To Cheat or Not to Cheat

The Argument

Nobody wakes up one morning and flips a switch. There has never been a time in human history when an otherwise dedicated partner wakes up one fine morning and declares:
“Today, I become a lying, cheating scoundrel.”
At least, I hope there hasn’t been such a day.

More often than not, how it happens is a bit more subtle (more dangerous), beginning with little gaps. Then something or someone turns up and appears to remind them of a version of themselves that hasn’t been seen in years. This is the point where the question “To cheat or not to cheat” comes up… but if we are being brutally honest, by the time you are asking it, you are already halfway there.

“The more you defend a lie, the angrier you become.”
— Mitch Albom

On one side, the case is clean: cheating is betrayal. A cheater has violated trust and has broken their own internal code. They have crossed a line and are now someone who cuts corners because things are not the way they feel they should be.

On the other side, some relationships have been progressively broken long before anyone cheats, because needs go ignored. Intimacy has become but a memory, even though partners may politely pretend it is still alive. However, instead of confronting it directly, some partners “adapt.” They cope until coping isn’t enough, and cheating becomes almost like a form of expression for something that has been suffocating for years.

“This is the point where the question “To cheat or not to cheat” comes up… but if we are being brutally honest, by the time you are asking it, you are already halfway there.”

The Resolution

The real question isn’t whether to cheat or not to cheat. That question is actually just a distraction, and a cleaner question than the one you are avoiding, which is:
“Am I trying to save this or am I looking for a way out that doesn’t require me to man/woman up?

Cheating is just something that lives in the cracks. It is something that is not fully in, not fully out: just enough connection to stay, but also just enough distance to justify leaving. This is how you do yourself the most damage.

If there is something worth saving, then say it and fix it by fighting for it in the open, where it actually has a chance. If there isn’t, then leave it clean. That in-between life where you are half committed and half gone is where too many people lose themselves. And once that happens, it is not just the relationship that is broken.