Why It’s Time for Women to End the Phallusy

Here’s why it’s time for women to step up and teach us guys what they really want…

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See the author’s TEDx Talk on Creating Extraordinary Intimacy in a Shut Down World

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This morning I read an article penned by a woman who was telling it like it is regarding penis size and what women really want in the bedroom. In essence she said that most women really don’t care about size or how long their man can imitate a jackhammer gone wild. And how most men have a highly distorted view of intimacy thanks to porn, the pharmaceutical industry and our phallus-centric culture. While I applaud her efforts, the fact remains she is just one woman with a personal point of view which is easily dismissed by the masses. Though I whole-heartedly agree with her assessment and have taught the same for years, it will take much more for a cultural seismic shift to occur. It requires tipping-point numbers of women everywhere to take charge of what happens in the bedroom, ultimately for the benefit of all.

(Author’s Note: clearly there are women who very much prefer the biggest and longest-lasting penis they can find –however, there is a great deal of evidence that is not the preference for the majority of women.)

Female Led Relationships

Not too long ago my Partner and I were giving a talk about how to achieve extraordinary intimacy to a group of women in Atlanta. One of the attendees came up to us afterward smiling as she shared that what we covered was similar to a movement she was part of called “Female Led Relationships” (FLR). FLR is often connoted with BDSM where the female is in the dominate role. However, what she was referring to here is where the female is more of the intimate coach for the couple rather than always a dominate partner. And she went on to say that it was likely none of the other women really understood at a deep level that was essentially what we were conveying.

One of the foundations of achieving high-levels of intimacy that we teach is the importance of the female to coach her partner on what really works for her in the bedroom. That men are not mind readers and they will go about their business thinking what they are doing is driving their partner wild. When in fact, research has shown about 87% of women vocalize (i.e. moan) during intercourse primarily to: a) speed their partner up so it just gets over with, and b) to help their man feel good about themselves as a lover. Talk about a miss-match of beliefs vs. expectations.

Most women intuitively know how important it is for a man to feel he is their best lover ever. It is my personal experience and belief after years of doing this work that most men receive their greatest sense of sexual fulfillment when they know they have pleased their partner like no other regardless of how it is accomplished. This is hard-wired into our very DNA and can actually be leveraged by women everywhere to vastly improve the intimate experience for all.

However, it is not always so easy for women to have this all-important conversation with their man…

“OMG I just went back into the cave!”

A few years ago I was interviewed by a 30+ female radio host and relationship expert. During one of the breaks she shared how she just started a new relationship and had a genuine orgasm for the first time in about a year. As we went back on the air I decided to do something I’ve never done before in an interview –I reversed our roles and posed a question to my host. I asked: “What would happen if you shared with your new mate exactly how you wanted him to please you in the bedroom?” After a noticeable pause and a barely audible gasp she blurted out: “OMG, I just went back to the ‘cave’ and felt he would be hurt, angry and maybe even abandon me and the kids!” This was a purely visceral response on her part bubbling up from ancient genetic and cultural coding in a way that is particularly poignant considering she had no children.

The point is, not too long ago this could have been a real possibility with potentially life-threatening consequences for her and her brood. In this age of immerging gender equality these consequences are no longer a threat yet so many women are still ham-strung by these limiting beliefs and fears. Even women, like my relationship expert host, who should know better.

The answer to this hesitation of authentic intimacy is confidence and courage.

It’s Time to Take a Stand

Perhaps it is easier to just complain about how men can be such insensitive, selfish jerks who think with their penis than actually doing something about it. For any woman reading this you really do have total control over your intimate experience. You just have to step up to the plate and take that leadership role to empower your partner to fully express his masculinity in a way that serves you both.

Men’s egos tend to be especially fragile in terms of happenings in the bedroom. They have so much genetic and cultural pressure to “perform” that it can easily get in the way of what is really important. A deep, abiding connection of equals in a way that allows both to give and receive for maximum fulfillment.

Sexually speaking, women have a distinct advantage over men in that you have virtually no limit to your ability to express and experience sensuality with or without the benefit of a partner. To me this means you are the very fountainhead of sensual and sexual expression. And it is your partner’s job to “create a space” where this potential can fully blossom for the benefit of both. This requires you feeling safe, respected as an equal and fully heard as to what you desire. It also means that neither one of you feels the pressure to have you climax. In other words, making love in a state of full goalless Presence rather than focusing on performance.

For this to happen consistently however, requires three things:

1. Know Yourself – That you are completely at ease with and fully understand your own sexual nature. Even today so many women are not totally comfortable with their own sexuality. If this is the case find a good course or workshop to help you completely embrace your sensual womanhood.
2. Coach Authentically – That you have the courage to coach your partner as to what really works for you intimately speaking. Coaching means sharing what you want in a way that excites them with the possibilities rather than make them feel sexually inadequate.
3. Having a Partner Who is Coachable – any conscious man who truly loves and cares for you will be coachable if you approach the process as described above. If it turns out that your partner is not coachable, then either live with the very real possibility of a lifetime of limited sexual fulfillment or find a partner that is amenable. For what it is worth, it is much better to determine a partner’s coachability before you become intimate so that the passion of your first romp in the sake doesn’t cloud your judgement.

The only reason the phallusy of “bigger, harder, faster” exists is because not enough women have the courage to tell it like it is. I assure you, most men are willing to be coached and it is up to you to show them the way. And when you do, your mutual sense of sensual experience will reach new levels neither of you ever imagined possible.

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Image: DepositPhotos.com