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In the last few years, there has been a growing movement among sex therapists and researchers to really understand men’s sexuality—not what it is “supposed to be,” but rather how it manifests, where its roots lie, and how to deal with the conflicts it presents, not only in therapy with men, but with couples too.
We’ve long recognized that women are pretty far ahead of men in terms of emotional access and vocabulary. Historically, we therapists have tried to help men catch up to women in this regard. This is important, but now we are beginning to ask how we can help women understand where their men are right now instead of waiting for them to catch up. So to help encourage this new emphasis, I have compiled a list of the top ten myths about men’s sexuality, and I’d like to offer some alternative views.
Let’s begin:
Myth 1. Men who have sex with other men are gay or bi.
Not necessarily. We now know that many men are attracted to gay sex … but not to men. This is bound to confuse a lot of people, but as therapists we know much more today about men’s sexual fluidity. I’ve written extensively about it in my book, Is My Husband Gay or Bi? A Guide for Women Concerned About Their Men, but simply put, some men have no desire whatsoever to be connected with gay culture, and sincerely consider themselves to not be gay or bisexual. However, they find themselves erotically moved by the idea, or sometimes the practice of, seeking out other men with whom to have sex. It’s not that unusual, and it deserves more exploration that I can offer here.
2. Bisexual men cheat.
Absolutely false. Bisexual men can commit equally as much as any straight man or woman out there. The myth is that bi men can’t make up their mind, and therefore are prone to cheating. This is like saying that a straight man who is sexually attracted to redheads and brunettes, but who decides to marry a brunette will slip out to have sex with a redhead whenever he can! In our culture, many people think that bisexuality is just a gateway to homosexuality, but it is not. It is a legitimate sexual orientation. It is true that some gay men think at first that they are bisexual, but I believe this is largely due to the cultural taboo against being gay. Further proof: Some bi men won’t admit their sexual orientation to women in whom they are interested, even though they would never cheat on them, because they fear that the woman would not be able to commit to them in relationship if they came clean about their fantasy life. Research bears this out.
3. Men are too focused on sex
Men and women have different ways of expressing their attachment to each other. In general, women express their attachment through relationship. Men do so through sex. Research reveals that we generally stop touching boys when they reach the age of 8, and we teach them to reject access to feelings, emotions and emotional vocabulary because these are deemed “too feminine.” So they end up mostly being able to express themselves through sex, violence, sports, or work. Therapists need to help men deconstruct what they are seeking in sex into emotional and attachment language, help them discover a nonsexual narrative about what they really want, such as closeness. He wants this but doesn’t know how to get his needs met in any other way besides sex.
4. Men who watch porn become obsessed with it and then prefer it over sex with their wives
David Ley has written a great, well researched, and humorous book about this, called Ethical Porn for Dicks: A Man’s Guide to Responsible Viewing Pleasure. He cites research clearly showing that it’s apples to oranges—men enjoy both porn and sex with their partners, and don’t replace one with the other. Period.
5. If a man wants anal sex it means he is gay or bisexual.
A lot of people think this. But a man’s anus doesn’t have a sexual orientation, it just knows it enjoys pleasure. Our culture has decided that receiving anal sex equates to being gay, but “gay” is more than just a behavior. It’s not about what you do sexually, it’s about who you love, an identity. This would be like saying that gay men who don’t like anal sex are really straight, but don’t know it yet, and their butt will have to tell them at some point. Can you imagine that conversation? “I have something to tell you … I’m straight.” Fritz Klein has written a seminal book on this subject: The Bisexual Option.
6. It’s pathological if a man wants a lot of sex.
Ridiculous. It’s no more pathological than when women want a lot of romance. Sex is his love language. Women are rarely pathologized for wanting romance. But that’s what we judge men. Instead of saying “She just doesn’t want it as much as you,” he gets “Something is wrong with you.”
7. Sex addiction is an official diagnosis.
No, it is not. I’ve had women come into my practice saying “I’d rather my husband be a sex addict than a pervert” (meaning he is having sexual fantasies that she or the therapist doesn’t agree with or understand). So the therapist will mislabel a client as a sex addict who comes in struggling with his fantasies out of a lack of understanding of what is healthy for him. “Sex Addiction” as a diagnosis does not exist in the DSM-5 because, in spite of claims to the contrary, there is no research to support its existence.
8. If a man can’t get or loses his erection it means he is not into his partner.
This is a really common misunderstanding among women. They take these things personally, and it is difficult to get some women to understand that, for the most part, it has nothing to do with her. He may have lost his erotic focus for numerous reasons—drinking too much; thinking too much about his work or finances; his age; health problems; or he may even have untreated sexual-abuse issues. The bigger deal the couple makes of his trouble, the more likely it’s going to remain a problem. The therapist’s job is to lessen the anxiety about this, and assess why he lost his ability to maintain an erection.
