I’ve personally experienced a twin flame activation and have worked as a licensed, doctoral-level psychologist and relationship expert for well over a decade. If you had told me about the concept of a twin flame while I was in graduate school, I would have said you were out of your mind. It wouldn’t be until a decade after a devastating breakup that I would realize not only had I met my twin flame but I experienced the wrath of a false twin or karmic soulmate and many karmic connections. The healing from the experience with the false twin will be detailed more in my forthcoming book, Toxic Insecurity, but I would not have been able to understand what had happened years ago without having a true twin flame activation and launching myself on a spiritual path well before meeting him.
Suffice it to say, what I have learned from my spiritual advisory board, is that a healer, psychic, mentor, or any twin flame “expert” cannot tell you whether the person you think is your twin is your twin. Not one spiritual advisor confirmed (nor denied) what I was trying to work out on my own (and I am highly selective about who I choose to work with). The journey of relational spirituality is the ultimate path of healing current and past life trauma — specifically in the relationships between men and women. It is for this reason that there has been an increase in people becoming aware of the concept of twin flames and the coming together of people who believe they are with their twins.
And, yes, it is as gut-wrenching a journey as some do describe. It is the ultimate trigger for the deepest level of healing and spiritual ascension one can experience. I do not believe that the Universe forces an introduction until it is the right time to do the deep work that is needed to give birth to a new you.
If You Had No Interest in Spirituality or Personal Development Before Meeting your Twin…
Then that person is a karmic relationship. Herein lies the problem with the concept of toxic relationships versus twin flames — we often put up with behavior that does not make sense to others if we get told that someone is a twin flame. It is not our fault.
Many of us, specifically women, have been spiritually activated over the years (and now in increasing numbers) to desire divine love. I believe that the soul purpose of this path is to heal the feminine through facing some of the toughest relationship dynamics in order to rise and heal our past life trauma. It would, therefore, not be unusual for a twin flame activation to happen after many karmic relationships and a false twin flame experience.
The karmic relationships are likely toxic but they serve to prepare and ready your soul for healing and later ascension with your true twin flame. It is a trick of our ego to think we have the power to avoid toxic relationships if we are on this path. These relationships often serve as a kick in the butt to take care of your spiritual life and, for some of us, will ultimately reveal that we do not need a romantic relationship to reach our spiritual goals for this lifetime.
Unfortunately, these relationships can be incredibly painful and can cross over into abuse. You can usually look back on your journey and see the relationships for what they are if you chose the spiritual path and your previous partner did not. This often happens when one person is supposed to be walking a spiritual path and has healing gifts but, by the nature of their karma and need for healing, end up in difficult relationships with people with narcissistic tendencies.
From a spiritual perspective, I hate to break the news, but your soul chose for this connection to happen but our cultural conditioning and lack of empowerment as women forces us to stay in these connections far longer than we are supposed to. It is here that we sacrifice self-love for “love” when the whole journey is supposed to be reversed. It is about you learning to be selfish (from a place of true love) not selfless.
So, if you have never had a super difficult relationship that catapulted your interest in growing spiritually, your new connection may not be a twin. It simply may be the desire of the ego to meet your “perfect” half. Just remember to ask your parents what they think it would be like if they had two of you — I’m sure they would say it would be a handful. Prepare yourself. Calling in your twin flame is not for someone unprepared.
What it Takes to Truly Heal Toxic Relationships
I am a psychologist and have worked as a therapist. I can tell you personally and professionally that healing from childhood trauma takes more than one timer per week talk therapy. It also takes longer than we believe it should. Healing trauma and past life trauma is not always done on your timeline — especially if you are walking a more relational journey. The lessons will keep coming for years and it is up to you to wake up to see them. Trauma healing is like peeling an onion.
The biggest reason why we keep getting into toxic relationships is that we are not learning our lessons. We tend to intellectualize them and put on a mask of masculine energy to say no (which is a great start) but the deep healing that needs to take place comes from surrendering and reclaiming our feminine energy that has had lifetimes of being silenced and abused. We fear it is not strong enough when, in fact, it is an energetic force far beyond our rational mind can truly comprehend. Healing is the process of remembering who you really are and shedding the negativity and traumatic energy caught in your body so you can be at peace.
