The best sex is joyful sex, and once you’ve had it, there’s no going back. The Off Parent shows you how to get there.
Sex is often a mixed up dance between two people. But sex begins with yourself. And ultimately, your sexual joy begins with your own relationship to something inside you. Sex, and sexual dysfunction, is 90% in your head. So when sex is off, either between you and yourself, or you and others, there is some examination that might need to take place. (I’m no doctor, and my focus here is on psychological, not medical issues.)
I can count on one hand the joyful sex partners I’ve had in my life. Some were even joyful with a side of obsession, and that’s not really good, but the sex was amazing.
If you agree with the idea that sex between committed partners is a critical part of a healthy relationship, you can begin your quest: first, to find the joyful sexual partner within yourself; second, to find another joyfully aware sexual partner to explore core sexual satisfaction.
I don’t mean to sound like a tantric sex practitioner—I’m not. (And when someone does claim to be, as Sting did a while back, I want to run the other way.) And I don’t really profess to understanding all the nuances of sexual chemistry (one of the great mysteries of life). But, what I do claim is my commitment to understanding my own sexual partnership goals and using those guidelines to frame part of my “nothing but 100%” commitment to finding my next relationship.
Ten tenets of my joyful sex hypothesis.
- Much of what happens during sex is very personal (inside an individual’s mind)
- There is a physical joy that comes from finding a connected and aware partner
- Even the prospect of sex can awaken all kinds of wonderful chemical changes in the human body
- Casual sex can contain elements of joy and bliss, but true joyful sex, in my definition, requires two committed partners
- The discovery and unlocking of your partner’s sexual potential is a lifelong quest (otherwise monogamy would become boring and lead to infidelity)
- It is possible to get too interested and rapt in your partner’s sexual pleasure
- When you are in the “flow” of sex, you are experiencing a micro-Nirvana
- When sex deteriorates in a relationship, it is an indication of deeper communication and commitment issues
- The free play of joyful sex is as necessary as a good sleep, once you’ve experienced it, you crave it, and are somewhat restless and unsatisfied in life, without it
- Sex is not everything, but it’s a lot
And I have a few ideas about how to discover your partner’s inner joy while having sex.
- Always approach sex more as play than work or a goal-oriented task (the orgasm is cool, and fundamental, but it’s not always necessary for joyful sex).
- Sex can be fast and furious (a quickie) or long an luxurious (afternoon delight: bath, massage, sex, nap).
- One-sided sex is fine, and nice if you can get it. (This is one I’m still working on, how to just lay back and enjoy an event just for me.)
- Sexual energy can be shut down or limited by stress, alcohol, drugs, hunger, exhaustion, worry about work, hyper-focus on the orgasm of either partner.
- Every sexual encounter with another person is an opportunity to unlock some new pathways of sexual joy, both your partner’s and your own.
- The more playful and unscripted sex can become, the more flexible and adaptable your relationship becomes.
- Core sexual satisfaction soothes over all kinds of frustrations and disappointments in life and in your relationship. You still need to talk about any problems in your relationship, but when the sex is “worth it” you will be a better listener and be more committed to the necessary negotiations to keep the other aspects of your relationship healthy.
I don’t know that it is much more complicated than that. You want joyful sex, you explore and ask for a joyful partner. And when the chemistry is ON you can imagine seeking ever deeper levels of connection with this partner.
Even after 11 years of marriage and the duties of becoming parents to two lovely kids, I never lost my joyful appetite for my wife. What I understood even in the end of our relationship is my connection to her had been 100% strong and pure. As I move forward in my quest for another joyfully connected partner, I know the sexual chemistry is a non-negotiable. And it’s really more of an attitude than a talent or technique. If you can find your way to playful sex you can find your way to the inner joy of sex that just might give you a longer life. And a longer life with more joyful sex … well … that may be the path to Nirvana right there.
The Off Parent
back to On Dating Again
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- Our Sexual Brain and the Lies it Tells Us
- Sex Rules: The Frequency, the Fun, and the Fantasy
image: kiss, pedro ribeiro simões, creative commons usage