I hear a lot of bad stories about dating.
Like a story of a man who was stabbed to death by his girlfriend.
Or the Jonathan Majors situation…
What about the guy who got filmed cause he took the lady to the cheesecake factory?
Or the dude who got stood up and cried about it.
Remember the guy who went on a date, and the girl expected him to pay for all 18 of her friends?
Some men watch, hear, or listen to these stories, fold their arms, and profess.
- “This is why I stay single”
- “I value my peace, this shit ain’t worth it.”
- “Solo life: because my drama quota is filled by Netflix, not relationships.”
- “I choose quiet nights over chaotic ‘love’, sanity over heartache any day.”
- “committed to tranquility, not tantrums.”
- “Single by choice, because my happiness doesn’t play second fiddle to someone else’s script.”
You know what I say.
Weak.
Oooohhh, a really bad thing happened to a man when he was dating, so you’re quitting dating in its entirety cause you’re scared, it might happen to you. If a few bad dating stories scare you off, you’re in for a rude awakening, my friends. That’s like burning your house down because you found a spider in the bathroom.
WEAK.
You’re so cautious about dating that you’d probably wear a hazmat suit to a coffee date, just in case the conversation gets toxic.
“No matter what life throws at you, don’t become jaded or cynical. Love is worth the risk.”
― Wayne Gerard Trotman
Look, bad dates happen; there’s no way around it. That’s just how it is.
Sorry.
Psychologists call this Negative Bias. Where we pay more attention to bad news; this is why a single bad date story can overshadow a hundred good ones. It’s like eating a whole pizza and remembering only the burnt slice.
Life’s a bitch, and then you die, right? Nothing in this life comes easy. Especially not a bonafide relationship cause it’s the best thing life has to offer. Family, friends, and loving relationships are what we live for. Life’s greatest gifts are wrapped in challenges; unwrap them with courage and commitment because to nurture love you’ve never felt, you must sow seeds you’ve never planted.
Instead, people just “bitch up” and say, “I quit.”
Weak.
Ever heard of Risk vs. Reward? From a social theory perspective, dating is a risk-reward scenario. Sociologist Erving Goffman’s theory of ‘The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life’ suggests that we perform roles in social interactions, including dating. While there are lots of risks, the potential rewards of companionship and love are very high. Avoiding dating because of fear is like never auditioning for a play because you might forget a line. These reasons simply are not good enough to miss out on one of the best life experiences out there.
What can you do if you have a run of bad luck?
But don’t worry, the chances of you going for 2 for 2 or 5 for 5 bad dates are highly unlikely. That’s just not how dating goes. Now, let’s say you are 10 for 10 with bad dates. This one might take some self-reflection. Apologies. It might not be an issue for the other person. Yes, it’s true. I think, to some degree, it’s a question of people clicking, but sometimes there are internal issues you might not be aware of. Ask your friend, a real friend! What do they think? If you’re 10 for 10 and upwards with terrible dating experiences. Ask your friends a few real questions:
Question 1: “Hey if you could pick one opportunity for me to personally improve, what would it be?”
Question 2: “What shitty things do I do That you think I should change?
Question 3: “Is there anything better I could be doing on my first dates?”
Question 4: “Dude I suck at first dates, you got any tips?”
Question 5: “Can you point out a habit of mine that might be off-putting on dates?”
Question 6: “What’s one thing you think I should work on to be a better partner?”
Question 7: “In your opinion, what’s my biggest dating faux pas?”
Question 8: “Hey, what’s one change you think could really improve my dating game?”
You get the main gist, right? It doesn’t have to be these questions verbatim, but the idea is that you’re humble enough to ask a trustworthy friend for some advice. Choose to learn from others rather than remain a prisoner of your own ego.
I’ll forewarn you; this is gonna hurt. Most people don’t have frank conversations with their friends like this. They just hang out with people who have their lips surgically attached to their ass.
But you’re different, right?
The most important thing is that you don’t let your run of bad luck hold you back from greatness! Being the best version of yourself and sweeping that superb and marvelous woman off her feet is within reach. I understand, I promise. It’s hard to put yourself out there on a first date, but it’s also kinda hard to put yourself out there with your friends. To form bonds you’ve never formed, you must share words you’ve never spoken.
Be vulnerable, open, transparent, and say.
“I need help”.
Be bold enough to change!
Start doing things differently if you want your dating life to change. You have to change; if you want things to be different, you have to do things differently. It really is that simple. To seize happiness you’ve never grasped, you must undertake challenges you’ve never faced.
The simple practice and theory of trying things out and doing things just a little differently is not only a great chance for you. But it is a great chance for your personal life. Look man, a different key opens each door; keep trying until you find the one that fits. Giving up because you failed a few times or others have failed is not GOOD ENOUGH. Heard someone else failed, so you quit? That’s like never trying to cook because you heard Gordon Ramsay yell at someone on TV.
