“True love, it’s not something you have to work at.” — Previous Lover of Mine
Relationship breakdown when does it happen? How does it start? What are the road signs and how can we repair the damage before the door slams shut on our love?
Relationships take a massive amount of work and dedication to maintain. For anyone who is fearful of getting involved with a high maintenance personality I strongly suggest you re-evaluate relationships in general as all relationships are high maintenance. The main problem that we humans have today with our understanding, or should I say expectation of intimate relationships is that they should just be and remain. Once established the relationship should allow the parties involved to deal without worry with other life events such as work, children, friends, health, finances and even our down time or play time. Granted all of these life events are important but we tend to quickly forget and take for granted the primary calling of our heart: Our love relationship. We get trapped in the belief that we have time to make things work, to prove our love, to heal wounds and to get or give forgiveness. We have time to deepen our bonds and stoke the fires of passion. All the while forgetting that it is in this very moment that we choose to keep or lose what is most dear to us.
In my years now of working with couples and singles who have suffered relationship breakup and even when I look back at my past relationship(s) to witnessing what may seem like small events that are unavoidable in my current relationship I have come to be aware that D Day does not happen in a moment’s notice, it is long, slow and gradual to sneak up on lovers. It actually starts early on in a relationship and is masked by many different names: Work related stress, fear of vocalization, avoidance, raising a family, old programs and expectations, etc.
Often it is the man that is the most shocked at the loss of a relationship. Being so caught up in taking the lead on being the provider and protector of his lover and offspring he is blinded from reality and is calloused to the disconnect. Excuses form in his head and Mr. Fix it is always internally speaking out assuring that the plan that has been forged will save the day and show the love needed. Sadly, this is often not the case.
From the female viewpoint she may be feeling lost, abandoned, fearful, smothered from her duties as a woman and holding up the self-imposed as well as relationship and societal expectations put upon her. She from this viewpoint of the pain body sees her man not as Mr. Fix It but as Mr. Broken Promise. The more he slaves away trying to repair damage, save the day, and be her knight the more she sees a lost little boy who is trying to prove himself and has forgotten about her love and true needs. Over the course of years, she withdraws more and more into herself, perhaps hiding behind a masculine energy where she feels more secure and in control now because dancing in her feminine causes too much heart and soul pain, once soft and vulnerable to her mate she has now turned cold, distant and duty focused. Mr. Fix It finds himself years later wondering how this disconnect and lack of intimacy was bread and comforts himself with the reality check of normalcy and the excuse of life, not truly wanting to delve into the dark waters of truth that seven short years prior when he chose to innocently break her trust and she chose to not ignite her fire and test him out of fear of losing him was the actual breeding ground. In that moment from the past neither party were consciously aware of the long-term statement being made and tossing in of the towel that they were jointly making, years later after struggle, arguments and enough pain that they both have slowly shut the door on each other the only conclusion left is that love has died, and the relationship is too toxic to maintain. The question then seeps in “Did I ever really connect, love this person?” “Was our love ever more then surface?” “When did this all fall apart?”
Multiple things cause these occurrences. The main one is always the breaking of trust.
Trust is easily given on the front end of a relationship. It is a sacred gift that two people give and share in hopes of bliss and security. It is quick to pour in to create the foundation for the building of what is often a relationship based out of need and fear of being alone, forcing both parties to act quickly and commit. This is what I refer to as: Hiring quickly.
Women are often more guilty of this practice of hiring quickly than men. Men get the bad rap of being noncommittal, while women shortly after the first few dates are planning out the wedding party and invites. The result of pushing for a quick hire (no matter which side or if both parties are doing it) is that neither side has earned the trust needed to support a healthy relationship and thus, it is common place to discover a few years down the road that you have presumed that your love, devotion and time were equally met and wanted, when in fact you may have actually bought into a fictional character and are sleeping with a stranger of which you have no real bonds or interests with. The problem now is that you are invested, you are locked into a relationship, a picture and responsibility. You now find yourself in the long-term process of firing this person you hired so quickly. This firing process may take months and often takes years. Why? Because even though our reality check is before us, we still care, and we want to be wise about how to disengage. Or so we tell ourselves.
We humans are all a little masochistic at times and in our relationship breakups we show this off. We enjoy pain, suffering and the attention that comes with it. But that is another topic all on its own.
True trustworthiness and trust building is the most valuable aspect to any relationship. It is the one thing that keeps harvesting love through tough times, it allows lovers to be fierce in following a purpose and in opening to vulnerability. Without a dose of supported trust in a relationship the deep penetration of love and passion never materializes. Trust is also the most fragile of love components.
