Top Worst Breakup Advice You Should Never Listen To

After a breakup, the people we usually rely on the most are our friends.

Unfortunately, they are not always the best advice-givers.

Yes, they do want to help us from the bottom of their hearts which is wonderful — but there is a good reason why not all of them are meant to be professional relationship coaches.

Despite the good intentions, their tips are often wrong — psychologically seen- and even harmful to your progress of healing.

If you ever want to become a healthy person again and attract a healthy partner into your life, stop listening to the following pieces of advice.

“Have A Final Conversation”

After a breakup, we are often overwhelmed by the many questions in our heads:

“How could they do this to me, after all this time?”
“Did they ever love me?”
“Is it my fault?”

Your friends or family may then suggest to simply have a last talk with your ex to help understand the situation and eliminate uncertainties. They tell you that talking to them once again “will help you to let go.”

Before considering a last encounter please ask yourself: What do you sincerely expect from this conversation?

If you think you need answers from your ex to get closure, you are wrong.

I can guarantee you: no matter what answer they give to any question, it will not satisfy you.

On the contrary, it will only create more open questions and false images in your head.

The person who broke you cannot heal you. If you think that your exes words are necessary to get over them more quickly, you are walking in the complete opposite direction.

The only person who can give answers to your questions and help rebuild your life is you.

“Their ‘sorry’ is not necessary for your healing”

— Brendon Burchard

Remember: Closure comes from inside you. It doesn’t come from another person.

“Don’t Cry Over Them”

After a relationship has ended, everybody becomes emotional at some point.

If you have ever been sitting in front of your friend crying like a lunatic, chances are they will at some point have told you “Don’t shed a tear over them, they don’t deserve it.”

However, it’s not about what your ex deserves but it’s about what you deserve.

And you deserve to heal and to do so, you have to feel your feelings.

People advise us to suppress our emotions because 1) that’s what they have been told about their own feelings since they are little and 2) because they were never taught how to handle the grief of others.

Who hasn’t felt uncomfortable at least once in their lives when another person suddenly started to cry — even if it was your best friend?

However, griefing another person after the relationship has ended is not only favorable but it is absolutely essential for your healing.

Thus, don’t listen to the advice of hiding your feelings — let them come to the surface, and just accept them as they are. Know that this is a sign of progress, not weakness, and will help you to feel better in the long run.

“Every tear is washing away an old memory that hurts. This is how we let go.” — Tracy Malone

“Distract Yourself”

Some people tell us to “just distract ourselves” when pouring them our hearts out. They say “go out, get drunk, party, hook up with someone,”.

How do you think that getting drunk or sleeping with a random person helps you process the emotional trauma you have just experienced?

Indeed, you should not obsess thinking about your ex 24/7 and cancel all your plans for the next year.

At some point, you have to get up again and tell yourself “I am now done crying and will go back to my life.”

However, if you constantly distract yourself from the real pain of your breakup, a trigger will at some point occur in your life, and all the suppressed emotions will come up at once.

Don’t get fooled thinking pushing your issues aside is the solution. In fact, you are only pushing them deeper into your unconscious.

“If you aren’t dealing with the real feelings you have, distraction will not help you to truly heal.”

— Susie Collins, relationship coach

So only after you are done feeling your feelings, go out and do the things that you love.

Focus on what fulfills you, what you are passionate about, what keeps you productive — don’t run into the next addiction like alcohol or partying.

Choose to “work out the bad first to then fill up the void with something good” instead of walking on the path of sole distraction.

“Get A Rebound”

Just as your ex cannot fix you, another lover, Tinder date, or new partner cannot fix you.

Your friends may tell you to find someone new quickly because it’s what they did in the past. If you look at their lives now, can you confirm that this practice really helped them to heal on a deeper level?

Probably not, because running into the arms of another person means basically just running away from your problems.

“If you’re not ready, a new relationship can do more harm than good.” — Eileen Purdy, therapist

The most dangerous part about this piece of advice is that you are very likely to attract a person with similar qualities than your ex.

Is that really what you aim for in your next partner?

No matter if you were the one to break up or the person who was left, you have to look at your past relationship retrospectively and objectively.

You can ask yourself these reflective questions suggested by relationship expert Susan J. Elliott:

What did you like/dislike about your relationship? What were the positive/negative qualities of your Ex?
Think about all your past partners/lovers — did they have similar traits?
Make a list of the positive/negative qualities of your parents (or caregivers) — how many of your exes have the same qualities?

Realize the pattern of your last liaison and why you keep attracting certain types of people into your life.

If you rush into the next relationship without figuring out what went wrong in your last one, you will just repeat old habits and behaviors in any future ties — no matter if you are just looking for fun or something serious.

Final Words

Our friends and family are the ones we trust the most and we, therefore, believe that any advice they give must be accurate and only for our best.

If you ever want to heal — meaning, to become a healthy person and attracting another healthy person into your life — I can highly recommend you to stay away from any of the advice mentioned above.

After 3 failed serious relationships, I’ve tried all of them myself and now know that none of them helped me to heal my issues on a deeper level.

I only continued to attract the same kind of people and was hurt by the exact same behaviors over and over again — and so will you if you choose to listen to this advice instead of working through your pain.

Acknowledge your friends’ support but also know that sometimes it is better to consult a real expert instead of people who often have a history of failed relationships themselves.

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Previously published on medium

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