Recently, I was talking with a friend and I asked for an overdue apology. I couched my request in the terms of friendship being a continual forgiving and apologies. I always apologise when I am wrong.
My friend said a lot to me, and hidden in his response was an apology of sorts, surrounded by phrases that gaslighted me.
I have been friends with him for almost thirty years. I could excuse his response by knowing that the southern English are a cold people in general. I am only British because my mother naturalised to be a British citizen, something she later revoked. My Dad is Ukrainian Jewish, his great-grandmother fled the pogroms to find safety in Britain. My Dad looks quite Slavic in some photos. I find it hard living in the south of England, but that’s where most of my friends are. I married an Irish man, I couldn’t find an English man, and missed my opportunities with American men.
Gaslighting is not just about trying to make someone doubt themselves. It turns trust into non-trust. It blames the person who has been wronged. It protects the speaker who has done the wrong.
Victim-blaming isn’t just about sexual matters, it comes too with an apology that is insincere, surrounded by words that blame.
“You always get upset”, “It was only a suggestion”, “Don’t lump me together with other people”, are examples of how people can gaslight us. Anything that qualifies the apology as unnecessary.
So what do we do? With my friend, I sent an email saying how precious the friendship is to me. I stated my sorrow that he had not apologised without placing blame elsewhere. Today I sent a WhatsApp message as per our habit as I cannot change other people. I will continue our friendship unconditionally because I care about the friendship.
Someone else who gaslighted me does not get the same favour from me. They have never met me, never seen me, we simply write remotely from our homes. We share a history because of our ethnic group. We started WhatsApp. They told me to get a cane, with a question mark at the end. I responded that canes get in my way and please not to advise me as they had never met me. They began to put blame on me; I was lumping them with others, I was judging them. I got told that was the end of messaging. It hurt me that I didn’t get a “sorry”. Professionally, I continue to be the same.
So how do we deal with broken trust? For my first friend, I value the friendship too much to walk away. I have said what I need to say and will continue to be his friend. I have learned to not ask for an apology no matter how outraged I feel at his assumptions about my life. The second person I continue to treat as though nothing ever happened. I am kind, professional and that is it. Nothing more.
Different people offer different friendship. I have had friends who did not deserve to be called a friend. They were friendly enough but faded away when I was assaulted or my sister got sick. So, I am nervous about how much I should invest in a friend who is new to me. I tend to invest time and effort, only to find none is returned.
I do have very long friendships. I nurture them. But I look out for signs of behaviour that tell me that sincerity is low. We all need to tread carefully with those people who come our way.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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