For a woman trust is broken when her lover does not acknowledge intimacy. When he makes light of her hormones (moods) and dismisses or hides from her fires. She loses faith in her man when he steps away from being her lover and uses a fatherly dominant energy of control with her, causing her to feel unheard and not important/valuable. Trust is broken when passion is squelched (no matter the logical reasons behind it), it is diminished when intimacy is booted by stress release. When boundaries are crossed. In any moment that the feminine feels misplaced, a piece of meat, property, misunderstood, like a naive little girl or threatened, when he walks away from her pain, tears, voice and needs (even if she commands him to go) trust takes a massive hit to the gut.
For men trust is broken when a woman fights for Alpha dog role, when she belittles him and questions his every motive. When she is overly motherly, dominant and superficial with her feelings. Every time a woman pulls away her love and softness from her lover his trust in the relationship, in the security of love and her heart is threatened. Her harshness shuns trust and forces disconnection.
For both man and woman, trust is damaged when expectation is placed on our lover or the relationship. If we have a painting in our head of how our partner should show up in the relationship at all times, how they should behave, or what the relationship should look like in any fashion we set ourselves up for failure. Another major trust killer is establishing false hopes. By this I mean promises. Often, we promise our lover that we will do or not do this or that. It can be the simplest of items, from I promise to get in shape and take better care of myself to setting goals repeatedly for financial rewards or promising a romantic trip or family vacation. False promises no matter how real they may appear to the one stating them can be pushed out to a degree but repeatedly stating and pushing out, making excuses for why they did not materialize will only add to the breakdown of trust.
For a woman to open to trust she must be willing to open to vulnerability.
For a man to open up to trust he must be willing to surrender to his woman’s vulnerability.
The great feminine craves a strong, dependable masculine who WILL NOT waiver from his love for her. Who is willing to jump through the flames of her pained heart and past and break her open to the orgasm of life? She craves his heartbeat to guide her, lead her and to have the passionate taker of her feminine reigns ignite her creative juices and dance through life’s roller coaster ride.
The great masculine longs for heartfelt support, he needs at his core to be brought out of the dark logical aspects of life that cause him tension and stress and to be opened to his woman’s bliss and surrender to him. He craves to be nourished in her bosom and replenished from her love’s nectar. He needs the safety of her openness and radiance in order to be the knight that she desires.
Steps to Prevention
- Hire slow, fire fast if need be.
- Limit expectations of lover, self and relationship
- Take responsibility for your own happiness first. Looking for another to fulfill your happiness is only going to lead you to a painful situation.
- Discuss boundaries and honor them at all costs.
- Discuss roles in family/relationship. What is each party comfortable with?
- Make time for love, sex, intimacy and fighting.
- Be willing and even hungry to stand in your partner’s fires.
- Lean into love when it is the hardest thing to do, and you want to run.
- Never accept a surface answer from your woman.
- Never chase your man, give space without question.
- Communicate. Communicate.
- Learn to accept that men and women are wired differently.
Remember that what you need and crave the most from your partner will show up as your greatest irritation as well: Women most of you want a leader, provider, and protector, strong in himself man, you do not truly want someone who can be whipped and dominated. You want a man that will stand there and take your heat, support your breaking down in hormonal imbalance and passionately take you into new realms of pleasure as well. You want someone who will be your best friend and make you laugh as well as a man who will sacrifice his very life to save yours. This can translate to: Why is he so focused on blah, blah, he is detached, being an asshole, being childish, making light of a heavy situation, over sexed, etc.
Men, most of you want a woman who is open with her radiance, she lights up the room and takes your breath away, she is nourishing, supportive, warm, and soft. She is creative and fluid. She hears you and gives you space, she challenges you but does not fight you on being the man, and she is passionate and surrenders to your leadership. She trusts you. This can translate to moodiness, crazy female shit, motherly, protective, short tempered, flaky or blonde, needy, high maintenance, driven.
Constantly reevaluate all the above. Never take anything for granted.
Silence or lack of input is not the sign of a healthy relationship.
If you ask your partner, how am I doing, how are we doing, what can I improve, or if you feel a disconnect and you ask your partner if there is anything you can do, get better at or what they feel needs work on in the relationship and the answer is: “It’s (you/me/we) are all good. There is nothing that needs improvement. I am happy, no complaints.” Then it’s time to call BULLSHIT!
There is ALWAYS a need for improvement, communication and vulnerability.
Otherwise kiss each other goodbye, because the door just slammed shut and it is 7 years later!
- This article was originally written in October of 2014 when I was in an open relationship of a little over 2-years with a man and we were living in a domestic union. I wrote this in the middle of the night because I wanted to log my foresight on my situation that was not gaining the attention from my partner that it needed. Four and half years later the relationship ended — for all the reasons listed here and more. This was the foundation though and it is my hope that you the reader can take heed to this message and lesson.
As Always Loving you from here.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
This post was previously published on medium.com.
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