This is the Type of Guy That Down-to-Earth Women Want to Be Approached By

Is it hard to find love?

If it wasn’t already we’ve turned something that was and turned it up like 10 notches.

The idea of finding an attractive girlfriend seemed like an impossibility to me for a decade. Rejection and other home-life problems crushed my spirit.

Since high school, I pretty much settled for the title of “shy, quiet, loner” who went to the library to read during lunch. Just to avoid people.

I was the opposite of what most women are looking for.

In elementary school I was more outgoing and friendly, but once I donned that label I quit developing my social skills.

Thus, as an adult, I felt emotionally stunted, which only compounded the problems.

It wasn’t until my late 20s I found a girlfriend but I “cheated the system” by using a dating app.

Yes, it was a victory, but I knew I bypassed a genuine connection for surface-level companionship.

Plus I resented her because I realized I wasn’t genuinely attracted to my partner.

Online dating’s major drawback

Online dating promises a lot but fails to deliver. While online dating seems prevalent, it’s actually not. Only 34% of men and 27% of women use online dating.

So where’s everyone finding their “person” then?

A few different places:

They stick with a high school or college “sweetheart” and never venture past what feels familiar or comfortable.
They chase after coworkers or use the “friends of friends” approach.

I’m not saying you can’t find love this way — I mean, who am I to criticize, I blinded myself to these opportunities.

But if these options aren’t really available and you lack the skills to effortlessly find love you WILL have to practice socializing intentionally.

So for someone like me, it’s not that my options are limited but I had to make some adjustments.

Instead of focusing on the few people already in my social circle or from work, I looked at it this way.

Not everyone is single, but there are entire cities full of people to meet.

And if you’re not careful, you can easily fall into despair by thinking your dating pool is small, but this is not true. You have options.

So it took me time to re-adjust my mindset. This wasn’t an overnight process.

I integrated myself into professional dating advice from dating and self-improvement coaches — all free online.

Here’s the truth of what I rediscovered and remembered:

Women want to be approached.

Our ancestors didn’t have the dating apps or technology that we have now.

But they still managed to procreate. How else did we all get here?

Obviously, be authentic and approach tactfully.

You can directly approach and compliment, but confident men are mindful about it.

None of the professionals I follow use sleazy, disrespectful pickup lines.

Keep all this in mind for YOUR safety and to be respectful to her. Do you want to deal with a pissed-off boyfriend or husband?

Confidence — the opposite of being shy and timid

Women want to talk to confident men. Not sleazy, arrogant confidence.

They want the real shit.

Trust me.

You can disagree with me, but let’s be honest. There’s a natural sexual dynamic between men and women.

Women are usually the “choosers” in relationships. It’s biology. Evolution.

Men are more likely to want to “spread their seed” and pursue women for relationships.

It’s not a judgment, it’s how it is.

Obviously, things aren’t always “black and white,” but women have to be a little more selective because they have more to lose when it comes to all this.

That’s why women weigh their options more than a man might.

Realistically, this isn’t anything new. Nothing I’m saying here is some huge, deep revelation that no one’s thought of.

But most guys will completely forget about this and they will discount how confidence is a huge factor in finding a mate.

Everyone’s been told, Just be yourself and someone will love you regardless!

I wish that were true, but it’s really simple.

Confidence sets you apart from guys who are too lazy or afraid to take charge of their lives.

The ones who think they don’t have to put any work into finding love.

This is what changed it all for me

My fiance left me, and I resorted back to dating apps for cheap thrills, toxic relationships, and commitment-phobic partners.

Sick of all that, I decided to try cold approaching. The dating coaches I looked up to had the results I wanted. Love, sex, and relationship.

And I was done listening to my peers who didn’t have what I wanted trying to give me advice.

Cold approaching is simple.

Talk to women you don’t know. Hence the word “cold.” In public. And during the day.

Whether or not the conversation will lead to anything, you do it anyway.

Spark attraction, get a number or a date, and then build it from there.

Whether you do this when you go to a cafe before work, walk down the sidewalk during lunch to go to a shop, or if you’re out grocery shopping in the evening — it doesn’t matter.

Don’t overthink it, women are everywhere.

And with this approach — whether you have the skills or not, this puts more opportunities in front of you.

Instead of settling for convenient options like dating apps or social groups that force you to play a passive role in your dating life, you’re more likely to meet someone you’re genuinely attracted to.

But back to my example. I faked my confidence.

I was bold — probably too bold at times. Mostly to overcome my anxiety. I overcompensated and missed something…

I embarrassed myself, got scared, and settled back to what was familiar — the apps.

When you’re stubborn like me it might take a lot of pain to get the message.

So almost a year later I went back to approaching IRL because I finally accepted I was emotionally bypassing this whole thing called “love.”

So I went to the basics, “Hi, how are you?”

I kept practicing. After 35 approaches in 3 or 4 weeks so far, I noticed something.

When I was nervous or anxious it came out in my voice.

I’d greet women with a meek, shaky, “people-pleaser” voice with that telltale “taking” inflection.

Results were mixed.

I’d get ignored or women would respond with the same energy.

A few times I’d get positive results, but I knew it would take more than a few meek hellos to “move the needle” in the direction I wanted.

Once I got out of my own way — through letting go, mental rewiring, a bit of therapy, and meditation I saw better results.

My voice has started to exemplify these qualities. Strength, volume, clarity, and confidence.

The results? Night and day.

Women have been more receptive and I’ve noticed how insecurity affects both parties.

I’ve taken it up a notch by offering compliments.

Because, like a workout routine, you will have to slowly build up to what you’re comfortable doing.

The problem is, to get confidence, you have to exercise it.

If you’re not courageous in social settings, approaching strangers is the best crucible for building this “social muscle.”

Ultimately, the point is to develop the skills to be socially intelligent, mindful, courageous, willing to take risks, face rejection, and take accountability.

All the qualities that foster and maintain love in a relationship.

As I continue to figure things out on this dating journey, I remain committed to providing you with insightful wisdom and advice for your journey as well.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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