Dr. Stephen Petteruti believes that if sex is important to you, you have to make time for it. Here’s how.
The sad truth is we are so damn busy throughout our lives we just don’t have time for sex. By the time our life’s work is winding down and the time becomes available, we’re too damned old to care anymore.
I can’t tell you how many patients have said to me “I’m just too tired” by the end of my day to become sexually interested in their partner. After the bustle of daily living, the requirement of household chores and activities, meal preparation, perhaps dealing with business issues after dinner, studying or childcare, there’s just no more fuel left to stoke the fires of passion.
The only remedy to solving the time crunch is better planning. Or as it’s been said; things that are important we make time for, for everything else we make excuses.
Typically at this point in the conversation my patients object, “Shouldn’t making love be spontaneous”. Okay, maybe for that dude in the Cialis commercials with the winsome smile and bundles of idle time. For him in his retired glory, any moment can be the right moment. For the rest of us ground pounders, we have to somehow figure out a way to inject some passion and fun into our busy lives.
First off let’s abandon this notion that the best lovemaking is unplanned and spontaneous. Now I’m sure we’ve all had moments of unplanned glory that burn a deep memory in our brain. Enjoy them, they are rare, kind of like a $50 lobster at a fine restaurant, a pleasurable memory but not something you can live on.
Plan for it like you would any other critical event in your life. As an old jock, I like to think of it in athletic terms. I suppose that’s reasonable since it is a physical act that requires some degree of preparation.
THE PRESEASON PREPARATION
Do your best to be physically and mentally ready. Keep physically active to maintain your best level of fitness. Attend to your hormonal health if needed. For those of you over 40 this is more likely on your “To-Do” (see my prior articles on this subject).
MAKE SURE YOU STUDY THE PLAYBOOK
Look for cues to understand what turns your partner on. Some of that certainly can come by direct questioning, other times more indirect methods can be revealing. What kind of eroticism does your partner find appealing? Does he linger when looking at the whips and collars in the online catalog? Does she pause when girl on girl sex scenes occur? Some of your partner’s most invigorating desires may remain unspoken, but that doesn’t mean they are not being telegraphed.
Don’t be afraid to do your own research. Some good “how-to books” can be an asset to refine your skills come game time.
Remember, you play the way you practice. When you are practicing in the pleasure of your own company don’t be too quick to come to orgasm. With attention to your level of arousal you can control your orgasm almost as well as other bodily function. A premature ejaculation can be a buzz killer ending the fun just as it begins.
Circle a date on your calendar. Make it your sex day. One of the reasons why affairs are appealing to some is that the agenda is clear-cut and premeditated. There will be sex. There will be no chatter about bills, household chores, children, or other distractions from the task at hand. Plan to have an affair with your partner. Clear your schedule. Think of the location. Make sex the priority.
PICK THE LOCATION
Home field can be okay but think of transforming the environment. Do things to sex up the bedroom. Special candles, colored lights, use your imagination. One of my favorite suggestions is to tell couples to skip the dinner and rent a hotel room. Bring a bottle wine and some light food to eat. Instead of spending your money on the meal, spend it on the dessert! There’s no need to spend the night, just the best part of it together.
PUT ON YOUR GAME FACE
You’ve identified the date and the location. In the hours before “kickoff” be sure to get yourself ready. Do things to make yourself feel good about your body. Pick out clothes that enhance your sexual self-esteem. Part of turning on your partner is first turning on yourself. Now you’ve put yourself in a position for victory. Some responsible use of dis-inhibiting adult beverages can add to the magical atmosphere, just don’t go overboard! The line between relaxation and sleep is one not to be crossed.
Knowing you have a sex date on your calendar will help you make it through those sacrificial days and nights when you start to wonder “is this as good as it gets?” The truth is a better day awaits you if you plan to make it happen. If you just wait until time becomes available, days become weeks and then months as the relationship drifts into a monotonous abyss. Circle a date and get ready for kick off, you’ve got a game to play!
To your best health,
Dr. Stephen Petteruti
If you liked this post by Dr. Petteruti, you might enjoy Why Men Experience Post Orgasm Regret