True healing of trauma, especially sexual trauma, needs to move past just talk therapy. Talk therapy is a start and an experience of a different kind of relationship. Eventually, you will need to follow you intuition and determine what path you would like to follow with your healing. I personally cultivated a spiritual advisory board for my healing that included an energy healer, shaman, psychic, astrologer, acupuncturist, yoga/meditation mentors, a tango instructor, a singing coach, and access to a spa for other wellness activities.
The most profound trauma work I ever did was on the table of my energy healer and through the work of my shaman. I then used nature and solitude during times of integration from energy work. While I worked with therapists in the past before my spiritual journey began, I did not find that it was helpful to me. And the truth is, I experienced the death of two male therapists shortly after my devastating breakup and decided it was time to try something else!
Only you can decide what you need to heal and there are many, many options available but you have to be ready to do the work on yourself. The biggest mistake that is made on the relational spirituality journey is to think you have already done your work and are strong enough to help someone whom you believe to be your twin. It is not your job to do the work for them.
The Twin Flame is About Unconditional Love and Life Purpose
Unconditional love sounds like a fairytale, doesn’t it? We envision a Disney movie full of princes and princesses who love each other and don’t seem to care about the shadow aspects of our personalities. We expect it to stay this way forever.
Except that’s not unconditional love. Unconditional love is the ability to give love without expectation. It is the ability to support and love someone else even when you don’t get what you want from the connection. It is the ability to let someone go so they can become who they are meant to be. It is the other half of attachment science we don’t talk about. Attachment is not just about having our emotional needs met, it is becoming so emotionally secure that you can encourage someone to leave and explore the world.
Twin flames are meant to heal abandonment wounds by causing abandonment. It is not their job to hold you hand while you are healing your abandonment issues. Twin flames are meant to heal co-dependency issues by forcing you to do your spiritual work on your own. Twin flames are meant to heal your addiction issues by forcing you to find more balance in your life. Twin flames are meant to help you experience unconditional love when everyone else is telling you that the person is not your twin. Reunion will not happen until it is the right time and if you do your healing work just to get to reunion — you miss the point.
The path of relational spirituality has reawakened not so you can have your dream wedding. She is here to help humanity evolve our human consciousness to a place where we are free of the past and can create a more loving and harmonious world. In this context, your human desire to turn your twin into your spouse and parent to your future child misses the entire point of why you are here to begin with.
I strongly believe that those people who are truly meant to be with their twin in this lifetime have made conscious decisions to serve humanity in their divine love. If this is not a goal for you, then you likely haven’t met your twin. Twin flames serve together but that does not necessarily have to be done in a romantic relationship.
Moving Towards Divine Love
The path of relational spirituality is full of obstacles and tests of faith. It is meant to be a teacher that helps you to learn to honor and respect other people and to take a deep look into how your unconscious is running your life. The greatest love stories of all time often end in physical separation (before death). Divine love serves the world not just your ego. When you have moved along your spiritual path, this concept becomes clearer and so does your intuition about the spiritual connection with others in your life.
Trauma is the biggest cause of toxic relationships. Yet, the concept of relational spirituality gives us a structure to move down our healing journey and advance in our soul work. When we become obsessed with a possible twin flame connection, it is simply the process and the motivation the Universe has uniquely designed to encourage you to do your healing work. We do not need to feel ashamed or bad that we are in this place. Any “expert” who tells you otherwise is not acting with compassion.
Healing the mind is part of the journey and hopefully the Universe gave you an opportunity to practice doing so with someone you at least find physically attractive! Healing is hard work (but doesn’t have to be so serious) and the belief in divine love gives us the motivation to continue walking our paths. I am not a fan of judging other people and as a professional, I’ve worked with many people who believe they have also had a twin flame activation. What I believe has no bearing on their experiences — I only serve as a guide when the healing process gets you stuck and help remind you that your soul knows the way home.
And for those that think this is just woo-woo nonsense — I hear you. That was me 12 years ago. You never know what is coming in your future. Remain open to fully experience what your soul has planned for you in this lifetime.
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Previously Published on Medium
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