This is When You Will Know They’re the Right Person for You

Many find themselves in the wrong relationships because they don’t properly filter or vet the people they date.

They find someone they initially like and overlook glaringly obvious red flags because they don’t want to be alone. Then the honeymoon phase ends and they’re left with the real version of their partner.

It’s not always an enjoyable experience.

I wish I had developed this list earlier in my dating life because it would have saved me a lot of time.

But the best lessons are learned from failure.

The inspiration for this story came from Dating Sucks, but You Don’t: The Modern Guy’s Guide to Total Confidence, Romantic Connection, and Finding the Perfect Partner, Connell Barrett.

1. Do they intend to be a partner?

This is priority number one. If the person you’re dating or already in a “relationship” with doesn’t make it a priority, it’s a situationship.

People want the “benefits” of a relationship with minimal to no effort. They want a partner without considering the idea of being that to someone else.

Forget about whether they want a partner or a relationship. We all want wealth, a great physique, financial success, a family, and many other things.

But there’s a difference between wanting and intending. Wanting is like fantasizing. It takes more than wanting for a relationship to function. Things don’t always “work out” just because we hope they do.

Once my ex said after she broke up with me “I want to want to be together again.”

But those were just words. She never intended to give the relationship another chance. When you intend to do something you act to stack the odds in your favor.

Because nothing in life is guaranteed.

Stop hanging on their words and start paying attention to their actions.

Are they planning dates?
Do they show up on time?
Do they even show up at all?
Do they ask you meaningful questions?
When you text, do they reply like they’re interested in you?

Many people only want you around for what you offer them. Do their actions give you the feeling they are open to commitment? Or is it the opposite?

2. Do you fit together?

You can break this down into two parts.

Sexual compatibility
Emotional compatibility

When these two things are balanced, things tend to “feel right” and the relationship “fits”.

For example, you could have a lot of sexual chemistry with someone but they have issues with emotional intimacy. Or you don’t get along too well with them. You’re always butting heads and arguing. The sex could be great but outside of that the relationship or dating experience is flat, stagnant, or even toxic.

Sometimes things don’t align well. That’s okay.

It’s great to get along, be friends, and have fun, but sexual compatibility is vital. Which is why I don’t see a good reason to wait too long before having sex. However, this doesn’t mean I’m saying go “play the field” with every person. That carries its own risks.

Outside of physical intimacy, “Does it feel right” is one of the most important questions to ask yourself. Yet, it’s so difficult to accurately explain what it means for it to “feel right”. Every situation is different.

If it doesn’t feel right to me, there’s always that “low hum” of anxiety. For one reason or another, my mind is picking up on subtleties that I am unaware of.

Those subtleties may indicate potential red flags that I’m unaware of.

3. Are your values aligned?

Compatibility hinges on having shared values. A long-term relationship is irrelevant if you can’t agree on important decisions such as:

Marriage
Children
Finances
Politics
Religion

Depending on the area you live in the culture may greatly influence your dating life. This happened to me a while back. I realized I shared many things in common with a girl I dated.

Neither of us wanted children. I’d argue she was vehemently against them. We are both atheists. She and I have similar political values and I felt like I could be myself around her.

We had a similar dark sense of humor, music, and the macabre.

Considering the area, she was a “breath of fresh air” to me, but she seemed “too good to be true”. Unfortunately I was right. Because of her choices the “relationship” ended and I realized that it takes more than compatibility for it to work.

It’s about chemistry, fitting together, and ultimately both parties being partners to each other.

4. Are you growing together?

How often do relationships come about for convenience? To not be alone? Because we need someone to “make us happy”?

Why commit to someone if you won’t support them or grow as a person?

You’re growing apart if the relationship isn’t on an upward trend. This is a joint effort. Both people are involved. Each person in the relationship must be committed to their personal growth.

Think about what would happen if only one person “worked on themselves”. One person would stay the same and the other person would outgrow the relationship.

I recall some partners throwing the blame onto me for their reactions or their feelings. That kind of attitude makes it impossible for them to self-reflect and grow.

They would feel stifled or frustrated by a partner unwilling to develop themselves. The relationship would become unbalanced. But it’s not about financial or career success.

None of that matters. That’s only a byproduct of getting the “internal” straightened out.

But “working on yourself” isn’t always a passive thing. It takes effort. To make love and a relationship last, there’s work that has to be done.

Do they blame others or avoid problems?
How often is your partner pursuing pleasure?
Does your partner self-reflect, meditate, or annotate their feelings?
Do they take ownership of themselves and the relationship?

Observe how they spend their time.

Usually, you don’t have to ask. As you spend time with someone, the clearer the picture gets. You’ll find that you have a good understanding of where their energy goes.

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You can simplify dating when you use these four filters. You don’t have to overthink love or relationship. When everything aligns you’ll know they’re the right person and it’s time to ask for commitment.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

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The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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