Two Personality Traits That Ruin Relationships (According to Science)

Have you ever wondered what relationship dealbreakers people have? Not the obvious ones like cheating or lying, but the subtle ones that can slowly make you fall out of love with someone over time.

Let’s take a closer look at two personality traits that can make for unhappy relationships (and what to do about them if you find them affecting your own relationship).

Two Toxic Personality Traits That Kill Relationships

A recently published study found a correlation between two specific personality traits and relationship dissatisfaction. If you feel unhappy in your relationship (or your partner seems to be dissatisfied with you), these personality traits could be the culprit.

1. Manipulativeness

The study found that the personality trait associated with unhappy relationships was manipulativeness. Researchers found that both men and women reported less relationship satisfaction when they perceived their partner as charming but manipulative.

We all know that manipulativeness can make for toxic relationships. Any time there’s a power struggle or lack of trust in the relationship, it can lead to dissatisfaction.

But here’s what the study found that might shock you.

Manipulative people weren’t happy in their relationships, either.

People who rated themselves as more manipulative reported lower levels of relationship satisfaction. Apparently, playing mind games with your partner doesn’t lead to a happy dynamic for either person in the relationship.

Manipulativeness leads to a toxic relationship that doesn’t bring happiness to anyone.

2. Emotional Callousness

The second personality trait that researchers found was a relationship killer was emotional callousness.

A cold, unempathetic personality is more likely to lead to an unhappy relationship.

When people saw their partners as emotionally cold, unresponsive, and difficult to connect with, they experienced much lower levels of happiness in their relationships. And let’s be real: this makes so much sense.

We all need to feel like we’re in secure relationships with people who care. When our partners are distant, this can make us feel rejected and unseen. Our emotional needs aren’t met, we feel lonely, and it’s impossible to resolve conflicts. There’s no doubt that those feelings can lead to lower levels of relationship dissatisfaction over time.

A lack of empathy doesn’t just lead to a breakup. It can lead to a toxic relationship cycle over time, too.

What This Means For Your Relationship

If you notice that you or your partner have one or both of these toxic personality traits, it’s not impossible to work through them. Your relationship can still be saved, but it will take a lot of work from both of you.

If it’s your partner who demonstrates these personality traits, consider the following:

Set boundaries.
Let your partner know what you need to feel safe, connected, and satisfied in your relationship. Your partner can’t meet your knees if they don’t know.
Talk about any trust issues you may be experiencing.
Suggest going to couples therapy as soon as possible.

If you’re the one who’s struggling with these personality traits, consider the following:

Do some self-reflection to try to determine where these personality traits stemmed from (e.g., childhood trauma, past relationship trauma, self-defense mechanisms).
Have open, transparent conversations with your partner.
Consider seeking personal counseling, as well as couples counseling, as soon as possible.

It is possible to change these toxic patterns before they destroy your relationship, but it requires honesty, transparency, and some support from a mental health professional.

Awareness is the first step towards moving forward.

And remember that you don’t need to stay in a relationship with a partner who possesses these toxic personality traits. While change may be possible, you can move on and heal from any trauma that you’ve endured from this relationship.

Check out the study here.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.