This Is a Weird World with Even Weirder People

You were taught loyalty meant staying, and you took that to heart, so now you are the dependable one: someone who people just feel safe venting to, who will respond to a text at 2 am asking to call because it is an emergency. Only for the emergency to be Pam’s 6th existential crisis over the guy she already blocked on Instagram twice.

People love that you are kind and always available to keep picking up, but what your teachers never told you was that the people who want you around and the people who leave you emotionally drained are often the same people… almost always, the same damn people!

“You are such a good listener. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

And just like that, they managed to make your exhaustion (mental and physical) feel like a badge of honor.

Why you never notice

I know emotional vampires. They don’t bite right away, they hug after sliding into your life disguised as friends, and most times you never guess the magnitude of what they are taking out of you because they “just need to vent real quick.”

Unfortunately for you, you always believe them because, well, you are a warm-blooded human, and it feels good to be needed. That is until you realize they are not really looking for advice or connection, just a dumping ground. You are in a veritable toxic relationship.

“If you feel more tired after talking to someone, every time, then what you have there is not a bond but a drain.”

In hindsight you may also now realize that guilt is one of their favorite strategies. Just try to pull back even a little bit, and you will see: suddenly you are the bad guy. I mean, how dare you have boundaries now (or ever) when all they want is the version of you who never says no and stays on the line even when it burns you out.

How to spot the drain

Here is your checklist, and if three or more hit, you probably have a leech in your life:

You dread their calls but pick up anyway.
They only reach out when they need something.
Your problems get dismissed or redirected back to them.
You always leave interactions feeling heavier.
Saying no feels like a betrayal, not a choice.

Don’t think you are imagining it if any of the above sound familiar. What is actually happening is you are just finally seeing it.

“I know emotional vampires. They don’t bite right away, they hug after sliding into your life disguised as friends.”

The sticky part

You love them! That is the part that sucks the most with toxic relationships because some of the most draining people in your life can be the ones who know you best. However, what you should know is that even though love and energy loss can coexist, only one of them gets to win in the long run. Besides, if losing your peace is the price you pay for being around them, it is hardly love anymore.

“Love and energy loss can coexist, only one of them gets to win in the long run.”

Way out? Have an energy budget and stick to it

Why? Because just like you wouldn’t let your phone stay on 3% battery while 21 apps run in the background, you shouldn’t let people drain your emotional battery constantly, unnecessarily, every time! You already know that your time is a precious resource, but even more so is your energy: you can never make productive use of your time if you are drained of energy.

Think of it like you only get so many bars per day, and every person, every task, and every conversation will take from those bars, so beware of the people who will selfishly keep you at 1% just so they can keep feeding off you like some external battery.

Note: You don’t have to burn the bridges when you start giving priority to well-being over their established patterns. So, pulling back doesn’t have to be something overly dramatic. You can simply just stop over-functioning (read: people-pleasing), and when you can’t engage, let the call go to voicemail, don’t reply right away, and if you do need to say something, keep it short, straight to the point, and honest.

If they do try to guilt-trip you after that, then you have your confirmation: they don’t respect your boundaries, and your value to them is simply based on your utility, not mutual respect.

“Just because they miss you doesn’t mean you belong with them.”

I have never forgotten these words someone said to me over coffee when they noticed the difficulty I was having pulling away from someone else I cared for but was a constant drain. I must also confess that at the time, it first felt a bit harsh, but now it feels like one of the kindest truths I have ever been shown.

Here is what will happen when you start pulling away:

they will miss “you”;
they will reach out;
then they will make you second-guess yourself;
(All this means is they are simply going through withdrawal because you were their free 24/7 lifeline. Who wouldn’t miss that?) and finally
if you stick to your guns you will finally have room to breathe, think, and decide what you want with your own time and energy (mental, physical… and financial)!

Remember, even if they say they miss you, it is not really you they miss but the endless access. Let them miss that! You definitely have better things to do with your energy.