To the Guy Who Unmatched Me

Note: this is about a guy that I was talking to on Hinge when I downloaded it. It’s me basically venting my heart out. No, I’m not exaggerating. This comes from a place of vulnerability, and I’m pretty sure many can relate to it. I’ve grown much more since the time I wrote this, but it shows the more grounded side of me, that some men might scoff at, or remember the one that got away.

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There’s a wallowing pain inside me.

It ends up like a lump in my throat, knowing you’re out there and there wouldn’t be a chance.

I never knew my dream guy was real. I always thought it was a belief from the inside but had no idea how probable it was.

I saw you, and thought of you as someone different, hitting all the characteristics I’ve dreamt of.

You wrote what you wanted to find in someone, and it reminded me of someone like me.

I can’t get over your curly hair, your beautiful eyes, and the face of someone who didn’t seem like the ordinary. You weren’t afraid to approach someone of culture. I wanted a brown king that reflected parts of me. It’s ridiculous to feel like I lost something and you never thought of it the same.

Is it wrong to feel that pain inside of me, to not have a chance to sit next to you, to cry knowing maybe it’s just me?

Is it wrong to feel that you would have been interesting, and we could have had personalities enmesh the right way with each other?

Is it wrong to feel that from a pile of people, you went out of your way to write a thoughtful message to me? You could have matched with dozens of women who looked and dressed better, and yet you still thought I had a personality.

Why did you unmatch, when you had asked me out to coffee?

I would have accepted.

I feel insane for thinking about all of this, knowing it’s somewhat of a potential. However, I don’t come across people of my wavelength the same way either. If I come across a vibe, I know it has something unique in particular. Apps like Hinge never had someone interesting that I couldn’t stop thinking about.

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You hated apps for how it was a reflection of the Instagram culture today, and I still don’t know if you’re on them.

You said you would delete it, knowing how superficial it is.

I’m not sure where to find you, knowing I’m tired of the same culture.

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They say to never put someone on a pedestal,

but I had no idea I would come across you — — I had no idea that whatever I used to dream of actually existed.

You will still be the man of my fantasies, but deep down it hurts my soul knowing that what I had dreamt of, technically rejected me.

Should I reconsider what my dream guy is?

Would I ever find a brown guy that had the global reserve and flair to intellectually stimulate me — or was this a needle in a haystack?

I have no idea why this hurts me. I’m pretty sure many people would laugh at how childish this is. After being rejected for so long in life, deep down, my innermost insecurities have come up.

I wanted my persona to be accepted.

I hated coming across guys who routinely insulted me for being who I am. I had enough at one point, it was too painful to dissect. I knew I wasn’t wrong. It was their insecurities that turned into a painful understanding they never worked on themselves.

As I write with tears in my eyes, knowing that I saw the same rejection once more, the shrapnel that decides to tear apart the meaning of what a dream guy is for me. It’s just about finding a best friend with that romantic connection.

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Now that I’m off of apps and celibate for roughly 6 months, I have more peace.

Yet you come up in my mind sometimes, reminding me of why I wanted a romantic connection, to begin with.

I stopped having that desire for someone, seeking shelter from a life where I always felt alone. I thought about building that home inside me.

Since when has it been wrong to identify that you feel alone and misunderstood all your life?

I guess my deepest pain associated with this, is knowing that someone I had envisioned rejected me, so essentially it’s my heart stabbed all over again.

Will he ever find someone to intellectually stimulate him or be the peace to his solitude?

Is it just that inner child, running around everywhere to find shelter?

She was always considered too strong, too tough, too sharp, and articulate.

For once, I wish my articulate nature was sexy, desirable, and an asset to someone.

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We’re wired for the connection they say.

I was never taught how to guard my heart with the wrong guys. The world is so cruel, and I stumbled into the dating world running away from the pain and void inside of me.

You came as a wake-up call. To set and build a standard, just by a mere example.

I hope to find you or someone like you someday.

With the same curly hair, and beautiful eyes I can get lost in, the melanin, the broad shoulders, holding hands together at the Brooklyn pier.

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If you resonate with the pain of losing a guy you liked, feel free to buy me a coffee at the link below. Soothe my soul by contributing to my heartbreak fund.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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