Toxic people hurt themselves more than they hurt you. Yes, they may manipulate you. But to do that, they allow themselves to be manipulated by the worst part of themselves.
They have to betray, manipulate, and lie to themselves before they can ever do that to you. And the impact of lying to oneself is more catastrophic than lying to others.
That being said, manipulation still hurts. That’s why you should learn how to avoid or deal with people who use it.
The hardest part about dealing with manipulation is recognizing it for what it is. Manipulators are successful when you do not realize that what they are doing is pulling your strings.
In this article, we will cover 2 very subtle tactics.
Based on my experience, not only do they work, but they are also hard to spot. Sometimes, even the person doing them is unaware they are using them.
As I always say, don’t use this article to judge people’s intentions. And don’t immediately vilify the people who use these tactics. People use manipulation either because they are evil or just hurt and hopeless. And there are more hurt people than evil.
If this is a person you care about:
Do not participate in these games. Confront them and, more importantly, stand your ground. They will deny, become defensive, and disagree with you. But stand your ground and show them how they can meet their needs without resorting to manipulation.
If it is someone you do not care about:
It is better to walk away.
First, let’s quickly answer an important question and then get into it.
Why does manipulation work?
Manipulation is a power game. It’s an attempt to shift the power dynamic in any given interaction/relationship. The logic is simple: whichever party has more power is in control.
So, every manipulation tactic has one purpose: to control you. How? By making you lose some (or all) of your power.
Secure people don’t view relationships as a battlefield. They don’t view them as a place to gain power over the other person.
Now, let’s quickly cover the 2 subtle manipulation tactics most people aren’t aware of.
#1 Temporary Ghosting.
This usually happens in romantic relationships because it’s more effective when there’s a deep emotional attachment.
The plan goes as follows. You do something that hurts them on an emotional level. However, they don’t have the capacity to honestly and effectively communicate that in a healthy way. Vulnerability terrifies them. And they choose to be in control as a substitute for being vulnerable.
Suddenly, they disappear. They don’t answer your calls and texts. Heck, they might even block your number and social media accounts. You can’t reach them anymore. And if you ever did, they would not communicate with you (just stonewall or ignore you).
You’re confused now. And hurt. Maybe feeling a little bit guilty. Your brain cannot process being treated like you don’t exist (or matter) all of a sudden.
This makes most people question themselves and their actions. And if they ever have something they’re deeply insecure about and, in general, have low self-worth, they will feel like it’s their fault this person stopped talking to them. But even if they’re not like this, they will generally consider that maybe they did something wrong.
This puts your brain on an open loop. Our brains don’t like open loops. The only way to close this one is to get this person to communicate with you.
Suddenly, you forget about the main issue you were arguing about with this person and focus, instead, on getting this person to talk to you in the first place. This is what will relieve your current pain.
Again, people respond differently to this behavior depending on many factors. Some are totally devastated by it and become obsessive and desperate. Others are annoyed by it but still believe this behavior says more about the other person than them.
Regardless, it’s a painful experience. Confusing at best and traumatizing at worst.
This pain is supposed to modify your behavior. To avoid it in the future, you need to stop acting in ways that “caused” it.
For instance, you get temporarily ghosted after an argument where you point out one of the other person’s flaws or try to hold them accountable. You get punished so that you don’t do it again.
Healthy, secure people do not punish their partners/friends/family when something upsets them. They communicate. They talk about it. They are honest and direct. They are brave enough to be vulnerable about how upset and hurt they are.
Those who use this control tactic aren’t brave enough at best and quite evil at worst.
#2 “You’re not like them.”
People behave in ways that align with how they view themselves. In other words, identity is more important than actions. We tend to behave in ways that preserve our identity.
If you don’t believe you’re the type of person who does something, you will resist it. And it’s easier for you to act in ways that align with how you view yourself.
Toxic people know how to use this against you — more precisely, to control your behavior.
They tell you that you’re not like all the people who hurt them in the past. You’re different. You’re not like their crazy ex or insecure friends. At first, you may feel flattered. But wait until you figure out that their friends and exes were not crazy.
Here’s what they will do. They will tell you a story about someone in their lives. They will portray themselves as oppressed or misunderstood by that person. How they tell the story will make you believe the other person is a bastard.
This is usually not true. In many cases, it’s just that this person was setting a boundary, standing for themselves, or voicing a concern. But because they don’t like that, they consider it hurtful and tell the story in a way that makes the other person sound like the bad guy/gal.
Then they will tell you that you’re not like them. They’re targeting your identity, not your behavior.
Whenever you do something they do not like, they will tell you that you are just like the person/people who hurt them in the past.
This challenges the identity they created for you. As a result, you will experience inner resistance regarding your behavior. You will want to change it to fit the identity of how you should treat them, which they successfully created.
“You’re just like my father!”
“You’re acting exactly like my ex, and that’s the reason I left him.”
“So you’re just gonna misunderstand me like everyone else.”
This can make you question your actions and, hopefully, change them. You will likely let them get away with what they shouldn’t get away with to keep being the person they made you believe you should be.
They are using your own mind against you. Your mind wants to be that kind of person who treats them right. And it will do everything to maintain this “hard-earned” identity.
It is a sneaky game, and most agreeable people fall for it.
Be clear about one thing: are the people in their lives trying to hurt them, or are they just setting a boundary or telling the truth? Don’t let them get away with what they shouldn’t get away with.
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I hope this was helpful
If you enjoyed reading this, Get free 12 practical tips on how to:
- Deal with toxic people,
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Also, check my books on Amazon.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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