This Framework Solves Every Problem in Your Relationship in 15 Minutes

If you have a relationship, you also have conflict.

Your relationship conflicts can take a dangerous turn without you noticing it. You start arguing about the dishes, and the next thing you know, it escalates. Now, you’re arguing about how much they don’t appreciate you enough.

Conflict grows faster than a virus during a pandemic.

What’s worse: if you don’t solve your conflict properly, it can destroy your relationship for good. You need to take action before it grows out of your control. And I have good news: it doesn’t take much.

You can solve your conflicts for good in 15 minutes.

You don’t need to feel awful. You don’t need to scream. You don’t need to wait until your relationship slowly falls apart. You don’t need magic.

All you need is one simple framework.

The simple (and powerful) framework.

Susan Clarke and CrisMarie Campbell are the founders of Thrive, a coaching and consulting business that specializes in solving conflicts in relationships. They have developed a powerful framework.

All you need is a timer and 15 minutes:

Person 1 speaks for 5 minutes.
Person 2 speaks for 5 minutes.
Person 1 and 2 come up with a solution together in 5 minutes.

That’s as simple as that. During this time, you don’t interrupt your partner. Also, be open to listening to their side of the story.

Yet, there are a couple of reasons why this framework works so well.

You have to learn how to listen.

This framework is so powerful because it teaches you a powerful lesson about communication: you need to listen. It sounds simple, right? Even a toddler can listen. But most people don’t listen (and they think they do).

People don’t listen; they wait for their turn to speak.

Most people aren’t truly interested in what others say. They’re just physically there, but their mind is far away. That’s why there’s so much conflict: people don’t know how to communicate.

But the framework doesn’t work if you’re not open to listening.

Let’s be honest: it’s not nice to solve conflicts. It’s uncomfortable as f*ck to hear about how your actions hurt your partner. It’s no wonder you’d want to avoid these difficult conversations.

But they’re the only way to fix your problem.

Let your ego aside for a moment and listen. Your partner wants the same thing as you: to fix your problems. It becomes easier to listen when you know you’re working together, not one against the other.

You can’t dance alone.

It’s quite tempting to feel like you’re a superhero. You want to believe you have the power to fix your relationship alone. You’d love to know it’s under your control. Well, the framework has one important lesson.

It takes two people to be in a relationship.

You can’t dance the tango alone. And you can’t solve your relationship problems alone. No matter how hard you try: if you’re alone, you’ll fail before you start.

You need two committed people to solve problems.

In the framework, each person has equal time to speak: 5 minutes alone and 5 minutes together. That mindset brings you equality. You both have the same power to solve your conflict.

It’s just a matter of having two people willing to do the work.

The freedom of the constraint.

You’d think the time constraint makes the conversation worse. After all, how can you say everything you want to in less than five minutes? It turns out it’s the exact opposite.

The time constraint makes your conversation more effective.

Cambell explains:

“You’ll be solving a whole different problem because you’re solving more around the core values or what’s out of alignment versus ‘you’re just not the person for me.’”

When you only have five minutes to speak, you will go to the core of the issue. You won’t waste time arguing about small details that don’t matter or saying things you don’t mean.

You become a sniper with your words.

This time constraint forces you to find the genuine cause of the problem. This way, you can plan a solution that will actually work (instead of using the wrong medicine).

The constraint doesn’t imprison you. It gives you the freedom to learn what truly matters.

Your body speaks volumes about you.

When you hear unpleasant things, you’ll want to react. Even when you stay calm, you will still feel uncomfortable emotions. And your body will want to give it away: you roll your eyes or flinch.

But you can’t let your body betray you.

You may not want to interrupt them, but your body can speak volumes. How would you feel if your partner rolled their eyes when you’re doing your best to solve the problem?

When your partner speaks, it’s their moment.

You don’t control how you feel, but you control what you do about it. So be conscious of your body’s reactions and let your partner speak freely.

…

Even if you’re the perfect partner, your relationship will have conflicts. It’s not about avoiding conflicts; it’s about how you solve them.

This framework gives you a simple and powerful solution.

When you think about it, solving your conflict is quite easy: you just need communication. Yet, communication is a great challenge. That’s when the framework helps you. It tells you exactly when to speak, when to listen, and when to collaborate.

The framework also teaches other important lessons. You have to be open to different perspectives, work together, and find the real cause of the issue.

Don’t let your conflict spiral: solve it when it’s still small.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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