There are three dead giveaways that you truly haven’t forgiven someone.
This is someone who has hurt you, wronged you, or done something to cause conflict in your life.
It’s when a friend, family member, or partner betrays you by breaking trust.
It’s abuse either in a physical sense or emotional sense.
It’s when someone bullies you or is harsh with you or calls names when in the heat of an argument.
It is a constantly critical parent or spouse or when a colleague sabotages a project.
It’s a partner who has an affair or lies to you.
What is forgiveness?
Forgiveness is a process of letting things go, grieving, and choosing to move forward past the offense.
Forgiveness is a process and it isn’t a one time event.
Forgiveness is a process of accepting your circumstances when someone has wronged you and if you can’t change it or accept it, then change how you think about it.
Experiencing forgiveness is part of experiencing breakthroughs.
It’s not getting over it, it’s working through it constructively.
Forgiveness is saying ‘no’ to bitterness and anger and shame, and ‘yes’ to releasing that bondage that can keep you stuck.
Unaddressed hurt will turn into resentment and hate.
If we keep letting the past visit our present, we miss out on life’s blessings.
Why is the Church so bitter?
According to the scriptures, forgiveness is a central tenet of the Christian faith.
It’s a principle Jesus demonstrated and commanded his followers to practice wholeheartedly.
It’s the SOLE reason Jesus died on the cross.
Yet, despite this clear calling, Christians, most Christians I know struggle profoundly with forgiving others.
Most Christians I know are ensnared in cycles of bitterness, resentment, and gossip.
- They are angry with their parents.
- They are bitter at their spouses.
- They obviously hate their exes.
- They constantly fight with those who have differing political worldviews.
- They harbor deep contempt and refuse to heal through it.
And, in a day where we desperately need more love and forgiveness, those who should act as seed planters act as grim reapers instead.
Forgiveness, in the Christian perspective, isn’t a surface-level release but a deep, active process. Sadly, stumbling blocks hold many believers back because they’re entangled in a web of anger rather than true freedom.
Here are the three dead giveaways you haven’t forgiven.
The first?
You continually have fake arguments in your head with the person who hurt you.
If you’re in the shower or driving somewhere in a car ride and you’re having this fake argument about what you would say to them if you got the chance and how you’d “give them a piece of your mind”, then you have hate in your heart and haven’t forgiven them.
This shows you’re keeping a record of wrongs which the Bible tells you not to do.
And if you’ve got a record of wrongs, you’ve got unforgiveness – which means it’s time to get to the root of your anger and contempt. Because if you’re holding vengeance against them in your mind and heart, then you are stuck.
You cannot move forward with your life with this hatred in your heart.
The second?
You have have bitterness and resentment towards them and can’t wish them well.
Maybe this person who hurt you in your past just got a promotion, or had a baby, or is in a happy relationship and you literally cannot wish them well because you want their destruction over their well-being then you haven’t forgiven them.
If you’ve got something in your heart where you would LOVE to wish them well, but you can’t wish them well then you won’t be able to enjoy the blessings of life because this hatred is holding you back.
The third?
You gossip about them.
Instead of going directly to that person to work through the conflict, or perhaps it’s unwise to go directly to that person, you talk about them and your situation behind their back as you gossip about them.
This is the most destructive of the three types of unforgiveness.
Gossip keeps you stuck.
It’s habit-forming. It’s off-putting. It spikes cortisol levels in your body, and it spreads anger, frustration, and judgment.
Gossip serves as a way to indirectly “punish” the person who wronged us by damaging their reputation.
It’s penance and penance is not something Jesus preached. Penance is holding someone in shame and Jesus said there’s only one thing He despised: Shame.
Gossip may feel like a small comfort, as it gains sympathy and validation from others, yet it poisons the hearts of everyone involved.
Gossip tears down community bonds, destroys relationships, and makes forgiveness impossible to achieve.
Each of these behaviors – fake arguments, bitterness, and gossip – are toxic traps.
Instead of freedom through forgiveness, Christians experience captivity to their negative emotions.
Here’s what happens when we forgive
I once had a client who told me, “I don’t believe in forgiveness – I don’t forgive people.”
He also went on to say, “I have never cried – not even at my father’s funeral.”
He wasn’t a client for long. Shocker.
But, I did have compassion and empathy for him.
My heart broke for him when I heard him say that – I couldn’t imagine living in a self-imposed prison of perpetual hate and anger – and this guy was one VERY frustrated man.
When we forgive, it allows for an inward and outward transformation – You experience breakthroughs when you choose to forgive.
Breakthroughs happen in our lives when we forgive.
With forgiveness, we experience emotional freedom and other health benefits. Releasing anger, resentment, and bitterness reduces stress which can lead to chronic stress issues.
With forgiveness, we experience improved mental health as forgiveness reduces anxiety, depression, and symptoms of trauma.
With forgiveness, we experience transformation in our relationships and improved understanding and empathy.
If you want to lose relationship after relationship then choose bitterness and anger. But if you want to experience the freedom from bondage that is crucial for building trust and love in relationships, then start the process of forgiving.
Lastly, with forgiveness you experience inner peace and growth. You cannot live in alignment with who you’ve been designed to be as your authentic self when you’re stuck in unforgiveness.
When we forgive, we are able to live out our core values of love, kindness, and compassion.
And perhaps, the first person you need to forgive is yourself.
I believe in you. Go and win the day.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
