I learned from divorce and know what not to do next time.
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When a marriage ends in divorce, many feel as if they have failed. I felt like a failure when my husband and I first separated. I have now weathered the emotional storm that is the first six months post separation and I have come to see that my marriage was not a failure. I made mistakes and allowed behaviors to go unchecked, but I have an opportunity to learn and not repeat those patterns in my next relationship. While at this point in my divorce, it’s hard to imagine ever loving again, I suspect I will. Someday. And, even if I am single for the rest of my life, I have learned what I bring to a relationship than can create dysfunction. And I don’t want to do that again. I’d like to grow from this experience and model for my children a healthy dynamic, even as a single mother.
Many relationship experts believe that we attract mates who fill a void in us; that we come to relationships with childhood wounds, patterns of behavior and expectations, and we choose mates to fix or match that dynamic.
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There are many theories about how we choose a mate, how we attract a partner. One simplified cliché is that opposites attract, and it has some merit. But opposites how? It’s not so much that we attract people with opposite personalities, i.e., introverts choose extroverts; the tall are attracted to the short; or creatives love those with more logical mindsets–it’s deeper than that. Many relationship experts believe that we attract mates who fill a void in us; that we come to relationships with childhood wounds, patterns of behavior and expectations, and we choose mates to fix or match that dynamic.
One such expert, Harville Hendrix, bases his books and therapy model on the notion of Imago, the Latin word for “image.” Imago refers to an idealized, subconscious concept of familiar love that develops in childhood and continues into adulthood. The imago is based on early life interactions with parents or other significant adults. Due to a child’s individualized construct of love, he or she will develop specific behaviors or “survival patterns” (either by expressing or inhibiting personality traits) in order to obtain love and stay safe. In Getting The Love You Want: A Guide For Couples, one of Hendrix’s most well-known books, Imago posits that we chose partners who trigger our best and worst selves. The therapeutic goal is to look at childhood patterns, to dig deep, and to explore old wounds so that our partner can help heal our inner child, to give her the love she wants.
This theory supports the unfortunate truth that those who have been abused often marry abusive partners, or children of alcoholics are drawn to alcoholic mates or otherwise unreliable partners with whom they eventually play a caretaker, co-dependent or enabler role. Often, it’s not that blatant, nor does it have to be traumatic. We may have had a wonderful childhood, but our parents weren’t perfect. Maybe one parent traveled regularly for business and left the caretaking and nurturing to the other. We may, inadvertently, marry someone who parents from afar, even if present physically. On the other hand, we may have lived with a caretaker with low self-esteem. We absorbed those messages and may become a person who questions himself, wonders if he’s good enough, or seeks validation from others. It’s easy to get into a pattern with your partner that feels familiar, even if it doesn’t feel good or right. I did that. I brought my wounds hoping my partner would heal them. While I believed I was emotionally beyond that minefield, thirty years of familiarity came with me to my marriage. I ended up repeating patterns, and ultimately creating a dysfunction that was familiar but that did not make me happy. And, for my children, I want to learn from those mistakes.
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I’d like to be happy, emotionally healthy and most importantly, model positive behaviors for my children so that when they become adults, they can skip divorce.
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In my next relationship, there are three key things that I will not do, and am working on so that I’m emotionally equipped to break the pattern next time. I have lamented that I’m fifty; it’s too late. But I’ll be fifty whether I do the work or not. I’d like to be happy, emotionally healthy and most importantly, model positive behaviors for my children so that when they become adults, they can skip divorce.
Alone and lonely in a relationship is one of the hardest places to be.
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I will not expect my partner to meet all my emotional needs. While this is something I knew intellectually, I fell into an unhealthy pattern nonetheless. I expected and wanted certain emotional care-taking from my husband. And, he was not to be that person for me. I had expectations of how he’d understand every feeling and wound and absorb them, thus changing his behavior to take care of me. That was unrealistic. I had an emotionally unavailable father and was constantly reaching out to him only to be disappointed. As a child, I kept going back to a dry well. I had nowhere else to go. As an adult, I have choices. I had them in my marriage too. Eventually, I did seek emotional support from others, but I came to the marriage, and left, with that same deep wound of disappointment, ingrained from age five, and familiar, albeit painful. I have grown over the course of 17 years, and in the last three or four, was no longer asking for and being disappointed by a lack of emotional intimacy. And then I felt alone. Alone and lonely in a relationship is one of the hardest places to be. Our dysfunction was in place, the groove in the record so deep that we had nowhere to go but apart. I will start anew with myself, with friends and perhaps someday, another partner.
I will maintain balance with marriage, children and my work. I always was, and still am, a self-confident and accomplished person. I was me for years, working, writing a novel, strong, and then came kids, and an intertwining of patterns and years of letting things fester, and gradually I had lost my sense of self. When I had no balance between being a wife, mother and person, things broke down for me. I found myself wanting and needing validation from my partner. All the time. I watched my mother struggle with feelings of worthlessness. She was a single working mom and was always overwhelmed. While I was a stay at home mom, I was hard on myself and often lonely. My only respite was the gym, where I socialized and kept some sense of individuality. Yet, I didn’t have the energy nor the time to write, create, do what I had done in the past to feed my needs and passions, and I felt drained of strength.
