You’ve waited long enough to share your emotions. Spill it.
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Too many times, you’ve condemned yourself to stay quiet, to sit and listen to your partner all while boiling inside with the urge to spew your thoughts. The message to be strong and silent is probably one you’ve received since you were a young adult, maybe even a child. Effortlessly, it’s become intermingled with stereotypical reinforcements to suck it up, to be a man, to not show any emotions, and certainly never to cry. Men, you are not the only ones suffering the cliché, your SOs are at the mercy of such stilted compartmentalizing, too. A lot of us have become unnaturally conditioned to expect you to deliver the appropriate gesture, or non-gesture.
…you have committed to living out the particular role to which you most readily identify.
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Let’s break those early and archaic rules. It’s your turn, fellas. Let your partner know what’s on your mind. Your feelings, intuitions and needs are important. Your input is vital. It’s 2015, you’ve waited long enough. And I don’t really need to say this, but no matter if you’re gay, straight, whatever you happen to be, when you’re in a relationship, you have committed to living out the particular role to which you most readily identify.
In traditional couplings, women can be the transmitter of these clichés and often we do it without even knowing what we’re propagating, because we have also attached to a role, a place where we feel the most secure. Then we become destined to emulate it. For some women this might mean working outside the home while making sure every detail inside is attended to; for others it might be pitching in to help with mowing the lawn while our guy prepares the meal. We fall into reassuring roles best suited to our strengths and silently we carry out our responsibilities, usually without even thinking about it. This theory applies to our mental classifications as well, and it spills over into our communication styles.
Assigning this kind of identity can take place silently, yet we also bring it into our discussions, where we continue to foster what we think we should be saying and doing. Is there an instigator in the relationship who wants to resolve issues as soon as they start? Is there a responder who experiences anxiety or fear once fresh concerns crop up, who is compelled to iron the surface until it is smooth again? Whomever is playing whatever part, it might be time to mix it up and push yourselves to try an unfamiliar tactic. Switch places if you can, if you’re the talker, very consciously listen to your partner when they want to speak. Men, or women who have a hard time sharing their feelings might need help drawing out their emotions.
In case you’re not aware, a huge gap defines these two listening styles: listening to reply and listening to hear.
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Men might communicate differently than women, or one partner in any sort of relationship might struggle with being heard and taking the stage to voice their concerns. If you are the emotional Alpha, it’s your job to facilitate a supportive environment so your Beta will know they are important and that you took the time to listen, not merely to listen to reply. Don’t misinterpret, Betas are awesome, and they bring advantages to each discussion. We can definitely model their listening skills. Besides, there’s no one-upmanship allowed in fair arguing. Betas and Alphas are equal!
In case you’re not aware, a huge gap defines these two listening styles: listening to reply and listening to hear. When you can’t wait for your partner to finish speaking because you conjured up just the perfect response, or retort (if you’re furious), you’re not respecting your partner’s need to communicate. You’re mired in your own ideas in your own monotheistic head. If you’re concentrating with the intent to absorb what your partner is saying, as someone who’s been on the receiving end, it is appreciated. A sincere reverence to the emotional output of your mate cannot be overrated.
If you’re afraid you won’t get a turn to express yourself, discuss this with your SO and agree upon a way to ensure you both get a chance to speak. Then respect that agreement and keep mum until it’s your turn. If you really can’t figure out a way to divvy up the discussion, use a talking stick. Flip a coin if you must to decide who gets to go first! For convenient purposes, a talking stick can be a bottle of cleaner, the dog’s toy, a candlestick, etc. Humor directed at the type of talking stick snips the threads of tensions preceding conflict because you’re forced to laugh at your own ridiculousness. Absurdity, believe it or not, really does move along an argument.
Alright men, tell us what’s on your mind. Don’t hold anything back. We’re listening.
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Photo: iStock
My daughter, who was of above average intelligence, used to get twisted into knots over certain things when she was growing up. I would just sit with her until she felt comfortable enough to tell me what was really going on. It was never easy for her to spit it out because she was so headstrong and independent. After she finally told me what the real problem was, I loved and supported her. As she grew older and became a scientist, she kept all her feeling locked deep inside. She became a carbon copy of my X husband. He could… Read more »
Married many years to a man who struggled to express himself when he was upset or needed to shed a burden. He could not bring himself to open a conversation but I recognized the signs when he had some negative crap he wanted to get rid of. He hovered near me, giving off non-verbal distress signals and then we sat down for some gentle questioning and, initially, reluctant answers until we got into the meat of the issue and gradually his words flowed easier. Body language is also communication and as hard as it is for women, who tend to… Read more »
All of your comments are fueling another article. This is obviously a topic which needs more delving into. Take heart that you are important, and have a beautiful day.
