Three Ways Men Can Get the Three Things They Want in Bed

For the men who loved “3 Things You Didn’t Know He Wants You to Do in Bed” — a woman’s take on how to get it.

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Maybe you’re a man. And maybe you were pleasantly surprised after reading “3 Things You Didn’t Know He Wants You to Do in Bed,” but since you’re a man reading a men’s publication you were left thinking, “I already know what I want! How do I get HER to know what I want?”

At the risk of becoming comically meta, here are Three Ways to Get the Three Things You Want in Bed.

#1 — Make her feel comfortable with the lights on.

Even the most confident, stridently sex positive, body accepting women are bombarded with articles and advertisements about how they are not “enough.” It’s both an overt and covert message thrown at us at the office, in advertising, in women’s publications, and from other women. Intentional or not, we come to expect it, and are most sensitive about it, coming from men.

You want to “admire every inch of [us] and admire [our] whole being.” We want that too! But the reality is that your enthusiasm and acceptance is countered with negative images nearly every other second of the day. I don’t mean to say that it’s your responsibility to undo umpteen years of unfair and unrealistic beauty standards, but whether you (or I) like or agree with it, that’s what’s keeping your lights off.

To turn them on, you have to express your absolute and unconditional appreciation for our bodies and sex appeal. Telling a woman she looks beautiful on a Friday night when she’s sucked into Spanx with a full face a makeup doesn’t help her feel any more attractive on Saturday afternoon when her hair is in a ponytail and her breasts no longer defy gravity. She needs to be reminded that she didn’t “trick” you with her lady costume; you know that there’re lines under her foundation and stretch marks under her jeans but you’re still into her.

Without bringing attention to her humanness, make sure she knows that you’re attracted to her actual body. Mention how great her backside looks in yoga pants or a fitted dress (And it does, but it also happens to show her very womanly cellulite). Tell her how great her legs look when she getting dressed, catch her in the moments that she’s not trying. Let her know that you see her for her and appreciate every inch.

#2 — Create an environment that fosters openness and honesty.

Women are conditioned their entire lives that men want “nice girls”. There are certain women you marry and certain women you sleep with. We hear the terms and tone men use when you talk about women who aren’t “nice” or the judgement in your voice when you tell us your buddy’s “crazy” wife and her “nympho” sexual appetite.

If you want to hear what we want, lose the judgement. Next time you’re watching television or talking about something another couple did, or something another woman did or enjoyed, pay attention to how you talk about it. Instead of saying, “I would never do that” or even “I wish you would do that,” try treating it for what it is – new and novel information. Just because you say, “The logistics of a threesome seem complicated” does not automatically mean that that’s something you want to do with your partner, but it might open the door to further discussion and a more open dialog.

#3 — Treat the experience as if your climax is only half the focus.

In our society, sex is intercourse centered. Most heterosexual couples don’t even call it “sex” unless there has been penetration. Counterintuitively, most women don’t get off from penetration.

Historically, men (and women) are in the habit of expecting a sexual encounter to last until his “completion.” To feed a second stereotype, once a man’s turned on it’s easier for him to tune out the rest of the world until he comes. We don’t. You wake up with a hard on. We wake up thinking about what we’re going to have for breakfast, if our bag is packed for work, if we remembered to pay the Internet bill.

In addition to competing with the lifelong influences that sex ends with the man’s release (the women’s being secondary, or optional) often you’re competing with influences outside of your bedroom. We want to be there with you, but we don’t always get there on the same linier path. Your penis keeps you in the moment, but we need you to play with our hair, rub our back, slowly rub your fingers down our bodies, to bring us, and keep us, in the moment. You help us get there, and we’ll help you get us over the top. Unfair as it is, you may need to help us override the message that the focus is on your climax.

Surprised? If you already knew this stuff, more power – and pleasure – to you. But if you didn’t, you’re in for a treat.

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Photo: Flickr/Dennis Brekke