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Here is a summary of the transcript from YouTube, slightly edited with AI.
Adlerian Psychology
[Music] Trauma doesn’t exist.
I’m sorry. What? Your life. What did I pay that therapist for?
Your life is not the way it is because of what you’ve been through or any of your limitations, but because of the goals you’ve set for yourself.
Okay? You dislike yourself because disliking yourself is something you hold as a prized virtue. Where are you getting this from?
All problems are problems of interpersonal relationships.
I think Matt has joined a sect.
These are all claims made by Adlerian psychology.
The Courage to Be Disliked
After we talked about Adler on the last episode, and we were referencing the book The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, people got very interested and were like, “Tell me more about this Adlerian psychology.”
We had a few emails come in. We were talking about it in relation to being disliked, which was the topic of the last episode. But we also wanted to do an episode where we delved a little deeper into some of the big claims made by Adler in his form of psychology.
For those of you who don’t know, Adler was one of the titans of psychology, alongside Freud and Jung. Adler is the one who is known the least and referenced the least of those three.
What’s interesting is that Adler’s version of psychology and his claims really form the basis of a lot of self-development. Dale Carnegie in How to Win Friends and Influence People, Stephen Covey in The 7 Habits—Adler was the inspiration for a lot of the rhetoric that came later in the self-development world.
I want to talk about it because some of it is quite different from a lot of the rhetoric out there right now.
Does Trauma Determine Your Life?
So, trauma doesn’t exist. What are your thoughts on this?
I’m really curious to know where this is going because I just don’t agree.
From a listener’s perspective, if I think of attachment theory—which is very popular—it seems to be based on trauma or unhealthy relationships with caregivers. It suggests that it makes a permanent imprint on you.
You had a distant parent and then you reenact that relationship in your adult relationships. You had a smothering parent and now something makes you anxious. Mainstream culture says yes, your trauma influences your relationships a lot.
The Freudian notion would be that our life is, in some ways, determined. Adler would see Freud’s perspective as more deterministic—you experience trauma and now your life unfolds as a result of that trauma.
Adler took a very different approach. His view was that your life is where it is today because of the goals you have, not because of the trauma you have experienced.
He didn’t deny that you may have gone through extraordinarily painful or difficult things. But he refuted the claim that those things are responsible for the way you are today.
I’m not necessarily saying I agree with this. I want to bring it to the table as a discussion. There is something to be gleaned from this way of thinking.
Could someone, by the end of this episode, say, “This has radically changed my mind on what I’m going to do next in my life?”
Cause and Effect vs. Goals
The book The Courage to Be Disliked is written as a conversation between a philosopher and a young person. The philosopher is an avid follower of Adler’s principles.
Very early on, the philosopher says trauma doesn’t exist. The youth responds, “What are you talking about? People clearly go through terrible things and it affects them.”
He gives the example of a friend who never leaves his room because of neglect and abuse growing up. The Freudian perspective—etiology, the study of cause and effect—would say trauma happened, and therefore he won’t leave his room.
The Adlerian perspective is teleology. He won’t leave his room because he has a goal of not facing the world. His goal is to avoid social interaction.
Adler would say he uses his trauma as justification for not facing the world.
The Blushing Example
There’s a story in the book of a young woman with a huge crush. Every time she gets near the guy, she blushes.
She says, “I would talk to him, but every time I get near him, I blush. If I could only stop blushing, I could finally talk to him.”
The Adlerian perspective says her goal is not to talk to the guy. If she talks to him and he’s not interested, it will destroy her.
So her real goal is to avoid talking to him, to preserve the fantasy and avoid rejection. Blushing becomes the tool that helps her achieve that goal.
The Novel That Never Gets Written
There’s another example of a young man who dreams of being a novelist but never finishes his work. He says he’s too busy with his job.
But is that the real reason? Or does he want to leave open the possibility that he could succeed if he tried?
He doesn’t want to expose his work to criticism. He doesn’t want to face rejection.
Adler would say he should submit the writing. If he gets rejected, so be it. He might grow, or discover something different. But by not submitting anything, he goes nowhere.
Your Personality as a Choice
Adler’s view goes even further. Your personality isn’t formed by trauma—it’s chosen to achieve your goals.
You probably think your current lifestyle is the most practical one. It may have inconveniences, but it’s familiar. Like driving an old car that rattles—you know how it works.
If you change your lifestyle, you can’t predict what will happen. Life becomes filled with anxiety. A more painful life might lie ahead.
So people choose the disappointment of not changing over the anxiety of changing.
The Pain You Know
This shows up in relationships too.
Someone complains about a partner for years. Everyone says, “Why don’t you leave?” But under this premise, complaining is serving them in some way.
It may not make them happy, but humans aren’t driven toward happiness—they’re driven toward comfort. They choose the pain they know over the pain they don’t.
Disliking Yourself as Protection
When people dislike themselves, Adler would say it serves them.
If they deeply want a relationship but fear rejection, they may reject themselves first. They take themselves out of the game.
Disliking themselves becomes protection.
The Tension Between Freud and Adler
I deeply believe in trauma. Recognition of trauma can be healing. Having language for what we’ve experienced can help us feel seen and validated.
But there is also something empowering about Adler’s perspective.
There’s a battle between two ideas: You are the way you are because of your trauma—or you are where you are because of your current goals.
If you want different results, change your goals.
I find that tension incredibly helpful.
Changing the Lens
Sometimes you realize that a chunk of your suffering has been a choice. You’ve gotten used to a way of thinking or chasing a goal that isn’t what you truly care about.
Reorienting—changing the lens—can radically shift how you feel day to day.
But self-understanding matters. You need to understand your anxieties and belief systems before you can bravely change your future.
You don’t have to choose a binary option. Both perspectives can be useful.
Love Life Line: When One Person Earns More
Ava, 32, a single mom, dated someone for two years. He earned more money, so they agreed he would cover most shared expenses and she would handle housework and cooking—even though she also worked full-time.
After discussing moving to a new place and even mentioning a baby, he abruptly ended things, saying he couldn’t financially support her and her daughter forever. She moved back in with her parents.
Now he wants to “keep the door open” as long as they inform each other if they start dating someone new.
The advice? Close the door.
He blindsided her. Resentment about money was likely there from the beginning. Keeping the door open only prolongs pain.
If resentment hasn’t been resolved, the relationship can’t be healthy.
Listener Feedback
Listeners shared thoughts on intimacy, career compromises, and avoidance in relationships.
Sometimes not moving for a partner is about career alignment. Sometimes it’s avoidance. The difference lies in patterns.
If every relationship ends for a different “reason,” it may signal avoidance. But genuine incompatibility is real, too.
Final Thoughts
The debate between trauma and goals isn’t about dismissing pain.
It’s about asking: What goal might be keeping me stuck right now?
Your trauma may be part of your story. But your goals today may be dictating your future.
If you want different results, perhaps start by changing the goal.
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
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