To Chase and/or Avert Praise: A Neurodivergent Dilemma?

I’ve been thinking a lot about validation. In some ways, I’ve always sought it. When I was a kid, I clung to receiving school awards because I wasn’t getting social validation–I lacked friends, so I obsessed over what I could get for academic and extracurricular work.

But I’ve also been thinking about my aversion to validation, like not knowing how to interpret it, suspicious that I deserve it. And sometimes my skepticism is justified: people have used me in different respects and gotten their way through bountiful compliments.

I suspect this kind of relationship to validation is common among autistic and other neurodivergent folks. Maybe it’s a trauma response . . . and resultant trust issues.

But for me, what makes compliments meaningful is what people praise. I realized this years ago at a tutoring job where I read an article about person-based praise vs. process-based praise. The article argued that process-based praise–e.g., ”You’re doing a good job,” “Your work is developing well”–is more effective than person-based praise–e.g., “You’re very smart,” “You’re a good writer”–at motivating students and making them more resilient.

I admit, as a writing tutor, I’ve struggled with this concept: I’ve sometimes praised students and their abilities more than their work, but the idea strongly resonates. I’ve found that focusing on a student’s efforts–especially how they address an assignment–is critical in my approach to tutoring.

In my work, I’ve become better at receiving constructive criticism than compliments: it seems easier to internalize feedback when it’s something I can work on, rather than something I’m great at. Still, that’s progress because I used to bristle and lash out about constructive feedback.

Much of my best, most praised work is from being an embedded tutor in English classes. Embedded tutoring is like being a classroom assistant, reinforcing the teacher’s lessons and helping students with writing and reading assignments in the class. I love it, and it’s helped in my regular tutoring as well.

Every teacher I’ve worked with has said I’ve done a great job, as have many students, but I often pass it off with language like, “Oh, no problem! Happy to help.” Some of that may be unconscious people-pleasing, but part of me thinks that it’s no big deal to help students. That’s my job, after all.

In college, too, many years ago, I would brush off compliments and not realize how heartfelt they were. One time, a few students were telling me how much they appreciated my comments in a class–something I was not used to. I was blushing and laughing nervously, and our professor said, “He’s shy,” to which I responded, “I’m not shy in class!” He quickly said, “You’re shy about how good you are.”

That was the truth.

I wonder, though, how other neurodivergent folks respond to praise. I have trouble internalizing positive feedback, perhaps as a response to a (in some ways) difficult childhood. And I’ve noticed at least one other autistic person in my life who struggles with the exact same issue.

Another thing I’ve realized about constructive and/or negative feedback is that I can use it as a catalyst for significant work. My first paper in college got a mediocre grade–it should’ve gotten worse, but the teacher was being nice–and from then on, I worked exceptionally hard on my writing to improve.

Other times, I’ve been metaphorically paralyzed by bad grades so that it takes me a while to bounce back and put effort into accomplishing strong work.

But I’ve also found that focusing so much on improvement and addressing constructive feedback can be an asset: one of my best friends says that being hard on myself keeps me grounded when I’ve accomplished incredible things (e.g., my TEDx talk, awards, publications).

Today, I’m proud, though, because when I got to college, I made a deliberate effort not to treat people the way others had treated me growing up. In years since, I’ve sometimes done something on social media called “Compliment of the day” to spotlight friends and their good deeds and qualities.

For example, I might post something like, “Compliment of the day goes to [name], whose passion for helping others is inspiring! You rock!!” I think of that as process-based praise, even though it refers to a quality (passion for helping others), because it refers to work someone has done.

In any case, I’m not perfect with referring to processes instead of personal qualities.

But the issue persists: will I ever be able to take a compliment without passing it off? At this point, yes and no. I can internalize praise, but hearing it can still feel overwhelming.

I want to conclude by sharing an example of a meaningful process-based compliment I’ve received. Perhaps this will inspire others to express gratitude for those in their lives who deserve it.

“I couldn’t have gotten an A without you.”

A tutoring student I worked with on her final English 101 portfolio said those words. This is different from saying a person-based compliment like “You’re a great tutor”: I helped her achieve a goal and I provided useful feedback to get her where she wanted–and past where she thought she was capable of going. I assured her that she did the work and that I knew she would do that well, but that compliment touched my heart.

This week it was Tutor Appreciation Week at work. It also warmed my heart to see this note.