To Speak or Not to Speak

‘Speaking up’ hasn’t been easy for me. I hear it’s a common issue.

It could be because we are introverted and like one-on-one settings more. Or because we don’t feel safe to speak up in some environments.

Or as communications coach, Fazeena Haniff says, it’s because of our conditioning.

Whatever the reason, it’s essential to be heard to get things done and to create an impact. Whether we work in our own business or in a corporate setting. Agree?

I pursued engineering and business education in male-dominated environments in India. I found it difficult to present my point of view because of cultural and societal norms in the early stages of my career.

After a decade long experience, I am glad to be working on getting better and using all means to share my voice. So, here’s the part of me wanting to share my story and, most of all, my lessons, if it helps someone.

“Every word has a consequence, so does every silence.” — Jean Paul Sartre

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My story from early career

When I started working, I was 1 of 3 women managers in a manufacturing plant with over 1000 employees. Most men had little experience working alongside women.

When I used my voice in such environments, I realized my point of view was divergent from the group.

I stayed quiet, seeing the reaction other women received when they spoke to. Or took the group behaviour of staying quiet in meetings.

When I spoke, the reactions I received showed my views were far from acknowledged or understood. This reinforced my behaviour of staying quiet. I tried to find 1-on-1 situations to share my views or confront others.

I developed a pattern of fitting in and saying things which conformed to other’s views. Especially at the first instance, when I didn’t see my views land the way I intended for them to. I didn’t put on a fight to defend them.

We have a sound internal detector which informs us when others are being inauthentic, but it doesn’t work for us.

So, I didn’t realize for long how inauthentic I was being in those situations.

After all, we want to be authentic. No one likes the knots in their stomach or shallow breaths that come along when you feel you are not being yourself.

What gets in the way?

Despite our best intentions to create value and contribute, we hold ourselves back. The reasons I have heard are :

Lack of a supportive environment is one. People don’t have time to check-in with you. You’re on your own and need to learn to navigate whatever the environment brings in. It can seem daunting in big organizations.
The other I have identified over time is that we are not as self-aware as we think ourselves to be. This is the harder one to accept.

Later in my career, when I experienced more inclusive and less judgmental environments, I realized how important it was to feel safe to share my point of view.

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My Learning

Having seen both sides of speaking up and not, I want to share some hard-learned lessons that are a constant reminder for me of not limiting myself. Some actions I take to speak up, no matter what the environment is.

I have lived and worked across 3 continents with large multi-national organizations. These tips have worked for me everywhere.

Have faith in yourself.

If you made it to the top institutions and top companies of the world, you have what you need to succeed there. If you’re a business owner, you have made a conscious choice to be courageous. See it as an opportunity.

Take small actions to come to terms with self-doubt daily

I have learned to treat my inner voice as a cautionary advisor, but don’t let it prevent you from taking action.

Accept yourself as you are

Try to do it without being too hard on yourself. No one around us is perfect, but keep working to learn and improve.

Learn to handle conflict

Most of us are conflict-averse. This doesn’t help when you try to speak up.

I like to remember the fine balance between being inauthentic and becoming a jerk to confront wrong behavior.

Speak up early

The longer you wait, the harder it gets. It’s true, whether it’s for a particular meeting or a full assignment.

Leave sooner than later

If you feel disrespected in an environment, and you feel the environment will not change, make a change soon. Don’t waste energy beyond a certain threshold.

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Conclusion

Remember, we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for. If you want to contribute solidly, then learn to test out your voice.

Your voice can take you places.

You’ve been told how you should use your voice. What words to use. How to say them. How to act when you say them. The identity you need to adopt to be listened to and to fit in.

Because you’ve been taught by family, culture, and society to abandon who you are, you’ve become disconnected from your voice and unable to communicate with confidence and authenticity. — Fazeena Haniff

Getting over this conditioning is a long drawn process.

It’s been a long road, but I value continuous learning. In the end, I hope to be satisfied I did my best in every situation.

“When we speak, we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak.” – Audre Lorde.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

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My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

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The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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