To Connect or Not To Connect

Sometimes it can seem there is a paradox between commitment and freedom. Like the one cancels out the other. I used to have this belief buried deep down until I realized it might not be the case.

If we have a pattern of people-pleasing, we abandon ourselves in relationships. We let the other possess us so we can feel safe. This is a big problem for many reasons, but for the sake of this story, I am going to highlight one of them.

If we always let ourselves be engulfed, commitment will scare us.

We will turn avoidant as soon as someone wants to come close to us. Because coming close equals possession. It’s the pattern och playing dead that sets in, so to avoid it, it feels safer to run away.

All this started with our parents setting a bad example of what a relationship is. They gave us an example of what a dysfunctional relationship is, not a healthy one.

We all come to a point in our healing where we are ready to connect and commit to another person. I am talking about romantic relationships here, not friends and family.

So how do we fight against years of coping mechanisms?

Well, we don’t fight against it. We work with it. We thank it for keeping us safe all these years. From there, we can show ourselves new ways of connecting.

Some of us endured years of abuse growing up. We carry trauma in our minds and our bodies. Fighting the only mechanism we had for staying somewhat sane is just cruel.

Have patience.

We realize that being engulfed in a relationship happens because we allow it. It also happens because it’s the only way we learned to keep relationships. Deep in our core, we are all programmed to connect. We can’t run from that need no matter how much we try.

With all that said. When we date someone and start liking them. Our protective mechanisms come to the forefront. This happens naturally because it is how we always have functioned. We fear the consequences we might face for being ourselves. The real self with emotions, needs, wants.

We feel we lack the ground under our feet to keep us rooted in our essence. We fear that if we can’t keep up with the charade of being so accommodating, we will just lose out and feel shame. Shame for feeling like frauds. But also the heart-wrenching shame of the lack of boundaries and yet another loss of self. A self we fought so hard to find and maintain.

With the familiar feeling of defeat once again, we ask ourselves,

Do we connect or not connect?

With these negative experiences of connection, it’s easy to feel like giving up. But I say connect, always connect. But to someone that cares about us. Someone that includes us into their hearts.

A healthy connection always equals freedom.

I would like to propose the idea that the connections we had in the past were not genuine at all. What we experienced was disunion. It was a narcissistic and co-dependent approach to relationships. Both people living in two separate reality bubbles, feeling more alone than ever.

Genuine connection is something we need to work on. We need to have the intention of including one another. In this type of connection, freedom is inherent. Not excluded.

When we were babies, we needed a secure attachment from our parents to feel safe to explore the world. Without it, we became anxious babies, scared of having nowhere safe to run. So we stop exploring and feel anything but free. We still need that security as adults. If we never received it, we can rebuild it.

The bottom line is, it is natural to project our fears into relationships. If we grew up with narcissism in our lives, it is very common. Let’s not forget to be kind to ourselves in our healing. It’s not an easy task changing long-held beliefs and fears about relating to others.

We can be ourselves and explore because the connection is expansive, not contracting.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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