This Is How I Break up With Myself.

How do you talk to yourself when your relationship ends or do you even talk at all? Do you sit down calmly and say ‘hun, I know you are hurting now, but it is for the best, it may suck for a while but you’ll be fine’? Do you really do it?

Well, until recently I didn’t. The only period of my life when I don’t pay attention to how I talk to myself is when I go through a breakup.

Again, I repeat, I just realized it.

See, usually, I try and pay attention to my inner voice. If I ever get caught up with life and forget to talk to ‘me’, I go in front of a mirror, give myself a rundown of current events, convince myself that I’m doing great, and end it with a cheeky wink.

Before my important meetings, I always use my first name to myself and be like ‘April, girl, you got this.’ It is the whole concept of being your own cheerleader, right? If I am to be dating a guy, I talk to myself and say again, that I’m doing good and that I shouldn’t rush into it. (Easier said than done but still, I say it.)

Although when I’m broken up with someone, my inner voice takes a whole different turn…

Often my relationships end as my partner decides to ambush me and vanish off of the earth. I hate that. Seriously. They tell me how much they like me or love me or all that bullshit only to call me one day randomly to say bye. I hate that. It is like, ‘dude you were just here last night, giving me the I’m falling for you look, wtf?’ This article is not about how they end it though, it is about how I break up with myself.

My inner cheerleader’s first reaction is usually a good scream ended with a ‘Hell, no! Not this one too!’

It follows up with,

Seriously, you couldn’t keep this one around too?
Well, you aren’t gonna find love, that’s settled!
Did you really think this was gonna lead somewhere?
He never loved you!
He never cared for you!
Think! Maybe you can see the red flags now!
You are doomed to stay alone!
Yeah, eat that burger, that’s what’s missing now, more fat!

The list goes on. It is so subtle and apart, I never detected it before. I never realized how easy it was for me to leave ‘me’ and all this time I have been crying over people to whom it was easy to leave me?

I kept asking myself, why are they leaving me so easy? Is it because of my little mistakes? Maybe I said something to piss them off and so they left. Why do they let me go when things aren’t always good? Can’t they just stay around for the bad days too?

Well…

I didn’t stay around for the bad days, did I?

My inner voice never decided to stick around when I was going through a breakup to hold my hand and to tell me it is gonna be okay. How did I expect a guy to do this for me?

Don’t get me wrong I’m not giving any of my exes any credit for the way they ended things or how they handled it. I’m just utterly shocked to realize I dump myself as cruel and as fast as they do.

Here is the twist.

My inner voice never stops cheering me if I have an argument with someone or a bad day at work, or you know, in general when life sucks. I always cheer myself up. I always support myself. I never let myself feel sadder than I already do. Ever. It goes without saying that I have a pretty good life with amazing friends and a good-paying job that I’m successful at. I love my life.

My life struggle is usually with men.

And guess who dumps herself the second when a man decides to leave?

I just hate it when the universe throws another life lesson at me with my heartbreaks. Then again, when the pain settles and I can see clearly, I also understand the lesson and why I needed to learn it.

This one wasn’t easy to swallow. I never realized how similar I was to my exes. All this time, blaming them for leaving the second things get a bit rough or staying around all lovey-dovey until one day to change 180 degrees on me.

It was me all along.

Not just them, I did me wrong too.

I swore to never, EVER, let me go that easy. The cost of letting myself go is higher than I can afford. I’m sorry ‘me’, for letting you go when you needed it the most, and doubting you so many times. I came back for you though, never to leave again. Will you take me back?

With much love,

April Moons
—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***