This Quick Guide Will Help Prevent Your Desire to Control Your Relationships

Have you ever been in a new dating dynamic or a relationship that is months deep and wondered where you stood in the other person’s mind?

It can cause you to stress, overthink, and ultimately doubt yourself.

There’s something else it can cause you to do: control the situation.

Isn’t it odd that we can spend time with someone, have various experiences, meet friends and family, and still question how someone feels about us?

You’re not alone if you have ever been in the situation we just outlined.

You should know where the dynamic is heading, and having questions this late in the game is unreasonable.

There is another component to that equation. There is a process you can put in place so you don’t end up in a situation where you desperately want control.

Another layer is that people don’t know they’re trying to control a dynamic. It builds the negative energy and tension in your relationship until it ultimately causes someone to leave.

You can avoid that if you recognize the signs that you’re trying to control the situation rather than knowing how to navigate the grey area.

Read between the lines.

There is something that we need to discuss and dive into immediately.

Accountability.

The problem is that we want something to be true. We decide to live in the illusion instead of searching for the truth.

You reach the point of exhaustion by the time you pursue the answers you should have discovered in the beginning.

Now, you’re frustrated with the other person, and you’re back in the cycle of the dead-end dynamic.

Sound Familiar?

You have to hold your fair share of the blame for this cycle.

Instead of setting boundaries and needs, you get wrapped up in the game of testing someone.

That test is when you don’t directly set the stage for a conversation about your dynamic, but you “take care of your half.”

You do things such as texting continuously to say you put in effort.

You hint at what you are looking for instead of directly saying it.

You throw out ideas instead of needs and dealbreakers.

I don’t list the items above to get you down on yourself.

Directly approaching someone with your feelings when you do not feel you are a priority can be overwhelming.

The alternative comes out in the form of an outburst. These ideas have been brewing in your mind and can cross the line of consuming your thoughts.

Now, you feel the only way to gain power is control.

It’s a recipe for disaster.

The approach

I know it can be hard to start a conversation with someone where you are expressing feelings and thoughts you’ve been harboring for a while.

You feel trapped and uncared for, so you look negatively upon your partner for making you feel that way.

It can’t always be the other person’s fault when there are ways to prevent this wall from building up.

Before that, it’s necessary to establish what communication looks like to you so the person has an action they can complete to meet your needs.

The first step is to lay out your needs, boundaries, and dealbreakers. When you establish guidelines, there is no room for “this is the first time I am hearing this.”

Establishing communication is more than saying, “We don’t talk enough.” You have to show your partner what effective communication looks like in action.

Lastly, stop questioning effort. You know when someone is not giving you the proper energy to develop a relationship.

When you are not receiving the attention you deserve, you try alternative methods to get information from your partner. Again, the tests.

It might feel harmless, but it is a manipulation tactic you’re subconsciously using to gain ground.

You can’t control your access to someone else’s thoughts, but you can lay a foundation for what you will and won’t accept.

Can you name your standard? When someone has crossed the line, they haven’t done “their half,” and you don’t have to try and control their actions.

That is how you break the wall.

Real control

Healthy control comes when you look inward and stop feeling dependent on external resources to find comfort.

That does not mean you should put all the pressure on yourself and alleviate your partner’s responsibility.

It means the cliche message of controlling what you can control. It is true.

Sure, you cannot force people to change, but you can make them change their actions to align with the standard you have laid out.

If they want to pursue a relationship they’ll put in the work.

Beyond that, why do you need to force someone to conform

…

Do you want to know something ironic?

The ultimate form of control is when you can release, let go, and walk away if necessary.

You don’t have to scratch and claw to get someone in alignment.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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