It’s been weeks since I last saw him. We speak a few times a week briefly and the thought of us hasn’t come up. Mostly because we actually have lives to update on each other about. The voice notes and video diaries being sent are cute, a reminder that hey guess what I’m here. But the fact of we’re miles and miles apart still remains the same.
This has been one of the most complicated situations I have ever been in. And I’ve been in a lot. But what makes this one more complicated than the others? It wasn’t lust, and I knew it.
When I was newly single and seeking advice and comfort in people who knew what I was going through one much older woman took me to coffee. We met at work and she had gone through something eerily similar about 40 years prior. She said a something that stuck out to me more than anyone else.
When you fall in love, it will be quick. Minutes even. But you’ll know. It’ll be calm, it’ll be quiet, and it’ll be fast.
And that’s exactly what happened.
It had been weeks since I saw him.
I got a phone call on a Saturday morning, from a man that I could have a future with if I let go of all that has happened in the last few months. Let’s call him T. T and I were very similar and had more than enough in common. We were attracted to each other, had great sex, our parents lived in the same city. His mom thinks I’m pretty, his dad thinks I’m funny. He’s got a million dollar smile and a personality you wouldn’t get tired of.
When T and I talked we talked for hours, about nonsense and this phone call wasn’t any different. This one though ended differently.
I’ll be in town next weekend, I want to see you.
We lived a few hours apart, but our families are from the same area so it was easy to get in touch when we both went home for the holidays. He repeated himself because I hadn’t answered with my normal enthusiasm. Normally I’d greet him with an of course, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Or I’ll book the room now. But this time, I asked when he’d be here instead. He seemed shocked.
When are you in town?
What do you mean when? Are you gonna be gone?
I might be.
I lied. I didn’t have any concrete plans in the foreseeable future. And although he’s never been to my house, when he comes to town we stay at the Four Seasons in our home town and stay there for a night or two visiting our families in between raunchy nights and early morning gym sessions. He was so used to me just saying ok that the questions threw him off. He knew something was up.
A few days later he called me again but this time asking when I was going to go back down to visit him a few hours south. I was used to weekend getaways with him. Drive down to his house in the morning, stay the day, go out and have a fun night. Leave the next day. It was something that happened maybe once a month or so and it had been about two months since our last rendezvous.
My heart was somewhere else. Completely. My life had been turned upside down. Was I in love? Because lust goes away.
When someone goes away, I’m usually really good at letting them. I’m great at reading in between the lines and understanding the truths behind words. But this one, I couldn’t let go. I have no desire to think of anyone else and it’s understandably upsetting. I’m 30, single, and probably in love with a man that I’ll either have to wait for, or will never have. And he has no idea.
The craziest part about the whole thing; is I have no idea if he feels the same.
This post was previously published on medium.com.
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