“This is going to hurt me more than it is going to hurt you.” It’s a phrase rarely heard anymore, but one that once was common. It was usually followed by a sore-assed kid walking away muttering under their breath “bullshit, that hurt you more…” Nowadays it’s probably most often said in jest while taking away a child’s electronic devices.
I’ve been blessed with a very well behaved child. She needs an occasional reminder about her place in the hierarchy and a lack of sleep makes her as crabby as the next person, but very rarely does she need to be disciplined. There may be a day when I wonder if this was the wrong approach but until she starts robbing liquor stores or flipping off her teachers I’m going to cross my fingers and hope that she stays this way.
She really wasn’t even that bad yesterday. We’d spent a nice morning poolside and I had a little bit of time left before dragging myself off to work. She wanted to spend that remaining time in yet another game of Marco Polo, I was about as excited about that prospect as I was about my upcoming shift and told her that we could pass the water ball around a little more.
My daughter showed some major improvement in her softball skills this past season. She’s turned into a great hitter, enthusiastic fielder, and has a very strong arm. What she doesn’t have is a very accurate arm, so I’d imagine she was just as surprised as me when that water ball she threw in anger caught me square in the face. I even believe that she wasn’t intentionally trying to hit me.
It didn’t matter. She spent the next half an hour sitting on the deck, watching me swim around.
It wasn’t the thrown ball that she was being punished for, it was the lack of self control. She was mad and she let that anger control her behavior. Anybody can be polite and pleasant when things are going their way but I believe that it’s the way that we react when things aren’t that are the truest tests of a person’s character, the words and deeds done while distressed or angry that hurt the most. I’m not going to claim that I have always done the best job of controlling myself in these moments but I’m trying, trying to set a better example. Isn’t that really what parenting is all about, trying to mold them into better people than we are?
Today we talked about it. We played frisbee and some more catch with that ball. We did not play Marco Polo. She apologized, I accepted, and we agreed that the worst part of the situation was that we had missed out on a little bit of time together.
Something that hurt me just as much as it did her.
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Previously Published on thirstydaddy.com and is republished on Medium.
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