Every week, I host a dating advice & support session on Zoom. It’s a space where my clients and newsletter recipients can meet to discuss what’s going on in their dating (or single by choice) lives. These virtual meetups provide respectful feedback and insight in a private setting. The main topic of discussion in last night’s meeting was how disappointing people’s dating app experiences have been. I wanted to share people’s more widespread concerns and tips they could implement to improve their experience.
Instagram and Tik Tok are becoming the new dating apps.
One member shared a story about a friend who created an Instagram profile and then paid to push his app out to his specified demographic as though it were an ad. Between romance scammers, old photos, and other time wasters, dating apps must improve authenticity. Thanks to the transparency video-based platforms provide, they are becoming a more popular way for people to meet. The other bonus to using specific social media platforms for dating purposes is built-in accountability. It’s hard to be anonymous when your siblings and co-workers all follow you and can be contacted with the swipe of a finger. Someone is more likely to think twice about being rude or thoughtless if they know you have access to people whose opinions of them matter.
Consider making a Tik Tok or Instagram profile you can curate to protect your privacy. Make sure it’s not searchable that isn’t searchable. You can also use this second account to link to your dating profiles. Connecting to any form of social media provides an added layer of verification. Also important to note: Profiles with a linked social media page are said to get more messages.
How to salvage a dying dating app conversation and when to bail.
As I mentioned in my Master Online Dating courses, it’s common for initial conversation after matching to become stale rather quickly. For various reasons, some people aren’t good at small talk. As tempting as it is to unmatch when the discussion is slow, practice a little empathy. Many people struggle with anxiety when talking to new people. Yes, even over the internet. I always advise singles to give their match one chance to recoup before cutting them off. If the person you’re chatting with seems disengaged, ask them a random ice-breaker-type question. This is where Table Topics comes in handy. That cocktail party game will give you all kinds of intriguing and appropriate questions to ask a stranger to ignite a conversation. If their response is lackluster or doesn’t match your energy level, that’s your sign to exit stage right and stop responding. You made an effort. You gave them a chance to save themselves. Your job is done.
Create dating profiles on two platforms and do an A/B test.
Utilizing different dating sites allows you to perform split tests. Split testing will enable users to present information about themselves in other formats. On a platform like OKCupid, singles can write a more robust About Me section and provide basic stats like preferred age range, diet, sexual orientation, and gender identity. The OKCupid platform also offers an array of prompts and questions to assist readers in providing a more-well presentation of themselves. To combat cognitive overload, install Bumble or Tinder. When our brain is presented with large amounts of information, it can affect our ability to process data correctly. The result is we either skim or (in the context of a dating profile) abandon whatever we’re reading. That’s where an app with a character limit comes in handy. Creating two different profiles lets users determine what information, fun facts, photos, etc., receive a better response. Many will complain that nobody reads profiles anymore. That’s not true. In my experience, people looking for a long-term relationship read your entire profile before swiping. They’ll want to know as much about their potential match as possible to gauge compatibility. The more relationship-focused people value their time.
Regularly updating your profile is critical.
Dating app algorithms are similar to those of a search engine. They favor engagement. The more often you refresh your page by adding new interests or using different keywords, the more visible your profile becomes to those searching for people like you. Updating your profile also flags it as new to certain apps’ algorithms. Spruce things up a bit if you’re seeing the same people repeatedly or noticing a decline in likes. Select a new prompt to feature. Add or change your topics and interest categories. Post photos that include items or locations important to you. Many apps use recognition software that identifies aspects of your photos to help get your profile in front of people with similar hobbies and preferences.
Mention what matters.
Vaccinations. Political affiliation. Abortion. If profiles give the option of selecting what human rights or other issues matter to you, by all means, check off every one of those boxes. You don’t want to end up messaging back and forth or meeting someone only to find out your core values don’t align. There’s no need to say, “If you voted for So-and-So, swipe left” or “If you don’t believe in a woman’s right to choose, we’re not a match.” All of that can usually be summed up in the lifestyle choices and preferences section. You’ll attract the people you’re trying to avoid by providing additional context in your bio. Like a bull in a stadium, they will see your disclaimers as red flags and charge at you. Dating apps are already a breeding ground for harassment. You don’t need more of it.
Please note what you do and do not wish to discuss with someone before meeting them. If they see it in your profile, they will take it as an invitation to inquire about it.
Set a boundary.
Draw a line in the sand if you want an idea of your match’s propensity for entitlement and anger. It doesn’t have to be anything serious. After exchanging a few messages, tell them you have to step out and will respond later that day when you get home. Someone frustrated with the process will usually snap back with something snarky. The point of expressing a boundary is to see how they react. If they push back, they’re probably insecure or the type to use guilt to get what they want. The best way to avoid dating burnout is to know what you’re dealing with as early as possible. The more we invest in someone, the more likely we are to stick things out to get what we want.
Valuing your time is the key to preserving your mental health throughout the dating process.
The next support group session is on Feb 16th for my exclusive Substack subscribers. To attend, subscribe at 20% off now.
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Christan Marashio is an internationally recognized trauma-informed certified dating coach. In addition to her certification, she has a Communications degree from Emerson College and 15 years of experience advising singles across the globe. She applies her trauma training to dating because dating these days is legitimately traumatic. Her insights have been featured in Glamor, Men’s Health, Today.com, and other media outlets. Her insights have been featured in Glamor, Men’s Health, Today.com, and other media outlets. Feel free to submit your question; she’ll answer it here, on Tik Tok, or her podcast.
Subscribe to her Substack newsletter and listen to her dating advice podcast.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Ahmed Zayan on Unsplash
