My wife and I were recently reflecting on how our relationship never feels like work. Even though it seems like we do a lot of the same things people mean when they say “relationships are hard work”:
- We have tough conversations.
- We’re not afraid to disagree, sometimes passionately.
- We have a full range of emotions.
- We have the courage to hear truths that aren’t pleasant and speak feelings we’re not proud of.
- We call each other out, and we expose our own unattractive parts of ourselves.
- We’re willing to take a stand if we feel strongly about something, even when it feels like we’re putting the relationship at risk.
- We stretch ourselves out of old habits and into new patterns.
- Most importantly, we stay connected through it all, until we get to to the other side.
We’ve never not resolved an issue. And each time we do we reap the benefits—we feel closer, more loving, more supported and supportive, more accepting of ourselves and each other.
But it never feels like work.
Why is that?
To be honest, I didn’t immediately know. I had to give it some thought. Then I read something that helped solidify it for me.
Someone suggested that the purpose of relationships is to get our needs met.
Seems reasonable, right? I mean, who could argue with that?
But it occurred to me that I don’t subscribe to that belief. I mean I understand the thinking behind it. But it’s not how I personally think, it’s not how I approach my marriage, it’s not how I coach couples, and it doesn’t show up in my writing or teaching about intimate coupledom.
And that’s why my relationship never feels like work.
Let me explain.
You can have a job that pays the bills. Or you can have a career you’re passionate about, doing work you love. (That also happens to pay well.)
You can cook yourself dinner most nights, because a person’s gotta eat, and it’s less expensive than going out. Or you can be really into it, take cooking classes, learn new recipes, watch all the chef shows, cook for friends, experiment with new ingredients, etc. (And also eat well.)
You can donate to the cause of your choice every December and get the tax write-off. Or you can volunteer with Big Brothers Big Sisters, and become deeply invested in the success of a child in need of role models and mentoring. (While also enjoying a tax break.)
We’re talking about intrinsic vs. extrinsic motivation.
Some things you do for the reward, or to avoid something bad happening. That’s extrinsic motivation.
Some things you do because you enjoy them, they’re their own reward. That’s intrinsic motivation.
Well here’s one of the most important and uncomfortable truths about relationships that no one talks about: you can love the perks of relationship but not actually enjoy doing relationship. You can love your partner but not get off on the process. You hang in there but if you’re honest, on a day to day basis, relationship just isn’t your jam.
In short, you can be more extrinsically motivated than intrinsically motivated in your relationship.
That’s precisely what it means when you say, “the purpose of relationship is to get your needs met.”
And that’s what turns it into work.
If your job is all about the paycheck, it’s functional and transactional. You come to work each day by choice—it’s a mutually beneficial relationship and overall you’re happy with it. But you don’t necessarily enjoy it, nor do you expect to, nor is that why you’re doing it. It serves its purpose.
It feels like work because it is work, by definition.
With a career you love or a project you’re deeply passionate about, you’re likely doing more, not less. Putting in more time and effort, diving into more challenging obstacles. Everything is not rosy and easy all the time.
A mountain climber has great days, and shitty days. But at the end of the day she’s engaged in something she loves to do, and because of that even the worst days feel different. She complains but it’s superficial—at a deeper level it’s all deeply gratifying. It feels less like work and more like flow.
I love Ana. But you can love someone and not love doing relationship, and I love doing relationship with her. I thoroughly enjoy the process.
Yes, there are struggles. There are challenges. There are sides of her that I “like” and “dislike.” I use quotes here because it’s superficially true. Deep down, I love every minute of it. I savor all of it. I’m fascinated by all of it.
Doing relationship is my flow state. It’s my jam.
I believe the purpose of relationship is to experience the nutrient of connection. That may or may not be a need, but if you don’t enjoy the process, getting that need met is going to feel like work.
For me personally, and in my role as a coach to others, I practice and teach intimate coupledom as a passion (that also pays off), not a means to an end.
If you want to explore how this applies to you, try this experiment.
- For the next few minutes, let go of everything “wrong” about your partner. Have them be exactly right, just the way they are. Imagine choosing them without wanting or needing to change them in any way.
- From that place, write down everything you do in your relationship because you enjoy it. These are your intrinsically motivated actions. List as many as you can think of.
- Next, write down everything you do in your relationship for a potential future payoff, or to keep the shit from hitting the fan. These are extrinsically motivated actions. No one is going to see these lists but you, so be honest with yourself about it.
- Next, write down everything you dislike in this relationship, everything you’re unhappy with. (By the way, in this part you’re free to resume thinking your partner is “wrong,” if you do.)
- Finally, go through the list you just made in step 4 and circle the ones that you’ve experienced in a previous relationship. These are the recurring motifs in your relating in general.
Look over what you wrote. On the whole, does it feel like you treat intimate coupledom as a passion of yours — something you do because you enjoy it — or more like a job — something you do for the payoff?
Are you into it the way Alice Waters is into cooking, and Jackson Galaxy is into cats? Or are you in it to get your needs met? There’s a world of difference.
This is valuable for you to know about yourself, and valuable to know about each other. Fundamentally different goals call for fundamentally different strategies. (Hint: people who are in it to get their needs met tend to partner up with each other, so what’s true of one of you is likely true of the other.)
Your assignment: Have an honest conversation with your partner about this. Be more explicit than you’ve ever been about your intrinsic and extrinsic motivations.
Work out your ROI.
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Previously Published on Medium
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