook.

I don’t want my daughter to live that way either, and we will continue to have a loving healthy relationship with each other and the world because we can have healthy and loving disagreements. I refuse to stop doing that because you have decided that makes me a bad person.

Truthfully, I feel sorry that you feel the need to isolate yourself from anyone who disagrees with you — especially since you are being so malicious toward someone who shares values with you over a rather benign Facebook post. That must get extremely lonely.

Her response involved a lot of backtracking, a deletion of the screenshotted comment, and an assertion that she did not reference me specifically. She claimed it was dehumanizing for me to belittle her concerns and that she hopes I think of her when queer people are placed in concentration camps. When presented with the screenshot, she said, “I deleted it because it was wrong.”

While not a formal apology, I accepted the acknowledgment of committing a personal offense. There was no point worth proving beyond that.

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This is bigger than a Facebook post

This is one of many interactions I have had like this. Something seemingly benign leads to full-on conflict over minute details. Why is this one relevant?

We politically nit-pick one another to the deaths of our friendships.

This scenario shows just how hostile people have become about political beliefs. Is the isolation and hurt that follows interactions like this justified by the pride in taking a digital, meaningless stand? Does the number of likes received somehow balance out the loss of a friend?

Truthfully, I want to frame my response and put it on my wall. I feel so proud of my refusal to engage in something so harsh. I wanted to nit-pick her and debase her right back, and I genuinely considered doing so.

Instead, I chose not to be part of the problem. I chose to engage with her in alignment with my values rather than mirror her behavior. Instead, I allowed my words to contradict hers in a way that maintained my kindness and integrity. Perhaps even our friendship.

In turn, the conversation fizzled and then halted.

We are still friends on Facebook, and my life is unaffected by the way she chooses to conduct her own.

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Worth noting:

I will not discuss politics in the comments for obvious reasons.
For those who are curious, I am a libertarian.
I genuinely don’t care who you voted for when, nor how you feel about either candidate. That is your prerogative and I’m not offended by it.
I have always voted 3rd party and will do so again this election.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

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