I think it is very sad that those who have replied here have find themselves unable to open up to the women in their lives because when they have tried, they have been burned. Especially since good communication is key to every relationship. I spent five years in a relationship with someone who bottled up all his feelings and wouldn’t talk about things to the point where it felt like I could literally do anything and he wouldn’t bat an eyelid. That is no way to live. I always tried to encourage him to talk about things. He would just… Read more »
I agreed with Bobbt and Flying Kal. Most of the women I have dealt with are either not interested in resolving the problem or they go along with resolving the problem(s) for a few days or weeks and then go back to their old ways which meant they never have no intention of keeping their end of the bargain.
Sorry if this comes across as if we’re ‘beating you up’ Hillary. You seem like a good person and I’m sure you ‘walk the walk’ as to what you state. It’s just that articles such as yours assume that men haven’t tried opening up, and as Jules, Flying Kal, and myself have shown, that’s not true. We have tried and gotten ‘burned ‘ , several times! What’s missing is any responses from men saying something like “Yes, I’ve opened up to the women in my life and it worked out wonderfully!” Tells you something, doesn’t it?
Agreed. I’m also sorry,not for disagreeing, but maybe for seemingly building a wall. But being “burned” when you bring up an issue, like being derided or ridiculed, told to man up or simply not listened to, will tend to make you hesitant to do it again. But I guss it’s also caused by differences in communication styles. It is often said that men are “problem-solvers” (and also often critizised for that!) while women more often talk for that cause of talking/venting. I guess this will cause a problem if a man brings up an issue where he really needs a… Read more »
I am sorry this happened to you. Some women are heartless…as are some men.
“Some men are labeled unfairly when they try to express their feelings, but this doesn’t mean they should stop trying.”
Oh, they should stop trying alright.
They should stop trying making good in an abusive relationship. Because that is really all there is to it when you get dismissed or ridiculed for expressing your feelings.
Oh bobbt:
This makes me so sad. You have to at least accept the olive branch to progress an issue, to take the step of trust.
Been there, done that. To say it didn’t turn out well would be an understatement!
Are you content where you are? I shouldn’t ask, but this seems to have hit a note. Been there
Found the best way is to hire a payed professional (phycologist). I talk to him about what ever’s on my mind and it allows me to be stoic and silent for the rest of them at home. You see, most women (at least the ones in my case) don’t really want you to be ‘open’. They just say so because it sounds like the right thing to say.
What I really meant to say is that ‘opening up’ to many women means telling them how wonderful they are, praising every positive thing about them. Basically stating the four words that almost all women (at least the one’s I know) want to hear , “Yes dear, your right!”
Perhaps most men are not content where we are at the moment.
But, when we survey the alternatives, perhaps this is the best place to be given the circumstances.
Sometimes, the best option is to simply stand still and do nothing…..
“By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? – Matthew 7:16 Are we men really being offered an olive branch? Or is it a thorn bush? Women say they want men to be more emotionally available….but when it happens they run in the opposite direction. The man is labeled as “weak and needy.” He then loses ALL attractiveness. He is in effect derided and subjected to ridicule and scorn. The women then get on the phone and discuss all this with their girlfriends…….Women often say one thing but it really means… Read more »
Jules, I wouldn’t want to be subjected to that, then the question leads off into an area where we need to ask ourselves, “Should anyone treat us this way?” There are stylistic differences in the manner in which men and woman communicate, but at the base each person, regardless of gender, should show respect by listening and keeping confidences. A woman who cares knows she is not perfect and needs to work on things, whether it be listening, opening up, acceptance, etc. Some men are labeled unfairly when they try to express their feelings, but this doesn’t mean they should… Read more »
Still think my way’s better.
Thank you for witing this, Hilary. You write that we are who we are (mostly) becasue the way we ave been conditioned. And I believe you are right. But on that same note, do you really think the majority (women and men) are ready to be open and question their own conditioning? I’m with Bobbt and Jules on this one. Sadly, on more occasions than I care to remember, I have tried to “open up” about my feelings, only to be met with arguments and the cold shoulder. I agree with Bobbt. If you really really need to open up… Read more »
One thing I’ve found Kal is that people use all kinds of ‘surrogates’ to vent to. I may use a therapist, while someone else is telling his life story to a bartender. A while ago, we were doing a street paving job in what would be called a ‘Seedy’ part of town. Now in this part of town , there are ‘working girls’ on the street. One of the crew had several ‘dates’ with one particular one. When curiosity got the better of one of the other guys and he asked Princess (her ‘stage’ name) what was going on, she… Read more »
🙂 🙂
Thanks, Bobbt.
“Some men are labeled unfairly when they try to express their feelings, but this doesn’t mean they should stop trying.”
Hillary, why don’t we just admit what is plainly obvious: most women are totally uninterested in how men feel, period. Unless it is how said man feels about her.
I don’t know why this is the case. Maybe it is socialization…..whatever.. I really don’t know..
Why would you suggest that men continue to subject themselves to humiliation?
“Alright men, tell us what’s on your mind.Don’t hold anything back. We’re listening.”
Ha ,ha,ha that’s good! It reminds me of the comic strip ‘Peanuts’. You know, when Charlie Brown wants to kick the football and Lucy’s encouraging him, but when poor ol’ Charlie Brown runs up to kick it, well we’ve all seen how it goes.