After seeing myself slip into the same old unhealthy dating patterns over and over, I made a checklist of six traits, that would help me spot the wrong people early on.
I quickly started weeding out, until eventually meeting my current partner. Who up to this day, thankfully, still checks all my boxes.
In my opinion, we often settle for less, because we think we cannot have it all. But I can tell you from my own experience that we can. We just have to focus on what is important to us and let go of what doesn’t aline with that.
Putting the following six points down on a checklist, helped me to stay focused and not get stuck in the grey zone.
If only one of these components was missing, as hard as it was, I would move on.
Point One: Emotional Availability
If someone can’t express their feelings or can’t make space for my feelings, he is not for me.
In former relationships, whenever I expressed feelings of hurt or even strong feelings of affection, the other person would not be able to handle them.
One man, or shall I call him a boy, went so far to break up with me because of it.
That same boy, when he felt hurt, would not articulate it, but instead, went on to have a threesome with my best friend…(Nope, I didn’t see that one coming).
Experiences like this led me to decide that I wanted to be with someone who is emotionally available. Meaning that my partner is being responsive and present to my feelings, but also comfortable with feeling and sharing his own feelings.
I have that now, and I don’t know where our relationship would be without it.
For a lot of reasons, one can be emotionally unavailable. But, I learned that it is not for me to fix them. And it is not for me to prove that I can change them, either.
The sooner us emotionally available people accept that, the better.
Point Two: Exclusivity
For some people, this might sound like an obvious one. But for the people that have been out there dating for a while now, it really oftentimes isn’t so obvious.
Too often, I experienced dating a man who was still seeing other people -openly or in secret. And oftentimes I would pretend that I was okay with it. But really I wasn’t.
After having my heart broken enough times, I accepted that for me this is a non-negotiable.
I wanted to be the one and only for the person that would be my one and only.
Side note: I am speaking out of my own personal desire. If you are into polyamorous relationships, feel free to take this one off your list. I will get to crafting your own personal checklist later on.
Point Three: Appreciation
After learning to fully value myself, I realized that a lot of people I had dated in the past, weren’t doing the same. They just weren’t appreciating me and the time they spent with me.
Say someone isn’t making you a priority, meaning they are not trying to spend time with you, or they don’t ask you questions about yourself. Are you being appreciated?
I, in recurring scenarios, definitely wasn’t.
I have so many friends, men and women, who slip into this trap. They date people who aren’t excited about dating them.
At this point, I’m not even speaking about love – that can come later in the relationship. But being seen and valued whilst dating, I decided for myself, is the bare minimum.
Also, I believe not being appreciated by someone doesn’t make you or them a bad person. Some people make a fit and some don’t, that is life. Everyone has to find their matches.
I know it can be very painful to admit to oneself that the other person is not really into you. But being honest with yourself will help you take the power back.
It can be the push, many of us need, to let certain people go. And instead, focus on the ones that see and appreciate us for who we truly are.
…
A question I started asking myself was “Is this person trying to get to know me?” Or if I had been seeing someone for a while “Does the other person know me?”
For me and for many of my friends the answer to this was often “No”.
If the answer is “No”, there is a chance the guy or the girl doesn’t really appreciate you. I realized if someone is not taking the time to get to know me, how can they appreciate me and eventually love me?
Also, my experience is that people who didn’t fall for me in the long run, more often than not, were the ones not appreciating me in the first place.
Point Four: Consistency
Many friends express to me their confusion in dating: “He seemed to be crazy about me and now he rarely replies to my texts. But he just invited me to a spontaneous romantic dinner?” And the cycle starts all over again. Without a reasonable explanation.
I have definitely dated the confusing inconsistent type. My opinion: It can be exciting, but it’s not worth it.
I want someone who’s affectionate with me today, to be affectionate with me tomorrow.
Of course, you are not able to change how affectionate someone is with you. Unfortunately, we often try to anyway. A lot of us will chase after someone, who originally couldn’t get enough of us.
At some point, I decided If someone wasn’t consistent in their affection towards me, I will move on. It is just not what I truly want and it will only make me unhappy.
Side note: I’m referring to dating and the beginning of a relationship. When you are in a long-term relationship, from my experience it is normal that the amounts of affection can vary.
Point Five: Psychological Stability
This might be a personal one, but then, I know many people who fall into this same dating pattern, too.
I don’t know what it is. Whether they tend to be super creative, charismatic, or just mystical. But I often used to fall for men who weren’t psychologically stable.
Up to this day, one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made was leaving someone, that at the time, I still loved with all my heart. I tried to make it work, but due to his mental state, my needs just couldn’t be met.
I love investing into my own mental growth — figuring myself out and making my life the best it can be. Unfortunately, in this relationship, I ended up putting all my energy into the other person, with none left for myself.
I even went so far to accompany him to a therapy session, which then ended up being a couples counseling session (didn’t expect that one either).
But eventually, I decided to let him go. And although it was difficult, in the long run, it was also one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
Making your happiness dependent on someone else is never a good idea. But making it dependent on someone, who you know goes through depressive phases regularly, is just emotionally draining.
I believe, before getting into a relationship, a lot of people need to work on themselves first. But then, you can’t change other people’s behavior, you can only change how you react to it.
So I decided psychological stability is a must-have for my potential partner.
After putting this point down on my checklist, every time I found myself dating someone with (major) signs that they are mentally unstable, I would kindly leave.
Point Six: Sexual Attraction
For the longest time, I didn’t think I could have it all. Every time all the points mentioned above applied, I would just not feel sexually attracted to the guy.
That would either lead me to go back to the emotionally unavailable ones or to stick around, trying to make it work. Even though I felt no spark.
I thought something was wrong with me and I just had to learn to like “the good guy”. Three years later I can tell you it has never worked for me. What did work though, was not settling anymore.
This meant, I didn’t sleep with the emotionally unavailable guy, after feeling disappointed from my dating experience with “the good guy”. But I also didn’t stay with someone whom I didn’t feel attracted to, only because he was treating me well. This is just one example.
It is so easy to settle for someone who only checks a few of your boxes. You might think “Yes, box one, two, and three are super important to me, let’s give it a try!” But from my experience, when you’ve originally set a box four, five, and six, they are as important and shouldn’t be overlooked.
Every time I overlooked one of my boxes, that relationship didn’t end up fulfilling me in the long run.
Here it gets a bit spiritual for a moment. I truly believe by settling or bridging time with the “wrong people” you prevent the right ones to come through.
When I started sticking up for the six major qualities I wanted from a partner, he eventually came through. Checking every single box to this day.
Crafting Your Own List
Your personal requirements for a relationship, of course, can be different.
You might tend to date people who pick fights all the time. Or you choose partners that can’t ever see their faults. If these types of partners fit into your pattern, I’d recommend putting down something like Peacefulness or Self-reflection on your checklist.
Or if you appreciate polyamorous relationships you might want to take Exclusivity off the list.
Having this little checklist in your pocket helps you to hold your standard high. Every time you meet a suitor, you go through your personal checklist. It holds you accountable. If your core wants can not be ticked, you move on to the next.
Example situation: He or she asks you out for coffee randomly, but doesn’t ever seem to show much consistency in the long run. When you see the text, you can refer to your list:
Sexual Attraction, check.
Psychological Stability, check.
Emotional Availability, check.
Appreciation, kind of.
Consistency, nope.
Exclusivity, probably not.
This will leave you with tangible proof that this person is not giving you what you truly want. It gives you the opportunity to hold your self-worth high which will eventually lead you to the relationship you desire.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
 |
—
Photo credit: Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