9. Men who have kinky fantasies will always want to act upon them.
Not true. They might want to, but that doesn’t mean it is mandatory for them or that they can’t control themselves. Women can be kinky too, though men tend to be kinkier because they’re allowed to explore their sexuality in ways that women haven’t been. Women may be more advanced around emotionality, but men more around sexuality. The guy might say I have kinky (non-normative) fantasies, and the wife and therapist misinterpret this as him being out of control, when in fact such fantasies are simply normal for him. The therapist’s job is to normalize and educate the couple, help them understand the very wide range that constitutes sexual health. Michael Bader has a good book on this: Male Sexuality: Why Women Don’t Understand It … and Men Don’t Either.
10. Watching porn can make men want to cheat on their spouses.
The truth is watching porn can prevent men from cheating on spouses, and even reduce violence in certain cultures and communities. Sex therapist Michael Aaron recently published an insightful article about this research on Psychology Today’s website. Many men who come to my practice report they watch porn because they have higher sex drive than their partner, and the porn satisfies them so they don’t have to pressure a partner. If they feel like they want to enact a sexual fantasy, just watching porn does the trick rather than seeking it out in the real world.
I am teaching more about male sexuality around the country and online classes. I want to challenge gender bias against men and stop the shaming. Helping men and women understand the landscape of male sexuality reduced the amount of conflict in their relationships in my experience as a therapist.
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This article was originally published on Psychology Today and is republished here with the author’s permission.
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“Myth 1. Men who have sex with other men are gay or bi Not necessarily. We now know that many men are attracted to gay sex … but not to men. This is bound to confuse a lot of people, but as therapists we know much more today about men’s sexual fluidity. I’ve written extensively about it in my book, Is My Husband Gay or Bi? A Guide for Women Concerned About Their Men, but simply put, some men have no desire whatsoever to be connected with gay culture, and sincerely consider themselves to not be gay or bisexual. However,… Read more »
Men have their sexuality pandered to in this society, mostly at the expense of women and children who are objectified to satisfy them. I don’t think anyone is “shaming” them
Then you’re clearly not paying attention, Kate.
This. Exactly. Even young girls are fetished for male sexually fantasy. If sexual material was truly about men and women being tru partners, sure..that’s great. It’s not. It’s about women being used to please men the grand majority of the time. When it’s not? It’s the very small amount of real lesbian porn or porn for women. But most porn for men, which is the majority, seems to suggest that most men do not enjoy humanizing women during sex.
I strongly disagree that because a man may have kinky fantasies, that he is more sexually progressive and advanced. I don’t coorelate kink to sexual advancement, maturity or even knowledge. I don’t even think that the fact that society encourages men to more rigorously express sexuality has equated to a healthy relationship with sex for men either. I also disagree with the points that addressed porn. Porn has seriously shaped sexuality and has upheld standards on women to perform sex for men instead of people true partners in sex with men. In most fantasy media, Men are the subjects that… Read more »
I absolutely love your comment You put into words what I hate about porn. That women perform sex for men instead of being equal part
Yes, standard/mainstream porn is extremely toxic, the American porn industry being the worst of all.
In fact, even gay porn is now being tainted with this type of sickness. The “bottom” is now usually treated and presented almost the same way women usually are (they aren’t AS mistreated yet).
That type of shit isn’t even labelled “violent porn” anymore, it’s just ~basic~ now.
Helpful article, thank you. I think one of the reasons I have taken #8 personally is because being desired by my partner is important to my sexuality as a woman. To feel that I’m attractive to my partner is a turn on so if the visual ‘evidence’ through maintaining an erection is lost or there is ED, then it’s hard for me not to take it personally. And sometimes it’s been accompanied by a withdrawal in affection or disinterest that perhaps might be about shame instead. It’s helpful to be reminded that there could be other forces at play.
I totally get that Rosy. It’s the same for a man when he’s in a sexless marriage. He feels loss of worth and attractiveness, and many times goes down the road of problems in the relationship, often times that’s what really led to the split. But it really wasn’t his, or in this case, your lack of real attractiveness, but your feeling of it that originally came from gosh knows where in your past. Maybe a TV commercial did you in on that when you were 12. Or maybe an article in teen magazine said that all men are randy… Read more »
@Mark Goblowsky – I think you’re right. But what are we to do if our men won’t talk to us about it?
Re the point about men suffering in sexless marriages – again I wonder how much of this is down to women just not understanding male sexuality. When I’ve pointed out to my female friends how unfair this is, and how men internalise this rejection, they are amazed, horrified and work to change things. As women, we need to understand better our men’s sexuality.
Well said. Cheers.
Great discussion as always from Joe Kort.
