Too Perfect to Be True: Lessons From My Toxic Story

Surely you’ve asked yourself a hundred times what you could have done differently. What you missed, and why you didn’t see the red flags back then.
So many times, I’ve returned in my mind to those first days, weeks, the first month or two, when my toxic story with this woman began.

All in dreams, head over heels, playful.

And then you read about personality disorders, toxic people, narcissism, and borderline personality disorders, and you start recognizing the patterns.

You learn that intensity doesn’t necessarily equal love. And that being completely “high” around someone isn’t necessarily a good thing — what you actually want is to feel peaceful.

Sure, butterflies are nice, but in the end, you want to feel peaceful. Safe.

Yes — look for patterns, not isolated incidents, but patterns.

And I really did notice that I felt something during that first weekend that I didn’t like, but I silenced it. Someone even dropped a hint, asking if I was sure this was it, but I believed this was something special and that we were truly something unique… in short… a lot was happening, both in the relationship and inside me.

In my experience of it all, outwardly and inwardly.

And now, as I read books, articles, and watch reels… I’ve arrived at the ultimate question.

With today’s knowledge and awareness, could I have interrupted that love-bombing phase back then? Despite that cocktail mix of dopamine and serotonin, could I have managed to see and stop the trap that was being set around me?

When you read so much about this, you almost lose the desire to ever enter a new relationship again. At times, it feels almost impossible to find a normal person.

But let’s face it — there are a lot of toxic people around us. People with unhealed trauma who are subconsciously looking for someone to process it with… but before that, they have some work to do and a few steps to take toward emotional maturity and self-understanding.

A partner can only give you as much as they have. You can’t expect them to heal your whole father or mother wound. Or anything else.

So where did my question lead me?

What would I do differently if I could turn back time 7 years, to those honeymoon weeks, months of love bombing, total attention, and me completely in love?

First. Two worlds.

Something that felt impossible for a long time — I would try to keep one small piece of awareness in my head: What if there’s something else behind this? What if, despite this strong, confident, and decisive woman, this isn’t it? In other words, to allow myself to step back from the whole picture for a moment and permit duality.

Second.

These signs feel the most important to me:

Intensity That Escalates Too Fast

• How long had we actually known each other? Was the relationship developing at a normal pace, or did it turn into deep declarations of her love within a few weeks? Did I know her mostly through Facebook posts, likes, and sweet captions, or did I actually have time to get to know her?
• Was her telling me she loved me so early on a sign of my good fortune in finding her — or just intense love bombing? Did we start talking about trips six months down the line and where we’d live way too soon?
  Hello! Too fast!

…

Being Put on a Pedestal — Perfection

• I remember feeling as though she had placed me on a pedestal. At the time, that sounded wonderful. Who doesn’t want to be admired? But was she really admiring me as a person, or was she admiring her internal image of an idealized man who would now do everything for her?
• Was I a trophy for her, reflecting her own self-worth?
  I do have great qualities, but I’m certainly not perfect.

…

An Impossible Standard and the Feeling of Pressure

• How did I feel in this relationship? Really, could I just be myself, or did I subconsciously have to play a role and conform to be enough for the relationship?
• Now I realize I had to maintain that perfection. You don’t have to do that in a healthy relationship. Once I stopped faithfully playing the role of the “perfect prince,” the devaluation phase began.

…

The Dopamine Loop and the Perfect Woman from the first day

• Did I hold tightly onto the image of this woman from the beginning of the relationship? When everything was great and wonderful? Did I keep returning to that image, that good and desired energy in my mind, searching for it again?
• Yes, many times, countlessly. And that is the essence of the loop — I was striving for an illusion that was orchestrated precisely to keep me in the relationship when things turned bad. And of course, they did.

Let’s put it simply:

Everything looked far too perfect. In a healthy relationship, there is initial caution, getting to know one another, and gradually building trust. That’s how I operated too. Step by step… testing the waters…

With a narcissist, however, it’s a sudden “fateful love” explosion that has no roots in reality, but rather in a need for control and mirroring their own self-importance through you. It’s an immediate rush, with no time to wait half a year to get to know each other.

And here we are back at control. A word that is slowly making me feel sick, considering how far it is from who I am.

Always and everywhere, your stomach — your gut feeling — helps you sense the truth. Use it. Don’t ignore it.