C’MON MAN!
If you talk too much and your friends are kind enough to let you know, that can be applied to life, and it can change every interaction you have. Not just interactions with your date. If you’re always late and your family or close friends tell you that, but then all of a sudden you learn to be punctual. This affects your personal life first and then seeps into your dating life.
Basically, if you keep having shit dates, change it up and change your life! Because it won’t just be your changing things for dating’s sake. It will be you changing things for a better future!
But remember, metaphorically speaking, if you trip over a curb on a sidewalk, are you really not going to walk the sidewalk again? Hell no! If anyone told you this, you’d think they were certifiably insane. So why would you apply that same logic to dating? One bad date? Then you’re out there shaking your fists at the highest mountain top, swearing off the opposite sex. One failed date, and suddenly you’re a relationship hermit? That’s like becoming a lifelong astronaut because you don’t like the traffic on your street.
C’mon, you know it’s not that bad. Your time will come! You have to be incredibly patient and learn from your mistakes. Create your own moral dating code of conduct and stick to it. Just gotta put yourself in the dating sphere and stick with the process. Forge your path with unbridled confidence, don’t tread in the deepest shadows of doubt; in dating, as in life, the brave find success, the fearful find shitty ass excuses.
Don’t be the latter.
When you go on a first date, of course, you must have your wits about you. But keep some of your expectations in a cage for the night and just roll with the punches.
I liked to go on any first date with the most open mind and not allow previous romantic atrocities to ruin my first date. Every pot finds its lid; approach each with a fresh eye.
Be present and just have a good time; I know it’s a thought you’ve heard many times. But let loose, extinguish those fears, and have at it. I have a good idea of what you might be thinking already or have done so in the past when it comes to first dates.
Are they really my type? Is she fickle? Does she care about what job I have, is she a player, does she “hate men”? All of those things are very valid questions, but I would just lay those to rest and find out for yourself. Enter every dating interaction in good faith, or else you’re only setting yourself up for failure.
Allowing what happened in the past to dictate possible outcomes of the future is terribly nonsensical. It almost renders you helpless to the possibility of a positive outcome and puts banana peels everywhere for you before you even turn up at the venue. Rusty and heavy chains of the past weigh us down, but the keys to the future lie in letting go and stepping forward with passionate resolve.
Imagine if a football player had one bad game. That same night, he retires, all because of a bad game. You’d nearly spit your Cheerios out.
“WTF is wrong with this loser? He knows what he signed up for”.
If you were about to box a pretty formidable opponent, would you put a blindfold on and let luck decide your fate!? Hell, no, you wouldn’t. So why, oh, why would you blind yourself to the possibilities of an amazing connection by only seeing the bad dates you’ve had to deal with in the past? On top of that, blinding yourself from the potential of meeting an incredible woman. Think about all the opportunities you and other people have missed out on based on inflated expectations and, most importantly, bad first date experiences that you’ve subtly allowed to alter your mindset. Therefore, it slowly ruins what could have been an otherwise great date!
STOP THE MADNESS!
The past is a lesson, not a goddamn life sentence; embrace the present with brute strength, not with the fears of yesterday.
There are some people who wear this burden on their shoulders and carry that baggage on every date. Some women bring more old flames to a new date than a candle shop, ready to light up past regrets at a moment’s notice, and you gotta sit there slowly nodding your head whilst simultaneously hoping you would fall off a short pier.
Please don’t be like that.
So what does this all mean?
Don’t force an experience for what you want; instead, embrace it for what you have right in front of you. Carry a deep-rooted and sincere value for human interaction with you to every date. Start every date with a clean paradigm; see them as they present themselves, approach each date not as a sculptor of ideals but as an explorer of realities, discovering the unique landscape of another woman’s wonderful soul. From every date’s story, draw a lesson; in each encounter, find a blessing. Take as many positives away from the first date as you can and make it a habit. You owe it to yourself and the time you spent learning and growing from any romantic dating interaction. Most importantly, learn and grow from bad dating interactions, too.
Gather the stones of every failed date to pave your path to success; each misstep a guidepost to your progress.
This is a WIN, WIN scenario.
But it doesn’t work if you sit at home jerking off every week and playing video games. Get out of your house and go on dates.
Your friend.
Trey Hamilton.
…
If you‘ve made it this far. I want to talk to you and ten other men about dating. This year, I will be holding monthly meetings with ten select men free of charge, no scam, no upsell, or corny sales pitch over a Zoom chat with just two more spaces left. If you’re interested, please send me a DM via my IG. Let’s do this!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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