Yes, there is a manly way to cry. Or at least a manly way to to explain why your face is wetter than usual.
Everyone cries sometimes, in their own way. Maybe you do the “Man Cry” as described in Urban Dictionary…
To feel the need to cry, however being a man you only let one tear fall down your cheek.
…or maybe you bust free of all those oppressive stereotypes and let the boo-hoo-hoos fly.
Either way, we’re here to salute you, crying men, with a list of some of our favorite excuses for crying:
1. Is Somebody Chopping Onions in Here?
Probably the most famous euphemism for crying, the onion-chopping defense is handy because we all know that if a man is chopping onions, you should avert your eyes from his tears, out of respect.
Mark Greene even created a handy onion-chopping chart!
2. It’s Raining On My Face
The facial precipitation defense originates with one of the most important musical testimonies to man-crying in history: Flight of the Conchords’ “I’m Not Crying”.
3. My Eyes Are Just a Little Sweaty Today
More greatness from Flight of the Conchords. This excuse comes in particularly handy if you’re listening to a sad episode of This American Life while working out at the gym.
4. What Is This Salty Discharge?
Sure, Jerry broke up with a girl every week on Seinfeld, but this one must have really mattered…
5. I’m Just Remembering the Ending of ‘Field of Dreams‘
Go ahead and substitute any of the acceptable man-cry movies here: Rudy, Brian’s Song, Rocky, or even Armageddon (though that’s up for debate). Just don’t mention Love, Actually. Remember, the man-box is very restrictive and mostly sports-based.
6. Damned Leaky Tear Duct!
Did you know that 99.8% of men are born with Leaky Tear Duct Syndrome? It’s a medical fact.
7. This? This is Just Testosterone Run-Off
For the extra-manly man, tears can be a source of excreting excess build-up of your manliest hormone. Because, you know… science.
8. Naw, Man, It’s Just My Allergies
Pass the Zyrtec, I hear Emotionitis is going around!
9. My Eyes Are Cleaning Themselves So I Can See The Truth
This is one of those intimidating responses that is best used during moving political speeches or upon realizing that your pet hamster probably didn’t actually go live on Uncle Heinrich’s sheep farm. Especially since you don’t have an Uncle Heinrich.
10. I’m Just Really, Really High
Sure, you can only legally use this one in Washington and Colorado, but it may come in handy next time someone shares one of those “soldier returning from war” videos in your Facebook timeline.
This excuse is made even more convincing if you keep a copy of Pineapple Express lying around.
Ira Glass, the weepmaster, photo: AP/Evan Agostini
Cpt. Cheeks photo: Kikimri