I don’t usually like to write about the negative emotions of being single. There are many reasons for it. For starters, negativity is like a downer. It turns people off and if you are one of those singles who sees singleness as THE GREATEST THING EVER, you will not be able to relate.
Secondly, I don’t always feel negative about being single. In fact, I feel grateful. I feel grateful that I am not legally yoked to the wrong man. I feel grateful that I’m not in an intimate partner violence situation. I feel grateful when I read the many stories of partnered women complaining about their partners because thankfully I don’t have those problems.
My singleness has a lot of peace and quiet embedded within. I am not worrying whether someone loves me, is cheating on me, lying to me, or trying to gaslight me. My schedule is my own, my decisions are my own, my guide, my heart.
That said, negative emotions come up every so often. They don’t last long, but since I follow Rumi’s edict to welcome all of one’s emotions, I will “talk” about it today
Why am I feeling heavy today?
I. Well, because I am in the midst of planning a vacation and I am sick of planning a vacation yet again without a partner in tow- I used to use tour groups, but tour groups are no longer seeming worth the amount of money you pay for them. I would love to not have to worry about the logistics of solo female traveling. I had told myself I would never travel solo again, yet here we are. I am overdue for a vacation and I am not going to wait until my man appears-if he ever does- to travel. I wish I could have my beau plan the trip and all I do is give him my share of the money or just show up. I wish I had someone who could do all the thinking. I have to think a lot in my life and make a lot of decisions on my own. I just want a space where I could just take a break from that.
II. I am sick of having to be proactive about my social life. Some years back, a work colleague showed me her monthly calendar. She was/is married and had/has 2 kids. Every single day of that month-including weekends- was booked with an activity, either a school event, birthday event, or family obligation. She longed to have a day when she did not have to do anything. She longed to have my calendar, and the freedom to do what she wanted. I was the opposite. I longed to have her calendar. Her calendar was already planned for her. I love Meetup in the many ways I’ve described here but I have to be proactive about having a social life. Sometimes, I just want to hand the reins over to someone and follow their agenda. I also get tired of the necessary vetting you have to do of strangers. With family, you know -or at least hope- that your family members want the best for you and mean well. You don’t know that with a stranger you meet in the wild. It takes time to discover their true intentions.
III. I am sick of still being mired in this quest for love- How long will it last? I have friends whose babies are now in their teens. Why is it so hard? I am sick of either finding men who love me that I don’t love back or men that I love who don’t love me back. All I want is someone who loves me and whom I love back. All I want is mutual love, attraction and compatibility. Where the eff is my man? Dating apps continue to be draining to my soul. I am also sick of feeling powerless against my singleness. Nothing I do works. Sometimes I find solace in human design as I described here, but it does not answer all my questions. I am sick and tired of the games, the uncertainty, and the effort required by dating apps.
IV. I am sick of the inferiority complex I constantly have to battle because I live in a society that still values marrieds and thinks something has to be wrong with you to be single– Some of it is actually internal. There is an element of shame and embarrassment that I frequently have to contend with at still being single. I am also sick of the people who try to make you feel bad about being single including other single women who try to compete with you and/or boast about any small progress they’ve made at “catching” a man,
V. I am sick of questioning my purpose on this earth– I struggle with figuring out what I’m here for. It’s very easy for me to see that having a family gives you purpose. When you have a family, you know that you are supposed to take care of your kids. You know that you are supposed to raise them in a way that gives them the best start in life. As you work, you know that you are doing so to give your family a better life. When you are single and childless/child-free, beyond taking care of yourself, what’s the larger purpose? What’s the larger purpose of being on this earth?
Like I said, these emotions are heavy. Tomorrow, I will feel better and have a different perspective.
Today, these emotions get their say.
N.B. I know that there are different types of singles out there. I’ve written about it previously. This article is for those singles who long for a relationship. It won’t speak to those who don’t long for such. I also know that I am making some idealistic assumptions about people with families. I realize that families are not perfect and that in fact some families are the source of some of the greatest wounding. I am familiar with family estrangement myself. That said, I am not trying to appeal to everyone with this writing or even be a 100%. I just want to give voice to the pain I have today.
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Previously Published on Medium
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