Men are cursed with , on average , far , far higher sex drives than women. The majority of marriages are wife refusal sexless. What men need is a way of removing the male sex drive , without adverse side effects and without removing the ” male drive ” to get things done , men would achieve even more without the pesky , often unwanted , libido. Most women would be happy with this too…no more ” perverted , disgusting , rapey ” men bothering them. As a single dad , so glad mine has greatly faded , pity young… Read more »
Antilibidinals (or drugs with those properties) not only exist but are available in the U.S. You just won’t see any ads for them, because the vast majority of consumers are more interested in raising a lowered libido towards parity. Psychological therapy leans that way too, at the moment.
While #1 might apply to unmarried men or men who are completely honest with their wives before the “I do’s”. Otherwise, a husband who sleeps with men is NOT straight. If he avoids sex with his wife but has no issues with sex with a man, he’s gay. Period. He is also a cheat.
That would be true if he doesn’t have sex with her and wasn’t open. As then he’d be a closeted gay. But what Jon was saying, is that just because you’re a straight male, and have fantasies of sex with another man, then that doesn’t mean your gay. You could be honest and propose a threescore, and maybe your wife would like that, and maybe open herself to her fantasies. Or, one could have the freedom to express their fantasies and be fulfilled together with their partner without an actual other human involved. So no cheating there. And even if… Read more »
I cannot wait for the day when politicians and celebrities can no longer blame “sex addiction” for the inability to keep it in their pants.
Not sure I understand number one, I do know that recent studies have demonstrated that bisexuality is almost innate with women, but not men so I think those may be outliers. Not sure. It is one thing that I’ve never really discussed with other guys, and there are so many theories bouncing around regarding this subject that it’s difficult to draw a conclusion. Likewise with number 5. None for me thanks. I know that my comments can be determining to be “macho”, or anti-gay, but I have no issues with men that are gay, and often support them. There are… Read more »
I suspect, DJ, that female bisexuality is encouraged if you will, by culture, and the freedom to emotionally connect, and express, which quite frankly men are shamed into not doing, by both men and women. So it’s no wonder you haven’t talked to other guys about it. That would be a veritable minefield that would have the possibility of creating a lot of interpersonal problems. But inside, I’d suspect many men would really like to have that freedom of expression and connection that women have. And if they were not shamed by it, perhaps many men would in fact be… Read more »
My mind when right to the nature v nurture thing also when reading about it also, Mark.
In retirement, in a long-term relationship that was always low on sex, my wife came out to herself and to me as a lesbian. So sex with myself is all that I get, as long as I stay faithful to her – and I do. So thank you for this effort to lift the burden of guilt.
I’m sorry brassy. I’m not comprehending your position. As long as you stay with here you can masturbate, but if you leave her you can’t fly solo? Or are you saying that continuing the life friendship is more important than leaving? If that’s the case, and if she is a lesbian, so finds heterosexual sex unattractive at all, I would hope she’s the one flying solo, all the time, as that would be very unfair to you. Best wishes.
Joe Kort
I don’t think most people as misinformed as you tell us here.
. How is that possible in 2016?
#3
You seem to contradict yourself here……..
Considering we get an article about once a month plus regular comments here telling us that men have a sense of entitlement to have sex with women I don’t think he is too far off the mark.
Danny
I am not sure what you mean.
Maybe you think of #6 on the list here.
Of all the articles I have read here on GMP I can only remember the title of one :
“Why are men so obsessed with sex”
I do not know what all men are like ,only the few I have had romantic relationship with, and the one I married.
of https://goodmenproject.com/gender-sexuality/why-men-are-so-obsessed-with-sex-jvinc/
Thank you. This article is very refreshing in a sea of man bashing. A man who likes sex is automatically seen as prone to and/or inevitabely going to cheat. The same applies for watching porn. The same people also claim porn makes men violent and prone to rape. None of this is true but the internet is awash with BS articles claiming they are. We as a society are trying to de-stigmatize women who like sex but rather than stop the stigmatizing game people are trying to shift the stigma on to men. Its just frustrating.
No one sees men who like sex as prone to cheating. Porn treats women horribly. Both the women in it, and the concepts men seem to want to be true about women and how men interact with women in porn through their fantasies. There is a scientific link between porn and more negative attitudes toward women and more accepting violence toward women, there is so much violence agaisnt women in porn it’s nuts. It’s nuts that even today, modern progressive men defend it. Yes, society is trying to de-stimgmstize women who like sex because women, even today, are called every… Read more »
Very nice….very true. would be nice if it were widely accepted by the public
Couldn’t agree with you more, trey. The level of misunderstanding, and downright ignorance out there is astounding. That causes much more problems than the reality of male sexuality ever could.
Ats what happens when men are discussed, but not part of the discussion.