This Is How People in a Healthy Relationship Solve Their Problems

Growing up, I’ve never seen my single mom’s relationships work out. All fell apart due to different reasons and circumstances.

Some were external factors, but the rest? It’s pretty much internal.

It was either she didn’t like the guy anymore, or the guy decided to back off. I mean, not all men want to start a relationship with a woman who already has 2 kids.

Too much responsibility, you know?

All those journeys of hers successfully made me very skeptical when it came to building a healthy relationship.

Most times, the blame was on me. I kept sabotaging the relationship, to the point I got scared of being closed with someone I truly liked.

But time heals and changes some of your perspectives on love. Many years later, I can confidently say I have the ability to build and nurture a healthy relationship.

Why so many couples don’t “make it.”

Before we get into the solution, let’s first talk about why so many couples don’t make it.

Depending on where you live, the definition of “making it” will vary, of course. In the country where I come from, you’re considered successful in a relationship the moment you get married.

And that’s it. Most people, especially in smaller towns, just stay with one person for the rest of their lives — regardless of whether they’re happy or not in the marriage.

However, once I moved to the western country, I noticed they have a different definition of what is considered “successful”. It highlights the quality of the relationship.

Getting married to someone doesn’t mean you’ve succeeded in your love life. But maintaining it, keeping it healthy, and ensuring your partner and you are happy with each other even after so many years — that’s the goal.

Still, it’s not always an easy job. Building a healthy, committed, and meaningful relationship can be the hardest thing in life. And that explains why so many quits.

It’s not necessarily complicated, yet it’s hard.

Couples call it quit because of the lack of communication between both parties and too much understanding. Or they simply got bored and thought there must be someone better out there waiting for them.

Sure, many more break up due to cheating and all other extreme cases. However, many people quit but then regret it years later.

Let’s remember, just because a huge fight’s happening, it doesn’t mean you should walk away and jump back into the dating pool.

Too many people don’t even want to give their 100% in their romantic relationship anymore.

They’re so ready to give up the moment things don’t live up to their expectations.

Communication is something couples don’t take seriously enough

Dr. Gottman, one of the most outstanding psychologists out there, talks about how having “deep friendship” matters a lot in making a relationship work.

“…mutual respect and enjoyment of each other’s company. They tend to know each other intimately — they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in little ways day in and day out.”

And to be your partner’s best friend takes a lot of time and work. This is where you need to communicate every day — even about mundane things.

Whenever people ask me how I stay in one relationship for so long, the simple answer is always the strong communication skill my partner and I have built together.

I’d be lying if I said I never felt bored. Of course, the feelings were there.

But isn’t that part of life in general? You can’t be in a relationship and expect it to be magical all the time.

In most cases, most healthy relationships are boring. You don’t always wake up with butterflies in your stomach, and that’s OK.

What matters is how you and the person you’re with still want to be in it for the long run and actually put in the work to keep it healthy.

This means, you stay curious about each other and avoid assuming you know everything about your partner.

This means, refusing to sweep things under the rug and having a real conversation instead.

This means, you learn hard on how to forget and forgive. Because at the end of the day, we are all humans, and we make mistakes.

Here’s how you know it’s worth sticking around during a hard time

The most common question when it comes to having a long-term relationship is, “how do you know it’s worth it?”

You might ask that question more when you and your partner are having issues. It’s the days when you’re wondering if being with someone else will make it so much easier.

But the truth is, the grass next to your house will always be greener.

You know it’s worth sticking around when your partner puts in the same effort as you do to keep it together. Nothing feels worse than having to fight alone in the relationship.

If that’s the case, you should know the relationship is already dead. And the last thing you want to do is to try to change your partner’s mind about it.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***