I have slowly built back my self-confidence. In the last several years, I started working again, slowly doing contract work, and finally, rekindling my passion for writing, blogging, and connecting with a community of online writers and readers with whom I share ideas and stories. I have rebuilt my confidence. Because of my work and who I am. I like feedback from others, but I don’t need it. I love what I do now, have a community of support and co-workers across the world. And, my writing touches others, forms connections, helps people, and entertains. I am growing as a writer, taking on more responsibility and expanding my skill set. I’ve got my sea legs back. I’m still a mom, a single mom, but my boys are older and more self-sufficient, and I have time for myself, to find my path and balance.
I will not be complacent in my next relationship. We all fall into ruts. It’s a cliché and one which I swore would never happen to me. And it did, because I let it. We let it. Things were hard, yes, and that’s normal, but there was inertia. We’d reach impasses, dead ends where neither was happy or able to make the changes needed for, well, change, and rather than sit down and face it, I ignored it. I was aware, I just didn’t listen to that little voice in my head, and the tug in my heart that said something’s off. This is not what either of you deserve or want. You tried. Oh, how you tried. It’s easy to do that when you have children, a history, are settled in and are scared of the unknown. And yet, that complacency drains you of happiness, of opportunity, of growth. It is not something I will choose for myself ever again.
You can’t rush things nor can you slow them down. I have spent much energy trying to control life, and it will not be controlled. Life happens in its own time.
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I cannot deny I have had many moments of regret. Why did it take me 17 years to get here? Couldn’t I see I needed a change, that there was too much dysfunction to create function, and that we’d be better apart as single parents than as a couple? I don’t know the answers except that it happened when it happened. Life is like that. You can’t rush things nor can you slow them down. I have spent much energy trying to control life, and it will not be controlled. Life happens in its own time. When you are ready. Something is not working, life seems like shit, and then it doesn’t. There is light and growth and change and opportunity. And I’m ready.
Photo—Tela Chhe/Flickr
Thank you so much for this article.
I have seen so many woment just go buck wild or try to jump straight into another relationship. I think it’s so important for people to make sure they take the time to find themselves again and love themselves before trying to be in it with someone else. Love this post.
“Alone and lonely in a relationship is one of the hardest places to be.” – I couldn’t guess how many times I have said similar words to my wife expecting her to take an interest in our life, or me for that matter … to no avail. At 57 years of age, 2 wonderful grown children, and now a beautiful grandson who lives with us, there has been positives out of this 35 year marriage and occasionally, moments of intimacy; however, her emotional distance from me and my persistence insistence for change has taken it’s toll on us both. Reading… Read more »
Thank you, David. At the risk of using a hackneyed phrase, life is too short. I wish you happiness in whatever path you take. I know I thought I would perish the first few months. And now I see I will thrive. Above and beyond. It’s not easy. Not by a long shot, but I will thrive. Best wishes.
Taking time to reflect AND grieve after divorce is so important. Learning to be happy alone before heading into the next relationship is crucial. My pattern was always to go from relationship to relationship. It was only when I spent a good chunk of time out of a relationship that I figured out who I wanted to be with in a relationship and why, but also, who I wanted to be in the relationship. The one Hollywood line I wish never happened because it is ruining people is, ” You complete me”. Uggh. It perpetuates the fallacy we can’t be… Read more »
Jenny, Too many people go through this period so lost in self recriminations and guilt that they don’t learn the lessons that they are meant to learn. I went through two divorces before I began to look deeply at what I had contributed to the breakup, what I could learn, and how I wanted things to be different the next time. It helped get me on the right track and Carlin and I have now been together for 35 years. I hope more men read this. Too often guys leave this kind of introspection to women. They think its manly… Read more »
Thanks, Jed, your feedback means so much. I know you’ve been there, and do this for a living!
Beautiful post, Jenny. Item #1 really resonates with me. I’ve learned that the more we pursue our passions and prioritize self-care, the happier we are in relationships — and the more likely we are to attract a wonderful partner.
Yes, August. I’ve learned so much. And I have two incredible sons. So, I try to focus on that, and on my next chapter.
Wow, that was powerful to me. No kids in my case but 30 years of marriage ended with “I won’t be here when you get home” one day. Two years ago now.
Wow, Laura. Thank you for sharing. I know that sucker punched feeling.
Laura, I went through a similar experience after 20 years of marriage, 3 kids. It’s been 3 years for me, and I still grieve. You’re not alone, and I wish you the best in your recovery.
So much good advice! Sometimes it’s easier to see when you are on the outside looking in, or once you are away from the situation. I think you have given sage advice to many of us!
Thus made me a bit sad – as I went through the whole daddy issues – and I’m trying to ensure my daughter doesn’t go through the same thing. She’s such a sweet thing – but he intentionally dismisses her.
This was well written and thoughtful. Good luck in your quest – sometimes it is hard to break those patterns.
Thank you, Liv. I hope you can create a more compassionate space for your daughter. This made me sad too. It’s hard stuff. XOXO
Thank you, Margaret. It’s not always pretty but it won’t resolve itself. I’m determined to do it differently next time, or not at all.
This kind of introspection post-divorce is so helpful. As a therapist, one of the pieces of advice I give is for people to wait to date seriously – wait enough time where they figure this stuff out and can choose differently. It also happens to be perhaps the least followed advice I ever offer :). People are scared to be alone – or are just plain lonely – and this kind of courage is great to talk about and emulate. Thanks Jenny for sharing your own story.