There’s this trend on TikTok where couples show their old photo together in one slide and their new photo in 2023 in the next slide with the caption “We made it”.
It hit me since I, too, went through 7 years of long distance before getting married.
When you see it online, it’s easy to assume that this type of relationship is like a fairy tale — with closing the distance as a “happy ending”.
I can tell you it’s so far from the truth.
Most couples in long-distance relationships are fragile, pessimistic, and hopeless.
It’s hard enough to make an in-person relationship work, so you can imagine it’d take 10 times more effort to make an online relationship work.
Setting a deadline
There’s a pattern I’ve seen with long-distance couples: they underestimate the importance of setting a deadline. The earlier you close the gap, the less time you’ll waste.
This means making a plan (any plans) even if they’re still vague. Don’t be afraid to bring up the “future” topics.
There’s no such thing as rushing to live in the same place. If your partner makes you feel that way, then maybe he/she doesn’t want to be with you.
No, seriously.
Some people I’ve met who didn’t make it told me their ex used to avoid talking about closing the distance. Even after there’s a decision, their ex still finds excuses that they should just stay long-distance while they “figure things out” in their real life.
It’s hard to see your partner’s real intention when you’re madly in love with someone. But regardless, you should be able to see their commitment from their actions.
Setting a deadline for both of you to live in the same place is definitely one of them.
Compromising without losing yourself
When it comes to long-distance relationships, you need to compromise more. It’s just how it is. That’s why many couples fail because they aren’t willing to compromise.
I don’t blame them though.
It’s tough to compromise when nothing is guaranteed. You might decide to move out of your country to close the gap but there’s still a chance that the relationship fails.
I wish I learned this earlier. Back in 2020, my partner and I tried to temporarily close the distance by moving to Canada. I ended up staying for 10 months due to the pandemic.
During that time, I realized we got along more on the phone compared to in person. We’ve had so many fights and disagreements that at some point, we asked ourselves,
“Are we even compatible anymore?”
It was hard to admit because we had been so in love over the phone for years, how could all of it go when meeting in person?
Many long-distance couples have this image that once they’re in the same city and location, they’ll be happily ever after. But most times, it’s not true.
So I highly recommend you be thoughtful with your sacrifices.
How much are you actually willing to compromise? Will they cost your mental health? And if things go south, how much resentment are you going to have?
Asking questions like this doesn’t mean you don’t believe in your relationship, it just means you’re being practical.
Your relationship is not special
Being in this type of relationship can make you feel isolated. But that doesn’t mean you are alone. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help from those who have made it.
Let me tell you why this is important.
When you’re in a long-distance relationship, it’s easy to live in a “bubble” — just you and your partner imagining the best future together.
You’ll be in your head often and eventually, other areas in your life will be neglected.
You’ll think what you’re having with this person who’s a thousand miles away is so special that nothing else matters.
You’ll do anything to make it work but don’t realize how much it costs you.
Asking for help from professionals or those who are on the same page as you will make you spend less time in your head. When there’s a problem in your relationship, instead of shutting yourself off from the rest of the world, you’ll think of a practical solution and then move on quickly.
Lastly, talking to other people will also give you constant hope.
You’ll think more of practical steps on how to close the distance rather than fighting over small things on the phone (been there too many times).
If many couples out there have successfully worked together to close the distance and start living together in real life, then there’s no doubt you and your partner can do it too.
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If I could turn back the time, I wish I could shorten the time I spent on “maintaining” my long-distance relationship back then. Doing it for too long can mess up your mental health.
Many young people especially, like to romanticise this idea of having a “soulmate” who lives abroad and are willing to spend years waiting for that one person.
We all know it’s not an easy thing to do but most people also make it harder than it already is.
While I’ll never ask you to either continue or stop your long-distance relationship, there are some practical steps (mentioned above) that you can take to make things easier.
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If you resonate with me, check out my exclusive newsletter, or grab this e-book on how to stop dating time-wasters.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Jorge Gardner on Unsplash
