How is the vulgar language Donald Trump used towards women different from the words written in the 50 Shades of Grey book series?
First off, as a Sex Educator, I have very mixed emotions about The 50 Shades of Grey Series of books. On one hand, this book has allowed men, women and couples to express sexual liberation in a way like no other. It opened a door for women to explore terms such as: consent, Dominance and pardon my language “kinky fuckery.” It allowed couples to see anal sex in a very different light. To learn or to at least become curious about what ben wa balls, and orgasmic balls are for. It allowed men the opportunity to talk to their partners about sex in a rather safe place without the use of modern pornography. (Which if you have seen what we have to work with as a “sexy shot” it is more degrading for women and men than helpful. Pornography sets an unrealistic bar for sexual pleasure making women and men appear to be hypersensitive and turned on leaving intimacy as non-existent.)
Lastly, in favor of this series, it allowed women the opportunity to sit down in a normal girlfriend chick chat environment to discuss sexual pleasure. This book could be left out on a coffee table and all around it would have a comment surrounding its contents.
On the other hand, I am a woman who actively participates in the Bondage Dominance Sadist Masochist (BDSM) lifestyle. I teach workshops about consent culture. I also teach couples how to introduce the conversation of adding BDSM products into their lives. I consider myself to be open, and without judgement—as long as the activities are legal and both parties provide consent.
As someone in this lifestyle, however, this book is a terrible misrepresentation of BDSM. It is obvious the author did not do any due diligence in researching this topic, as shown in the redundant language and scenes.
This book is responsible, in my personal and humble opinion for the 80% “fake Doms” you find on Fetlife (an online community for kinks). Everyone wants to be a Dom, to take charge. Yet, the 20% of actual hardcore Doms would not behave this way nor treat their Subs as such. In the larger 80% of Fetlife you will find most people throw around the idea of being a Dom without any real understand of its meaning.
Dominance is not just aggressively pushing your Sub into the wall and demanding they perform a sexual act. Dominance is taking an intelligent lead role both in the bedroom and in life. It is understanding how your Sub is able to reach climax, and what type of stimulation and motivation they need to achieve it. A true Dom understands at the very core, who their Sub is—their wants, desires, hopes, dreams and aspirations. They understand their Sub’s needs in the most intimate of ways, and provide for their Sub.
Outside of the bedroom, dominance is empowering your Sub to better themselves as a person—to support and encourage them to achieve more. The overall bottom line is to create an improvement in the Sub’s life. The Submissive’s role is to trust their Dom and understand at the end of the day they will be pushed to explore and achieve satisfaction in a way they may have never been able to before.
BDSM is beautiful exchange of energy and consenting power between two people, and it can be found in just about any relationship you currently hold.
After a long day of work what is the typical conversation like with your partner? (Don’t be afraid, Let us set up a Scene and ROLE PLAY together for a moment.)
Partner A: “Hey honey it’s been a long day. I am exhausted.”
Partner B: “I am sorry darling, what would you like for dinner?”
Partner A: ” I do not care, just feed me something”
Partner B: “Ok” …
BAM it just happened. Partner A gave consent to Partner B to feed them a comfort food when they were emotionally exhausted and incapable of a decision. Not every single scene is the same, not all partners are exhausted and incapable of making a decision. Yet, in this small relatable ritual most of us perform daily we see it’s not always about leather, lace and ball gags. It’s not always about pain either.
The bottom line in BDSM play is TRUST. You trust and GIVE CONSENT to play, to explore and to possibly find a sexual release with a different form of stimulation.
The words Donald Trump used were vulgar, because he used a form of emotional rape. These women were not in a role playing scene with this billionaire playboy. They were not in a play room; they did not give consent to be spoken to like this.
The situation would have been entirely different had he asked for CONSENT to play this way. None of the words he spoke would have been anything more than a consenting degradation scene.
Yet, He FAILED to ask for permission.
The requirements of a strong quality Dom, are to sit down and communicate with their Subs about the type of play, stimulation, room, scene, toys, verbal commands given, and expectations. LONG before they ever enter any room. The Subs always have the power and choice to say NO, NO MORE—This is my HARD LIMIT. None of this was ever present during his moments with these women. This is where the HARD LINE forms—This is where his words are a form of emotional rape. He abused his powerful position to assert un consenting Dominance over another person.
Donald Trump is not of the BDSM community and his comments were not made as part of play. He is no better than the Porn Star James Dean, who claimed to be a feminist, pro women, pro rights… Yet he failed to follow consent culture as well. He too, used his position for abuse, as a well-known Porn Star. He pushed and Dominated his costars without their permission. He took things too far and in the end he was punished for his bad choices—as he should have been. He was blacklisted from the industry, and his entire line of adult products was removed from retail shelves and production lines.
At what point do we as women—as people—stand up and say ENOUGH to our abusers?