This Is What I Find Sexy in a Man

A friend of mine had a date with a guy she met online. Two of us girls happened to run into them. The following day they went on a second date. We assumed it was going well.

“I’m not interested in him,” says my friend.

“Why not?” we ask. “He’s adorable and nice.”

“Nope,” she says. “He’s not for me.”

Within minutes, we are talking about two of the girls’ prior boyfriends. It clear we don’t see what they saw in these men. But they take our comments remarkably well.

“Obviously,” says one of my friends. “We find different things attractive in men.”

That’s a given.

I’ve written about attraction.

You can’t force it, it’s either there, or it’s not.

The conversation shifts to what makes a man sexy.

Our friend’s ‘online date guy’ is a first responder. Two of us vote that the badge, and uniform definitely place him in the sexy category. We have a good laugh about it.

It makes me ask myself a question.

What do I find sexy in a man?

Attraction doesn’t necessarily equal sexiness.

I can attest to this.

I didn’t think my husband was sexy.

It’s not a word I would’ve used to describe him, or my attraction to him.

He was tall, fit, charming, and extremely good-looking. I’ve often thought our attraction made me remain married longer than I should have. It never faded.

It wasn’t one of our issues.

You’re probably wondering why I divorced a man I would describe that way. A diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder would explain why my handsome charmer was alternately cold, and cruel.

But let’s get back to sexy.

What makes a man sexy?

Before I tell you what I believe makes a man sexy, I’m going to delve into the generalized categories of what makes a man sexy. In other words, the less personal, and individualized side of sexy.

5 Things that can make a man sexy.

1. The inexplicably sexy

Some men are inexplicably sexy.

They have an overall effect. It could be their physical appearance. It could be their charm. It could be their demeanor. It could be all of it. They’re a sexy enigma. It’s something about them that can’t necessarily be pinpointed.

They’ve have a natural swagger.

The inexplicably sexy man is inexplicably sexy.

2. The universally sexy

Uniforms get the me every time.

It’s even become a dating event in New York called Rescue Me where potential matches meet brave firefighters, cops, and other first responders.

Single women also have a chance to meet brave military men from the Navy, Coast Guard, and Marine Corps at Fleet Week Bash. This New York Post article has more details about Single and the City, and their aforementioned events.

Every branch of the military, first responders, and a few other uniforms I may be forgetting have a hero meets rescue appeal.

The universally sexy rescuer gets the girls.

3. The accidental sexy

Some men are cluelessly unaware of their own sexiness.

Women love men who don’t realize how handsome, or appealing they are. The guy who is absent of ego, or arrogance. They can suck a woman in. They’re the good guy in an undeniably sexy package.

The accidental sexy man is unassumingly sexy.

4. The ‘work it’ sexy

Some men work overtime at their sexy.

Women can find men who are well put together extremely sexy. It could be the gym devotion, the clothes, and/or the haircut. A well-groomed guy who cares a lot about his presentation can be model-esque sexy.

The ‘work it’ sexy man is stylish, in shape, and hip.

5. The wrong kind of sexy

Some men are the wrong kind of sexy.

There are some men women should run from. Instead, women can find that sexy. It’s a tale as old as time. The sexy maverick who breaks a girl’s heart. The quintessential bad boy.

The man who won’t commit, won’t treat a woman properly, is inconsistent, unavailable, hard to get, and more.

The wrong kind of sexy isn’t sexy at all.

…

These are 5 generalized categories of what makes a man sexy. They are the less personal side of sexy. One might call it the crowd-sourced opinion of sexy.

They can have a broad appeal.

There’s also the individual side of sexy.

It’s not unlike attraction, it’s particular to each person.

What one woman finds sexy, another woman may not.

It could be a personality trait such as kindness, or generosity.

It could be a sense of humor, leadership, motivation, aspirations, confidence, intellect, strength. It could be a man who’s adventurous. It could be a man who’s chivalrous.

It could be superficial for some women.

It could be related to wealth, or status.

It could be how a man makes a woman feel. He could make her feel safe, protected, heard, cared for. He could be attentive.

I’ve had an epiphany while writing this.

It surprised me.

I always say if a man makes me laugh, I’ll follow him anywhere. It’s true. A sense of humor is non-negotiable to me. It’s a pre-requisite for attraction.

It took this deep dive into sexy…

In order to realize, it’s not what I find sexy.

My ex-husband was one of the funniest people I’ve ever known.

And again, I never thought of him as sexy.

What do I find sexy in a man?

A man with a strong sense of self, and purpose. A man who is generous, thoughtful, kind, and empathetic enough to care about others. A man who is good to women, supportive, and protective. A man who makes the world feel safe in every way…emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

I realize why I’ve never associated ‘sexy’ with my ex-husband.

I’m shocked it’s taken until now to discover it.

Sadly, it demonstrates the depth of our relationship.

I would’ve had said I didn’t need a man (my husband) to be sexy to be attracted to him. The reason? A younger me thought in the generalized categories of sexiness.

The 5 generalized crowd-sourced versions.

I wasn’t looking for a sexy man.

I married a man who was funny, charming, and the life of the party. He seemed like a great guy. Unfortunately, he was a man who selfishly lived in his own world. He didn’t think of others, including me.

He became less attractive to me.

I should say, he became emotionally less attractive to me.

Ultimately, it allowed me to walk away from the physical attraction.

It’s taken a year of dating, to understand the importance of what a woman finds sexy in a man. It’s another reminder of the disparity between youthful, and grown romance.

We’re looking for something different this time around.

We don’t necessarily reflect long enough to determine what that is. Obviously, I knew I wasn’t looking for anyone like my ex-husband.

But the starkness of discovering why he wasn’t sexy is still jarring.

It’s a crystal clear contrast.

Surprisingly, sexy can correspond deeply to our own ‘self.’

All of the things I find sexy in a man, are the needs that were never met by my husband. Yet even before I realized this, I wouldn’t have described him as sexy. I gravitated toward a man who was never going to meet my needs.

He was never going to be to be sexy.

He was never the right match.

Not to mention, my gravitation toward humor. It’s interesting because my guy friend made a list of 26 things he wanted in a woman. We joke about it. I told him humor would be number one on my list.

He told me that was a near future quality, not long-term.

I had planned to write about his thoughts. I just hadn’t gotten around to it yet. I was going to do it when I created my own list. I was going to explore the thoughtfulness, and meaning in what he said.

It turns out my buddy was right.

Humor won’t be number one on my list.

Even if, I still consider it non-negotiable. Even if it makes me follow a man anywhere. Even if it’s still a pre-requisite for attraction.

I’m going to focus on the individual side of sexy. The humor will follow. My buddy found a girl who checked his long-term, and is incredibly funny.

I know what I find sexy in a man.

I realize sexiness is subjective to each woman.

I didn’t expect a simple introspection to yield the epiphany it delivered. Nor did I expect the sexiness of a man to correlate so deeply to my ‘self’ rather than the man. And provide a stark example of the contrast between the man I left, and the man I hope to find.

Attraction doesn’t necessarily = sexiness.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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