Tips for Men To Cope in an Unhappy Marriage

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You’re unhappy in your marriage but you’ve decided to stay. The stress is starting to get add up. You don’t want to leave your kids but you’re tired of feeling ignored for all that do you. Waiting for the kids to go to college seems like an eternity. You don’t have to wait to create a more peaceful home. It starts with one person setting a different tone. Since you’re the one reading this, you have the opportunity to create a more positive environment for everyone.

It’s your choice to stay or go. It’s a very personal decision. Common reasons to stay in an unhappy marriage:

Staying for the kids (the most reported reason)
Worrying about the financial impact
Not wanting to end up alone
Experiencing the stigma of divorce
Not wanting to start over
Wanting to avoid the hassle

Once you make up your mind, you have more choices to make. Your first choice is to decide if you are willing to do what it takes to make things better. You can create an amicable home despite the relationship being strained.

Sometimes, the tools I’m about to share with you lead to reconciliation but if not, you can learn how to keep your home a safe haven for everyone.

*Note If you are in an abusive relationship, these suggestions will not be enough to keep you and your kids safe. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233. They have extensive resources to help you.

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The Value of Detachment

When a marriage is failing, detachment can be a lifesaver. Detachment is a process of letting someone else be who they are while protecting yourself from their consequences. Often this concept is associated with addiction, but it works whenever you need to create distance from certain behaviors that drive you nuts.

Detachment works well when there are issues of:

Addiction
Verbal abuse or continuous criticism
Annoying habits
Lingering problems that haven’t been resolved
Behaviors you try to control or change
Aggressive behavior

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Often, the relationship improves because when you detach, you argue less. You stop trying to get them to be different. It’s letting go of the expectation that your partner will change that provides relief. Acceptance opens the door to a different outcome and it starts with you.

Ways To Start Practicing Detachment

Treat your spouse like you would a dear friend
Stop trying to change or rescue them
Let go of the small stuff
Stop focusing on what you can’t change
Let them make their own choices
Take a breath instead of reacting defensively

Detachment provides that emotional pause between you and the unwanted behavior. It gives you a chance to walk away and focus on what you need instead of trying to fix it.

Being Light and Polite — Bring back the little pleasantries like please and thank you. Doing these behaviors encourages goodwill and sets a powerful tone for the entire family. The kids learn how to be respectful instead of retaliating.

Being polite takes effort but it keeps things civil. You can minimize arguments. The home environment becomes more relaxed. As you practice these changes, you realize that you have the power to end the war – or at least not participate in it.

The Benefits of Detachment

Arguments decrease because you’re not trying to change them
Not interfering provides some distance from the chaos
You stop expecting your spouse to meet all of your needs.
You get your energy back as you focus more on self-care

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Find Opportunities To Connect

Finding neutral ways to connect is challenging when the relationship isn’t working. Important family rituals go out the window. Make an effort to maintain some like having breakfast together, or checking in after work. The kids will appreciate the normalcy but only if you can be civil.

Neutral Ways to Connect In An Unhappy Marriage

Make an effort to enjoy your kids’ events
Have some meals together
Watch a movie as a family
Talk about safe, neutral topics
Offer to help your partner with something
Make an effort to initiate or respond to conversations

Neutrality may or may not lead to reconciliation. Either way, you can co-exist together by creating neutral ways to connect. You can choose to stay and be miserable or find a way to be pleasant. That’s the power of positivity. If not, at least you’re not living in a relationship war zone.

Using Validation to Repair and Reconnect

If you feel like an injured party you probably expect your partner to make the first move. Unfortunately, they may not know how to so one person needs to step up and do something different.

Being heard is critical in relationships. It makes us feel cared for. The next time your partner gets upset, listen for their emotion. It may or may not be expressed so you need to pay attention. It could be a look of sadness or a frustrated tone.

Next, validate their emotions but saying something like “I can see that you’re upset, that makes sense because of _____.” Then fill in the blank with what does make sense to you. You don’t have to agree with the emotion in order to validate it.

The key to validating someone’s feeling is naming it correctly. If you’re not sure, make a guess and ask if you got it right. This is a great way to decrease someone’s upset. Once they feel heard they calm down. Sometimes, it may spark some healing or new understanding.

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Get Your Own Life Going

Another part of coping with an unhappy marriage is redefining your own life. By focusing on the problem, the problem grows, instead, focus on the solution and you’ll notice anxiety and hopelessness decrease. You start to have hope again.

Typically men look to their partner for their emotional support and companionship. Unfortunately, this backfires when the relationship starts to tank. Instead of expecting your partner to fulfill your needs, find alternatives.

Finding other avenues of support decreases stress and unhealthy dependency. Men need support as much if not more than women do because they rarely ask fo it. Feeling more connected makes you feel less alone.

A Happier Self Heals You In An Unhappy Marriage

By taking these steps, you focus on changing the things you can. Stop fighting over what you cannot change. Get the support you need to cope better. Creating a peaceful home starts with you. Try validating your partner to create some healing. Ask for what you want without blame. In the long run, even if the marriage fails, creating a more amicable connection means that everyone wins.

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